Mired In The Middle

This is Part 2 of a series of posts meant to catch you up on the last two days of our adoption journey. If you have time, you might want read "Begin at the Beginning" first. The whole story of our family's journey can be found by searching "adoption" in the upper left search bar. Enjoy the ride!

Monday afternoon and evening, we got to spend babysitting our adorable Teagan. (You know her from this post. Go there now - we all need a little dose of Teagan today! I'll wait till you return, I promise. Go now!)

As I spent time snuggling her and praying over her and over the little girl that we were reviewing, I felt myself struggling to connect with the idea that another child was being presented to our family. I kept seeing over and over in my mind the medical research I'd been poring over and wondering if we were up to the task of raising this child with this need. I focused my prayers on releasing the fears and the worries and preparing myself for the consultation with the International Adoption docs that we're working with from CHOP. Our appointment was set for 8 p.m. Monday evening.

Much like last time we did a medical review, the whole conversation left me completely overwhelmed, sobered, and not a little freaked out. I know I'm no medical expert, but neither am I a dummy. The sheer volume of information was enough to make me want to crawl into a hole and pretend that birth defects don't exist. I know, I know. It's her job to tell me all that this birth defect encompasses, and what things we need to think about and research and get ourselves informed about. I'm just saying to have all of the information dropped on my brain at 8:00 at night is not the best way to help me find a good night's sleep! Unfortunately, with my brain whirring at speeds it's completely unaccustomed to achieving during summer break, I lost a bit of the ability to think clearly and make good judgement calls. I hopped on-line. Oh, yes, I did. I know, what was I thinking?!

I belong to quite a few on-line support groups and forums for the adoptive family. One is specific to our Living Hope community, some are only for parents heading to China, and some are for
special needs-track parents, like me. I started clicking and typing and reading all kinds of information, coupled with what I had NOT fully processed or prayed over from our review with the doctor from CHOP. You know, the professional. Who had way more than opinions and experience at her fingertips. The one who had factual information and medical experience to share with us. Yup, you guessed it. Inside of one hour, I found myself mired in fear and doubt. I was so focused on the "what-ifs", and the "how-do-we's" and the "can I get more's" in the information-gathering process that I started looking at this process as a file to be reviewed. As a medical condition to be discussed, dissected, and decided upon. I stopped looking at the referral as a child.

In the midst of all this, we went to bed and I slept less than four hours the whole night. I was up by 6, poring over research again, sucking down coffee and trying to find someone's story that would reassure me or scare me off completely. I'm ashamed to admit that I plowed through a pile of paperwork and mail and ignored THE ONLY STORY I needed. I took a couple minutes to shoot an email to our pastors and our prayer ministry coordinator, and to dump a huge, long, tearful and vulnerable email to another SN mom I know and love. By the time I was ready to do a V-8 style slap to my own head, I was running 15 minutes late for a MOMS' Group event (that I was hosting!) and I had yelled at the kids at least three times in my frustration and unsettled spirit.

I loaded them all in the car, stopped at the bank and repented to my kids for my frenzy and frustration. We purposed in our little Honda Odyssey to use the next 1/2 hour of driving time to pray and talk together about this child. About her medical condition and about God's plan for our family and for her life. I prayed over the kids, and spent some time praying out loud over the path that we needed to walk in this decision-making.

You'd think by now, at just weeks shy of the big 4-oh!, (Please, I cannot even say it out loud. Typing that was painful enough!) that I'd have caught the signs sooner. That I'd have recognized much earlier that I was reverting back to old behaviors. Old patterns that kept me for years from a deeper and more fulfilling intimacy with my Jesus than I had imagined was available to me. Nope. At least not yesterday morning or Monday night. But the peace and rest that came over me in the van while we drove was so refreshing and calming. It prepared me for the events of the rest of the day. Events I needed to approach with a fresh perspective and an open heart and mind. Nothing like a little repentance to your kids and your Father to re-start your day the right way. It even beats a good cup of coffee!