Bloom Where You Are Planted {Grandma Rose}

Today, my Grandma Rose went home to be with Jesus, to worship Him forever alongside of the love of her life, my Grandpa Sam. She had a long, full life and I was so very blessed to call her my grandmother.

Grandma Rose was born in the midst of some very hard, spare years in both America's story and her family's story. She was one of 7 children and lost her mother at a very young age. She grew through the years into a beautiful young woman with a gentle and kind spirit. She caught the eye of my Grandpa Sam at a young age and their love story is one that I had tremendous privilege to see in person, even well into their final years together.

As I sit and process her passing, the memories are tumbling. 

Snippets of the great tenors and Italian arias wind through my mind. 

Smells of deep red marinara sauce and fried chicken cutlets come alive. 

Her incredibly soft arms are brushing mine while I sit next to her at the table,

listening to the loud, boisterous laughter between the aunts, uncles,

cousins, in-laws and "outlaws" that were always welcome at their table. 

Thanksgiving feasts of turkey, stuffed shells and lasagna 

spread along the two long tables in their basement.

Sitting at her old-fashioned dressing table, pretending to be 

a grown-up "fancy" lady while playing with her hats, pins, and pearls.

Perhaps one of my favorite memories that I replay the most often, even now, is one that took place in her kitchen almost every time I was with them. Grandpa Sam used to pretend to spar with her as she washed the dishes or folded kitchen towels. He was a huge boxing aficionado and he would dance around her, punching the air and saying "Come on, Ro! Have a go with me. Give me your best shot." Her blushing brush-offs and sweet, almost embarrassed and yet tolerant smiles brought me such peace and enjoyment as a kid. Even at that young age, I remember LOVING how they brought us in to their love story with his winks at me when he snuck up on her in the kitchen. With how she rolled her eyes when I would giggle at her "Oh, Sam" responses. As an adult (now that I've learned so much more of their story before they became the patriarchs of this big family we are now), I see so much more. I didn't know it then though. I didn't know how much those moments would come to mean. I just knew I felt loved. By watching their love. 

Grandma Rose wasn't one of those hot-house roses, fragile and easily overcome by the elements. She wasn't green-house born and raised, withering easily for lack of water or care. No, my Grandma Rose was a Knock Out Rose. Yes, she was a beautiful woman. A knockout as they said back in the day. But I'm talking about these beauties. Knock Out Roses are known for their full, lush blooms and for being very low maintenance. They don't require specialized care, perfect soil or optimum sunlight to thrive. They are drought-hearty and their roots spread wide, allowing them to spread and grow well in almost any place they are planted. They bloom where they are planted and then some.

My grandmother was that variety of woman that bloomed regardless of her surroundings. She had a hard childhood. A really hard one. She and her siblings were forced to cling tenaciously to each other, to intertwine their roots and hang on for dear life. And hang on they did. Back then, there was very little special care available to that scrappy immigrant family. They just had to dig in and do life together. When they married, she welcomed my grandfather's even larger family as her own. Together, along with her siblings and his, their love and commitment crafted even deeper roots and lush, full family trees. Their tenacity yielded our close-knit, loving extended family. It was, as I've said before, a wonderful way for a child to grow - connected to generations before me.

Grandma Rose wasn't as loud and boisterous as others in our family were. Usually, she'd be found working quietly in the kitchen, watching the kids playing in the yard from the window over her sink. Or quietly joining the conversations from her spot behind the long counter. She was gentle. Soft-spoken. Humble. Honest. The perfect straight-woman to Grandpa's light-hearted antics. She was steady. Reliable. Comfortably predictable and constant. Along with my Grandfather, her quiet, persevering root system spread its life to three beautiful daughters onward to 10 grandchildren and now to 19 great-grandchildren. Those blooms are beautiful and plenteous and growing still.

We didn't know it when we named her, but our little Mei Mei's personality couldn't really be more opposite from the great-grandmother for whom she is named. But I DID know that the beauty of a Rose, that the joy and life it gives, takes many different varieties so it felt like the perfect fit at the time. In the years since Mei Mei has been home, I've learned that my grandmother and her little namesake share some very similar hard beginnings to their stories. Difficulties that my grandmother overcame and used as a root system to build the life she shared with my grandfather. My grandmother's story and my daughter's story began worlds and generations apart from one another. Nevertheless, their roots are deeply intertwined now. That is the miracle of family, is it not? It is my dearest dream that our Mei Mei will push that root system even deeper, spread it further, and continue the legacy of beautiful, plenteous blooming. That she will carry her name proudly and feel rooted to the heritage into which she is now grafted. No matter the hardships she has faced or will face as she grows.

For several years now, my best friend has been suggesting to me that I fill the front garden with Knock Out Roses because nothing else has grown well there. This Spring, I will do that. I will plant several rose bushes in honor of The Knock Out Rose that my Grandma was. I will remember and I will tell my children that so very often the most beautiful blooms come out of the hardest of hardships.

Good bye Grandma Rose. Thank you for your gentle, loving ways.

Thank you for digging in and doing the hard stuff and creating

this beautiful family we love. Give Grandpa Sam a huge hug for me.

And maybe just a fun, soft little punch in the arm.

I know you have it in you! I love you.

My Tapestry

See that babe in arms? That's my Uncle Johnny. He passed away yesterday, leaving a legacy of kindness, gentleness, and love of family. He was the last of my grandfather's siblings to pass away, the youngest son in a big, loving, Italian family.

Of course, none of them were perfect, but every single memory I have of these great-uncles and great-aunts is just that: GREAT.

Outbursts of laughter around overloaded tables.

Good-natured teasing and bickering.

Stories of stark but happy childhood.

Bear hugs & kisses until you were gasping for breath.

And yes, food. LOTS and LOTS of food at every single gathering.

OH! THE! FOOD!

Not a bad way to grow up. Not at all.

By now, you all know I'm hopelessly sentimental when it comes to matters of family and legacy. Uncle Johnny's passing has provoked a myriad of memories all rife with emotion today. Anchoring all of those feelings is an overwhelming gratitude, I'm so incredibly grateful for the great big tapestry that both sets of my grandparents' generation wove for me and my generation.

This tapestry has been many things

for many people in our family.

A work of art, giving testament to the family's status and standing in society. A witness, if you will, of that which they have achieved together.

A rich backdrop, giving color, depth, and texture to our collective coming story as new immigrants to this country. Bringing their history to their present.

A thick and stable rug to stand upon, when building a life together. A plush but firm "take your stance" kind of setting point.

A soft landing place, a net of sorts that was wide and secure into which they could fall when hard times rocked them off their feet.

A warm wrap into which they could burrow when life felt cold and brutal.

Today, we mostly think of intricate tapestries as works of art to be hung on a wall. But a true family-woven tapestry wasn't always meant to be just gazed at and admired. Admittedly, we aren't as familiar with the many uses that a hand-woven, artfully crafted tapestry can have in today's world. We don't need one piece to do all those things anymore. We have Wayf@ir for rugs and T@rget for sweaters, right? But if you look back in history, family tapestries had many functions beyond their artisan beauty.

It strikes me that my family tapestry has both beauty and function that is sadly becoming more and more rare in this culture in which we live. I'm proud to declare that I will stay anchored to both families who wove this tapestry before me. I will continue to teach my children well in the art of weaving their rows to grow it strong and beautiful for generations to come.

********************************

Uncle Johnny, say hi to Grandpa Sam for me. Enjoy your reunion and your time to worship Jesus to the strains of heavenly Italian opera with him. You are missed here. All of you.

Here I Lay My Ebeneezer

I had a really cool experience today. The Boss and I took Mei Mei to our local Intermediate Unit location to have an Occupational Therapy assessment performed. Back in June, her speech therapist and I noticed some fine motor skills and a couple processing issues that have been lagging behind. Nothing is super alarming, but when these particular skills are taken in relation or proportion to the progress that she is continuing to make in the other areas of her development, it is worth checking out.

We are preparing to send her to pre-school in the fall and this time of year when her IEP is being renewed, we are especially mindful of all of the areas of development that need our continued attention. The new IEP and the results of this evaluation will also be super useful in determining exactly HOW much she has caught up in the areas that sometimes fly under the radar (ya know, when one is the youngest of 6 kids in a very busy, active household.being made in other areas) and how to get her moving forward in other skills.

The OT also gave us a sensory profile to complete while they worked together at a separate table. (Have you ever filled one of those out?! Oh, man they are so cool. I was really getting into it, thinking about the answers for Mei Mei and then how I'd answer for Li'l Empress. Times like this make me feel like I ought to go back to school and get another degree!)  Anyhoo.... As I was reading the questions and ranging out the answers, I was also listening to Mei Mei interact with the evaluator and giggling at how our girl has grown in the two years since she's been home.

Full interactive conversation.

{Almost} complete sentences.

{Almost} completely understandable to a stranger.

And big dashes of her own little {okay, who am I kidding, HUGE!}

personality thrown in just to keep the evaluator on her toes.

It was pure delight to observe and think on for those moments. I know I'm biased, but the evaluator commented several times about "how much fun" this kid is. Make no mistake, she had to be brought back to task quite a few times and reminded to use her polite kind words to express herself. But she really was so much fun to watch.

I sat there for a few seconds as it was wrapping up, just immersed in gratitude. I'm so thankful for the moments when God stops me in my hustle bustle to show me where we've been and where we are heading. It was so much MORE than the assessment of skills in that moment, it almost felt "holy" - like my very own "Ebenezer."

1 Samuel 7:12 (NIV)

“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up

between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, 

saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

by Robert Robinson, 1757

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I've come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Revving High

Driving home from the dermatologist the other day, I was choosing winding country roads to avoid the summer construction on the main thoroughfares. About 5 minutes into my meandering way, I found myself behind a candy-apple red new Porsche Boxster. It was stunning. Sleek. Shiny. And oh! so! RED! It was GORGEOUS. Really, just drool-worthy even for a non-car girl like myself.

As we were driving, I noticed that the sedan in front of the Porsche was holding very tightly to the 35 mph posted limits. Driving sedately and carefully around all the curves and over the hills. I also noticed that the Porsche was revving pretty high. At the intersections, the driver was gunning it while he waited for the sedan to move through the stop signs.

I found myself empathizing with the Porsche and its driver. It's an obviously high-performance machine, built for speed and power and finesse. The driver was being responsible and choosing to obey the laws of the road. He could have easily pulled out and whipped past that bland, tan sedan with a burst of power that would leave us both in his dust. But he chose to hold the course and rein in what is obviously incredible (and untapped) horsepower. I could almost feel their combined frustration and restraint in my staid Mom-mobile behind him.

In that moment of empathizing with an inanimate object and a total stranger, I think I heard the Lord suggest to me that this must be exactly how Mei Mei feels most days in our life together. I almost laughed out loud at the analogy but the more I've thought about it, the more I realize it to be true. She's by far and away the highest horsepower of the 6 of my Gang members. She's revving on high all! the! time! Except when she's asleep. She is exuberant! She is excited! She is high highs and low lows! Reining her in is hard work. Teaching her to follow the rules of the road brings me to my knees, figuratively and literally, more times than I ever remember with even my "high revving" soldier boy. Frankly, for this "older" momma, that is sometimes exhausting! It's kind of hard to be that honest about it but for those of you who are blessed to know Mei Mei in person, you know exactly what I'm talking about and are likely nodding your head with a big ole smirk right now.

This analogy that the Lord dropped in my heart gave me a fresh dose of compassion for my girl that sometimes is sorely lacking. Frankly, it's embarrassing to admit that, too - my compassion is far too often flagging when it comes to the all-consuming task that parenting her can be. I struggle sometimes with how BIG! this girl makes everything to be. It's inconvenient to "go there" with her in her great! big! feelings and great! big! expressions. It sometimes gets in my way, thwarts my agenda, pushes my plans to the side. See? Embarrassing character flaw, for sure. In the wake of that reminder, I've been counting it as God's graciousness in showing me this word picture, complete with the sounds of revving engines in a quiet countryside,

Romans 2:4 "Don’t you realize how patient he is being with you? Or don’t you care? Can’t you see that he has been waiting all this time without punishing you, to give you time to turn from your sin? His kindness is meant to lead you to repentance." ~ from The Living Bible

And though it's a few days late, I can't leave the post without celebrating Mei Mei's birthday. She's an astounding FOUR YEARS OLD now. As tired as I find myself to be at the end of every day, her spunky, (mostly) joyful, and exuberant spirit is a gift to our family than cannot be measured. She is funny, sassy, mischievous, and ALL! IN! with whatever she does. We are so thankful, and yes, humbled, at the privilege of parenting her. Even on the days that the big! feelings! are great big cranky feelings. I cannot imagine our home without her and I'm grateful that the Lord sustains me with encouragement for the task. Especially when it comes in the shape of a gorgeous red Porsche.

Happiest of Happy Birthdays to Our Mei Mei!

Different is Good, Right?

I mentioned last week that this summer both LadyBug and The Boss have some extra time on their hands. Unfortunately, The Boss's recent "extra time" is the sort that none of us ever really want to embrace. Due to a departmental re-organization, he has been on "summer vacation" with the kids and I since early June. It's been quite a strange summer. Most weeks feel like an endless string of Saturdays around here, as The Boss's presence at home during a week day tend to "take us all down a notch or two" as far as routine is concerned. There are definite plus's to that environment for The Gang, especially on the heels of the very difficult and high tension winter we all just survived. I'm trying to stay focused on the plus's but I have to admit, it's not easy most days.

Ironically, the Thursday before he was released from his position, we were sitting on the couch, catching our breath at the end of a fairly "routine" day. I said something to the effect of, "Gosh, I feel like we are really settling into a good new groove. Like our new normal is here and is do-able. It's kinda nice, isn't it?"

I'm not superstitious or anything even close but golly, you can bet I'm never uttering words like THAT again around here. Sheesh.

Anyway, as I was saying, there are some "upsides" to having Daddy home for the summer. We got the gift of extraordinary quality time together as a family before we sent our boy off to Basic Training. There's never going to be another opportunity to have all 8 of us home quite like this again, now that both boys are launching off into the next stage of their grown-up lives.

~ Father's Day, June 2014 ~

~ Time to leave for Basic Training ~

Letting go of Dr. D was is really hard on both The Boss and I. But knowing that he was moving on to do something he has always dreamed of doing and seeing the excitement and joy in his eyes as he prepared to go really has made it easier. He was born to do this life he is pursuing and while we miss him terribly (like, "I hate seeing his empty bed, parked truck, and my empty couch" kind-of-terrible!), we are incredibly proud of the man he has become and the path he has chosen. More substantive letters would be nice, but hey, I know better than to expect a novel! :)

Oh, how I miss this afternoon sprawl!

The Boss was also able to finish the renovation of our deck in record time, since it didn't have to be squeezed in on weeknights and weekends only. We are so grateful that we had planned this project in advance - both because of the good timing for him to do it and the finances required to complete it. I'm tellin' ya, if you don't follow the Dave Ramsey plan for budgeting and managing your money, our gang is a PERFECT testimony of why you should! We don't do it perfectly but losing his income didn't not derail this project financially. And that's particularly awesome considering that we had demo'd the deck in early May when we had some help available to do so. Living without a deck and all that mess out there all summer would have been SUCH a huge and ugly problem for this pool lovin' gang.

Isn't it so inviting?

Come on by, the iced tea is cold and the pool is warm!

And of course, the "Honey Do" list has gotten a lot of attention since the deck was completed. Little niggling tasks that we have been meaning to "get around to," things that we have needed to repair, re-decorate, or refresh, and so on. Those smaller projects are all getting checked off the list as the days go on. He is a putter-er by nature so while he does miss the routine and structure of a work day (eh, who am I kidding, he doesn't miss it yet), he is really enjoying the time to do all this physical labor and spruce up the house and the yard.

Finally, I'm getting to tackle some projects that I've had on my mental To Do list for a long while now. I mean, Daddy is BETTER than a babysitter and he's free for afternoon swim parties. So I've tucked myself away a couple times to sort through mountains of school papers and projects from the last two school years. I purged my closet and dresser. I went through my jewelry box for the first time in probably 3 years. I even got to go through 4 bags of hand-me-downs within three days of receiving them - a record in this zoo lately! I've been sorting, streamlining, cleaning out, and yes, I'm back to writing. A slow and easy start, but I'm back.

The extra bonus of the swim time with Daddy is that Mei Mei is really acclimating to the pool quite well and coming along in leaps and bounds in her ability to trust Daddy and the big sibs in the water. AND she has slept through the night pretty much every single night for more than 3 weeks now. All that sleep has drastically improved her day-time behavior (and mine). AND her language is just exploding recently. She lightens the mood around here daily with the new things she is learning to say and the mimicry she pulls out at the funniest moments! We can't get over what a difference we are seeing in her, now that her surgeries are over and her body has come to its resting place of her new normal. It's really quite remarkable and I know The Boss has enjoyed being here to see the daily little transformations that are yielding a happier more settled and peaceful little Mei Mei.

Mei Mei turned THREE at the beginning of the summer.

Actually, the night before Dr. D left.
This is her cheesey smile on her new Kai Lan bike.

So. It's a different summer than we had imagined or planned for ourselves. And a very different kind of productivity than we had envisioned. But we're finding the new groove to it and I'm working on appreciating the time we have as a family as much as I can without worrying too much about the job leads and paychecks and insurance issues. THAT kind of worry messes with my momentum in serious ways. I'm finding it to be an hourly choice to alternatively focus my attention. It's not easy and while I do enjoy that he and I are getting these tasks done with unusual (for us) timing and focus, I do have to work to not camp in the worry-tent. I guess I can be thankful for that - it's keeping me sharp and on my spiritual knees at the very least.

It's different. I'm working to find the good in this kind of different.

The Art of Distraction

Li'l Empress very often struggles to express difficult or negative emotions with her words, resorting instead to copious amounts of tears, feelings of anxiety and rejection, and a bit of a "poor me" complex. We've been getting some great help and tools to equip her to grow in this area of her emotional development. And in the process, I have realized that some of my parenting tools are a tad stale. I also have discovered that I don't use "distraction" as a tool often enough. 

Earlier this week, she had come to The Boss and I with a very minor offense and was on the cusp of turning it into a full-blown melt down in which she was being wronged in the very wrongest possible way, from which she would likely never, ever, ever recover. Ever.

Ummm. Yeah. Okay. Really?

In a flash of brilliance that I can ONLY attribute to the grace of the LORD ALMIGHTY (Cuz I was feeling far less than brilliant. Ya feel me?) I asked The Boss to stop his job hunting for a moment and do an image search for the infamous Grumpy Cat. Just that quick change of focus and the resulting images was enough to completely overcome any offense she was nursing.

So I had her pick her favorite, grumpiest face. I explained that she spends too much of her day looking like that over the littlest stuff. That THAT face should be reserved for really big stuff. We went on to have a fairly hilarious discussion of what things warrant THAT face. And I had The Boss print her favorite picture of the crabby kitty.

Then I cut apart the pizza box from dinner.

(Don't judge. I ran errands and grocery shopped all afternoon.

You want that I should cook TOO?)

I pulled out the markers, the glue, and the scissors.

There was cutting, gluing, and affixing to an old paint stick.

Took me five minutes.

credit: found on the internet

This side says, "A little LESS of THIS, PLEASE."

And this side says, "A little MORE of THIS, PLEASE."

I've used our new sign about four times in the last two days. She might have to work really hard to fight the smile that the feline provokes in her. But at least she's not fighting with her sister. Or fighting more tears. Oh, thankyoujesus.

So what funny or distracting parenting tool have you found to change the mood in your home? Fill me in here in the comments or write your own story of summer drama and creative interventions and share the link. I'll be sure to come by and learn from your flashes of brilliance, too!

There's a First Time for Everything

The mood here this morning started out sunny and happy. As it does many mornings. Everyone was up within minutes of each other and Mei Mei was toddling around giving her morning hugs and kisses to the big siblings.

Suh-weet.... a good start is always appreciated here, as they don't happen as a matter of course.

Then Li'l Empress started the downhill slide with sadness about going to school. Sigh. She was home yesterday with the other gang members while they recovered from a nasty stomach bug. We were kind of on the fence about her showing symptoms so we just kept her home. Backfired into big alligator tears for the first 12 minutes of the day. That was resolved quickly and matter-of-factly (man, you canNOT show this kid too much sympathy for her plight or she miiiiiilks it outta ya!). 

I sent the gang downstairs to start breakfast and got Mei Mei going with a clean diaper and let her pick a shirt to start getting dressed for the day (man, you HAVE to give that kid some "choice" in most of the inconsequential decisions of the day or ya get NOWHERE with the big stuff later!).

I settled Mei Mei at the table with the kids, got them all moving on cereal and excused myself to run up and finish my hair with BBE overseeing the whole process. Sounds easy, right?!

Heh. Nope, it's never that easy.

We still don't know WHAT set her off, but Mei Mei was in full freak out mode by the time I turned off the hair dryer and flew back down the stairs. Poor BBE, this was supposed to be so easy - she was buckled in, eating, and chatting happily with Lil E. What could go wrong over wheat flakes and apples?

WHAT the WHAT?!

That freak out turned into a time-in on the stairs, which escalated and became a THING that drove her mood through the big kids all leaving. Through Mommy's breakfast. Not even her beloved 12 minute short movie of minions broke the mood. Oh, man, I wasn't feeling hopeful about the morning's trajectory. Not that she was still in full freak out, thank goodness. But the mood. OH, the MOOD!!!!!

(To be fair, this time span only covered about 90 minutes of fast paced busy activity but it felt like 9 hours by the time I got all the kids off to school and Mei Mei settled enough to open the door for speech therapy.)

Then, mercifully, she put her mood on hold for sweet Miss Lauri. They had a lovely, productive session of PlayDoh time together. But as soon as Miss Lauri walked out that door, the dark cloud of MOOD resettled on her face.

So I did something that I've never ever done before. Not ever, in almost 20 years of parenting.

I bundled us both up, pulled out the dolly stroller and took Mei Mei on a long brisk walk. Nothing unusal about that, right?

EXCEPT. It was very cold. VERY breezy. And it was raining. Spitting, I believe they say in some parts.

Yeah. Me. Hater of all things cold. And all weather wet.

I didn't even care that my toes (and likely hers!) were numb with the cold. Or that it would take all afternoon for that stroller to dry out from the dampness.

There's a first time for everything.

It worked. Her mood shifted. She chattered and laughed and fussed like a little mother hen over her baby doll. And smiled. She smiled all the way around the neighborhood circle and all the way home.

We returned home, happily, to hot soup, more chattering, and finally some quiet snuggles in the rocking chair before nap time.

Sweet, sweet nap time.

An Unwelcome House Guest

It's been pretty quiet here in my little corner of the blogosphere. I know. We've been in a hard season with things. This season has been exhausting. Frustrating. Desperate. Isolating. Painful. Exhausting. Draining. The pace of our household has hardly relented in deference to the hard season. It couldn't.

I can tell you exactly when it started.

Let me tell you the story.

In early December, Trauma came to visit. He snuck into the house, bringing Control, Anxiety, and Fear with him. They are the kind of house guest that rolls into your pretty little guest room unannounced. The kind of house guest that brings his unpleasant friends stowed away in his suitcase before you can even process that his suitcase has been tossed on your guest bed. On the good linens no less. They are the kind of house guest the adage speaks of: "Company and fish start to stink after three days."

Let me tell you, it stunk way sooner than three days.

It seems as if Mei Mei's first surgery brought Trauma out of hiding. It's totally understandable and we knew to expect it from lots of previous experiences - Trauma lurks in those hospitals for lots of kids. Kids from great, loving, nurturing beginnings. Kids from hard places. Kids with serious sicknesses. Kids with simple playground accidents. But it really feels like he was waiting for her in that room. Hiding under that oh-so-institutional crib cage. Hovering under the ugly, rough blankets.

Worse, he felt it necessary to follow her home from the hospital. He toyed with her, making a game of randomly waking her. He got his buddy to help. Fear clutched at her throat. Trauma whipped Control into a frenzy of raging tantrums over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that weren't cut "just so." He'd whisper in Anxiety's ear a teensy little musing, thus starting the "Telephone Game" of insecurities repeated and grossly warped beyond recognition by the time they got to my girl's ear. It took us a few weeks of muscling through our own sleep deprivation and the dirty laundry of these unwelcome guests to figure out that they thought they were here to stay.

When the awareness took root that these weren't visitors, but squatters, The Boss and I dug into our bag of spiritual warfare tactics and started making things very uncomfortable for these intruders. It's been hard work, this remediation of the damage they sought to inflict. It's taken all of our energies. Certain Fruits of the Spirit have gotten extra work-outs, through the muddle of sleep deprivation.

{Really, moms, isn't the irregular sort of sleep deprivation the worst kind of all? I think I could probably get used to 4-5 hours of sleep if that was the new norm. But 8 hours, then 4, then 6 then 4 again? Oh.MY.WORD.}

Scripture is being spoken, sung, hummed, and prayed. The new rocking chair is logging many, many miles. Old hymns of Truth and Promise are being called to mind, used as lullabies, even if the verses are mixed up and tunes are badly mangled. The security and anchor of The Word that my folks encouraged me to memorize and sink deeply into my heart as a young believer are pouring out when I'm too tired to coherently put together my own prayer.

Practical things had to be tended to, to aid the eviction of the unwanted tenants. So January was spent re-establishing household routines and my beloved systems. (Gasp! Yes, even I was shocked at how long it took me to get back on that bandwagon I so love!) I grocery shopped multiple times between snow storms. I baked and cooked whenever the snow dumped on us, and we were snowed in. Menu planning, preparation of the daily dinner, and laundry days all were re-instituted. Many days those tasks were literally ALL that I could handle. But handle them I did. Anxiety had no choice but to pipe down in the wake of the loud, proud boasting of permanence and structure that our return to routines gave. I much prefer when Security and Confidence hang out with my gang, don't you?

February was focused on establishing some kind of social schedule for the little extroverted Mei Mei and her extrovert momma. Too many unstructured days staying home all day gave Trauma and Control way too much freedom to wreak their havoc. Play dates here at home and busy mornings out to do our errands made way for Joy, Cooperation, and Peace to hang out with us. It continues to amaze to me just HOW much of an extrovert this little girl is!

And while we aren't certain that Trauma has left the building just yet, we do feel as if he's recognized that his days are numbered. When he slinks off into the darkness and muck from whence he came, he will have no choice but to pack up his traveling mates with him. The foundation upon which we have built our home has made Trauma's stay an uncomfortable one and he's learning that we cannot, WILL NOT co-habitate with him.

Since our name is on the mortgage, he's the one that's got to go.

Special thanks to my lovely friend, Amelia.

Her keen eye for detail, spiritual wisdom,

and excellent writing skills

helped me pull this metaphor

together with far more eloquence

and consistency of voice

than I am capable of in this hard season!

Tweaking with Curtis Stone

Heh. Bet that title got your attention, 

didn't it?! Did I make you grin just now?

Sorry to disappoint, that's not a typo.

And the only tweaking going on around here

is in the kitchen. With recipes and such.

Earlier in the fall, I saw cutie-patootie chef Curtis Stone make a dish that he called Savory Beef Cobbler. I had actually originally seen him make it on Matt's show, err, The Today Show about a year ago and noted then that it looked yummy. But the original recipe is more time intensive than I usually have on a regular weekday. So, while it looked delectable, making it from scratch was not on my horizon at all. Especially since I knew that Mei Mei's surgery was approaching quickly. Time to play in the kitchen has been a rare commodity since her procedure and I'm trying to simplify where ever I can.

I knew that I had stashed a good amount of leftover London Broil from one meal and roast beef in its own juices from yet another meal, so I knew I'd have enough beef and broth to make my own version of the dish. This week's snow storm provided the perfect opportunity to play around and tweak things for a similar feel with some short-cut steps.  If you love to putter in the kitchen and have some time to try the original (link above) from scratch, PLEASE let me know how yours turned out. In the meantime, here's what my tweaking produced!

I chopped up about 4 cups of medium rare thawed London Broil, enough to cover the bottom of my deep, heavy Pampered Chef baker. On top of that, I layered 1 medium-sized rutabaga that I chopped slightly smaller than the meat pieces. You can use white or golden potatoes if you prefer. Over that, I poured two cans of store bought gravy and about 1-2 cups of the beef broth.

I added about 3-4 cups of steamed, drained mixed vegetables. (Seriously, ladies. You should always have at least one or two large bags of mixed veggies. They are SO versatile!)

Don't forget, you don't have to get the fancy ones.

It's just how we roll here!

I almost forgot to add the mushrooms but we chopped them up quickly and threw them in before it was too late. This time around, I used the whole 12 ounce container of baby bellas. The original recipe called for a hearty red wine but we didn't have any in the house this week, so I added more mushrooms than I normally would use. 

I lightly seasoned it all with parsley, rosemary, thyme, and basil and mixed it well. I popped the top on that baker (boy, that thing is a beast!) and stuck it in the oven at 400 for 1 hour. If I was more on the ball, I'd have done it at 300 for 2 or so hours but I started late and that baker doesn't really overcook anything, so I was safe in the attempt.

(Remember the old one that used the 9x13 baker

as its lid for a stone dutch oven?

LOVE mine for this big ole gang of eaters!)

While that was stewing and simmering all its flavors together, I mixed up the dumplings. Again, in the interest of speeding things along, I used 2 cups of baking mix with one stick of softened butter. I generously seasoned the dumpling mixture with the same spices as the beef mixture.

But to make them extra rich and delectable, I added a lovely pre-shredded mix of Asiago, Parmesan, and Romano. About 1/3 cup went into the dough, reserving another 1/3 cup for the top of the biscuits when they are baking in the stew.

Keep the biscuit dough very loose, mixing in milk 

a little at a time until it's about the consistency

of oatmeal cookie dough, or even a little wetter.

Once the stew was bubbling nicely, I used my cookie scoop to drop the dumpling mix all across the top of the stew mixture. I topped the dish with the rest of the cheese blend and allow the dumplings to cook for a couple minutes more. 

Be careful not to let them crisp up, the dumplings really should be soft and gooey for this dish. Using the cover again while it bakes really helps with this. Remove the lid at the very end to let the cheese get a little golden if you like.

This was a huge hit and everyone (except the two youngest who are naysayers of all things veggie most nights) agreed that making it again would be an excellent idea. We didn't miss the wine at all this time around but I will be using it next time to experiment with the flavors. Next time I won't use as much additional broth. The mushrooms and the rutabagas generated a lot of juices while cooking, so before I added the dumplings, I actually had to pull off about 1-1/2 cups of juices to keep the stew from being too runny. That will make a great base to the beef barley soup I'm planning for later in the week. I also think next time, I'll throw in some flour or cornstarch and stir it in really well before baking, as this gang really prefers their stew meals to be thicker.

So tell me, what have you been playing with in the kitchen? Any other comfort foods that you've been tweaking for your dinner table? I'd love for you to share in the comments!

Retiring the Old Gal

Nope, not me. I mean, I'm old. And feeling older by the day. But no, I'm sticking around for a while still. I'm sure you are all relieved.

We've officially retired our rocking chair. It might not seem like a big deal to many of you. But this sentimental mom is remembering the past 14 years of snuggles, middle-of-the-night feedings, spit up and more. All in this $100 Toys-R-Us clearance bargain I scored when I was expecting LadyBug. Who is now 14. Sigh. Four.Teen. Again, with the sigh. But it was long past time for a change. A quiet, smooth-riding change. This late 90's model has seen better days. Its contributions to the noise quotient in this house have exceeded Momma's limits.

I've mentioned before that I have purposed to cherish and use Mei Mei's naps and night time routines for all that they can be. But since Mei Mei's surgery, we've really been struggling with some hard night time issues. Sleep irregularities and deprivation have taken a toll on us all. She's taking MUCH longer to settle for both nap and night time. And that longer time has translated into raucous, grating, obnoxious squeaking and creaking from this old rocking chair. No amount of WD-40 has consistently worked. No tightening of bolts or screws has stood up against the steady rhythm of comfort that I have had to engage in twice a day for my girl. And the terrible noises have made me tense. Oh, so tense. Which, of course, has NOT contributed ummmm, positively, shall we say, to the process of soothing and gentling my girl to her rest. Rest that she desperately needs to feel in order to heal, both physically and emotionally.

So I bit the bullet and started shopping around a bit. True to form, the glider rockers that I really wanted to purchase were ridiculously, insanely crazy expensive. You know the ones that look like lovely recliners and "real" furniture for the family room? Yeah. Those are really gorgeous. But out of The Gang's budget by hundreds of dollars!

I wanted something that would do a great job playing its part in a quiet and peace-filled bed time routine but that also would fit seamlessly into the decor of the downstairs of the house when our rocking-Mei Mei-to-sleep-days are over (sigh, sob). I found a great deal on W@yF@ir, and scored a good price on a special sale day. A couple clicks and my new chair arrived on Monday.

In the process, I may have developed a teensy tiny addiction to their website. And to their giveaways. Maybe.

OH! ALL! THAT! FURNITURE!

OH! ALL THAT REDECORATING I'M DOING IN MY HEAD!

Mei Mei isn't too sure how she feels about it yet. She keeps patting it and saying "Soff, Soff," but she isn't totally embracing it yet. She kind of watches the cushion warily while I'm settling us in. But me? Heh. I might take my next nap there. It's quiet. And soft. And quiet. Oh. SO. Quiet.

It's Perfect!

So I've been looking for a while. Knowing what I wanted, digging through retail sites, wasting far too much time on Am@zon and e-b@y trying to find what I knew existed in my head and must SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE exist in real life. I could see it in my mind's eye. I knew it had to be out there and I was determined to find it.

What was it for which I was searching, you ask?

Why, the perfect family ornament, of course.

I was going crazy... crazy enough to start thinking about making my own. Really. Like I have the time or the energy or the resources to start ANOTHER project this month. Heh. Like I have the time to sit and search for hours, googling key word after key word. Oh, whatEVER.

In my defense, I think the 10,000 viewings of Despicable Me

has turned my logic skills to mush this month.

In my defense of the said 10,000 viewings,

it's the only thing that distracts Mei Mei completely

and totally from her pain and activity limitations.

There. I feel better. All those disclaimers and explanations....

Apparently, sleep deprivation messes with my ability to be succinct, too.

I slapped myself out of my delirium and put the word out to my very-connected F@cebook friends.Yes, I harnessed the power of social media for my own gain. Dude. I'm so 2013.

I knew it had to be something like this one, which I found the year after Li'l Empress came home. You know, back when we thought (ha!) we might be done building up our gang's population. I do love it. After all, it is perfect for our folk-art style decor but it's dated wrongly (she came home in 2008 and it's dated 2009). But it had to be different. And again, so far that different existed in my head but I was looking for it in "hard copy."

So, on the advice of several of those friends,

I turned to Etsy. I mean really. What CAN'T you find at Etsy?

Just a few clicks is all it took. A link here and a link there.

I found it. It's perfect. And I love it.

This is The Gang's un-officially official Forever Family ornament.

2013. The year that The Gang is {finally} all here. Home. Forever.

The Gang's All Here. And it's literally "set in stone."

And I love it.

If you like it, go check out Rosi's Place.

Tell her The Gang's Momma sent you. Check out all the beautiful stone work.

I'm certain you will find at least one or two things you will love.

Why don't you head over there now and look.

Come on back and leave me a comment about your faves!

For my friends who prefer to support businesses

that are run by adoption-hearted folks,

I'm thrilled to tell you that Rosi has two beautiful

children adopted internationally.

**(I was not paid or given any discount for the review of this product.

I simply am happy with my purchase and wish to share a great resource with you all.

And I might still be a little delirious, as I'm hearing minions in my head almost daily now.

And yes, I'm very aware that this is a lot of fuss and bother about a little ornament.

Again. I'm a tad delirious. Go with it. It's working for me for now.)

Moments. {two weeks}

It turns out, I was right in feeling {unprepared} for all that the last two weeks have held for this gang. Until you've lived through something like this, there's really no way you can fully prepare for the experience. EVEN if you have the most awesome support network of "been there done that" mommas sharing their experiences and advice. EVEN if you have an amazing crowd of friends and family praying you through and supporting you practically and emotionally. Which, I am so grateful to say, I do. But still. {unprepared} I was.

I'm not gonna lie. These last two weeks since Mei Mei's surgery have been hard. The day of the surgery, frankly, was likely the easiest of the days that we had while IN the hospital. (We waited. She slept. And oddly, I only felt momentary flashes of nervous anxiety over her care or well-being. SO. SO. grateful for that.)

And just this past Saturday we finally experienced the easiest day-into-overnight since we returned home from our four day stay. In between those good days, we've crammed all kinds of hard moments. Sleepless nights. Night terrors. Temper tantrums. Pain management gone awry. Lost patience. Ugly behavior. And not all of it was Mei Mei.

But in between those good days, we've also crammed a lot of really great moments. Those are the moments on which I am (sometimes hourly) choosing to focus. Those are the moments that the Lord uses to swing my eyes back to HIM and HIS perfect plan for Mei Mei. For our family. It's an act of discipline, this choosing to focus. Especially at this time of year.

Mei Mei got the honor of placing the first ornament
on her first-ever Christmas tree. Yes, I cried.

I could (and am sorely tempted to) stress over the anger and aggression that comes bubbling up out of her in those difficult moments. I could keep looking at that "holiday To Do list" that isn't getting smaller any time soon and despair of ever finishing it in time. I could sink into the flashing moments of Mommy-guilt and inadequacy, wallowing in the fear that I'm not meeting the needs of the other gang members, in the every day and in the fervor of the holiday. I could, I could, I could. And really, I've struggled NOT to.

But then there are these other moments. These moments when HE comes to me and whispers to my heart. Snippets of Scripture memorized as a child. Refrains of songs and hymns buried deep in my heart. I've said it before but it bears repeating. In these moments, I am so incredibly grateful for parents who trained me in The Word. Who taught me to seek His face in good and in bad moments. Who encouraged me and lived out the example that joy comes NOT in the circumstances but in the confidence and security of being HIS CHOSEN CHILD. It has carried me well in these last two weeks.

First cookie decorating party ever! Not sure how much icing went on the cookies.
Last year, only 3 of our kids were home for this tradition.
This year, The Gang was ALL here. Yes, I cried.

I am convinced, in all of these moments, both hard and healing, that the prayers of the Body of Christ carried us. I am convinced that His Word is powerful and full of Truth that rises above the difficult moments. I am convinced, now more than ever, that HE HAS CHOSEN ME for this time. For this child. For even in those moments where I feel like I'm failing miserably at all of it, He speaks to me. In those moments when I wonder if my inadequate and all-too human response to my daughter's broken-ness is doing more damage than good, He offers me HIS response.

It's those moments when I get the second wind to go just a little deeper into her heart. It's those moments when I get a fresh fire to escort her to the healing He has for her. Those moments, even the hardest of moments, I remember that they are just that: moments. By definition, moments (both hard and exultant) are fleeting. He is not. He holds those moments. Each and every one of them.