Don't Squash That Little Nudge

For the last two days, I've really struggled with the wait for our Letter Of Approval.

I mean, I've been bothered by the length of our wait for a while now but I haven't really paid it much mind until last week. Last week, somehow, I had fully convinced myself that our LOA was coming. I knew our agency had a "package on the way" and that we were "due." Over-due if one looks at the current trends on the charts. Which, I was doing. More than I really wanted to and certainly more than I had during waits between milestones previous to this wait for LOA. The last update we had gotten was that we were "in review" and that the next step would be the dispersal of our LOA. PLUS, last week, I was processing the imminent departure of Shaggy to Thailand. And the thoughts of celebrating Christmas without our boy were really hitting home. I think my melt-downs into puddles every couple hours on Thursday and Friday were some kind of internal release valve letting off the steam of it all.

But this struggle, these last two days, has been very different. It was more of a niggling doubt that everything was proceeding normally. An occasional twinge of "something isn't quite right" and not really knowing what to do with it. Frankly, I didn't do well with it. FRANKLY, I've been a bit like a bear with a thorn in her paw for the last two days. (I've made reparations to my family already. They love me and graciously forgive me. I'm so blessed!)

The gals in my DTC group (DTc means "Dossier to China:" this group is a bunch of comrades-in-arms who all sent their dossiers to China in the same season that we did, banded together for information and support) have been looking at our charts, too. A couple of us who are waiting had a chat or two over the last two days about the trends and it seemed apparent to us all that something indeed was not quite right. But I have tried so hard NOT to be a "day counter" or a "chart obsessor" and to trust the process. In doing so, I completely squashed that little nudge I thought I might be sensing. I pushed aside my niggling doubts and occasional twinges. Thus the "release" valve I mentioned. Sigh. One of these days, I will learn. I will!

Last night, I went to bed and fell asleep praying for Shaggy. Early this morning (as in 3:22 a.m. which would have been 4:22 p.m. Beijing time, IF I've calculated correctly. That's regular work-day hours there.) I woke again, praying for Shaggy. As I prayed, I had a sense that I needed to be praying for our LOA. For our dossier. And of course, for Brynna. So I did. I slept quite fitfully for the next couple hours until I finally just got up and started my day.

After I made a cup of coffee and got Li'l Empress settled with her cereal, I jotted off the following note to our sweet Social Worker:

"So, we are on day 75 of our wait from PA (157 from LID).... it's now inching up to the "longer" end of the wait from the DTC group I'm a part of. And when considering that our LOI went in with the request for expedite, we're wondering what's going on. Is there any chance, if you don't get a package today, that you can investigate this for us? I've just seen too many fellow-DTC'ers moving on from LOA even tho their numbers were trending like ours. When it starts to get too "out of the trend" is when these gals start seeing problems or delays with their files. We want to be sure it's not the case with ours."

To which I got an immediate response. This is how I summarized it to our families and some friends this morning, in a request for prayer:

Seems that our trusty SW was already feeling some concern. She had contacted her "on the ground" gal in Beijing on our behalf yesterday. (She was further tipped off when LHAA got a pkg yesterday of documents including one LOA for a family on the EXACT SAME TIMELINE as us.)  Here's what they think is happening: After the Eligibility Review #1 (also called Dept. 1 - which was our last up-date), it looks as  if our dossier was MIS-FILED  into the "Standard Program" (The Non-special needs program... which is currently running on a 6 year wait. Ummm, yeah. RUH ROH!).

If this had NOT been caught this week, we'd likely be waiting indefinitely. When our "on the ground" gal inquired, she was told that the only employee who can rectify that mis-filing is the one who is assigned to our file and that employee is out for the day. So she is going back tonight (our time) to follow up and get it moving.

Our sweet SW is NOTHING if not "ON IT" for our family. When she emailed me back, she had JUST finished getting the scoop from her Beijing gal. JUST! I have spent most of today feeling so humbled and blessed. Really. I mean, I could be feeling totally disgruntled and stressed or even angry at the glitch in the process. Indeed, I was ALL of that last week. And again for the previous two days. But now that we know what we're facing, I am instead feeling so awed that God gave us such a gift in this lovely Social Worker. I'm amazed that He was trying to speak to me all along, nudging me to listen to my gut and trust my instinct that something wasn't right. By the fact that He has given me this fierce momma's heart for my girl before I even know her. And finally by how I know He is going to work on our behalf.

We are expecting an answer of some kind tomorrow. Of course, the best possible answer would be our LOA is in the mail WITH the medical expedite being honored forthwith. But I have to be honest, I'm feeling pretty good about whatever answer we get tomorrow. He is always faithful to move on our behalf, in all the seasons and events of our lives. He's even faithful when I'm trying to squash that little nudge!

ELMO Has Left The Building

Noooo, I'm not referring to the recent disgusting scandal associated with the furry red guy. That's just really coincidental and certainly very bad timing for this story.... In fact, maybe when you read this story, you'll have a far more pleasant association to imprint in your brain. And more importantly, in your heart! Settle in, it's a bit long this time, but I hope you are encouraged and find it worth your time.

Several weeks ago, when I started promoting our Holiday Open House, I added the pretty red invitation as a picture into my Purchase With a Purpose yard-sale album on F@cebook. My thought was to allow folks from my different blogging and on-line communities to access the details since that album is set to "Public." I then shared that particular picture in several of my on-line groups.

The next day, a member of the Creating a Family forum contacted me. I didn't know her personally but had had several pleasant interactions with her on this forum and she usually posted very hope-filled, encouraging things to folks in the discussions in which we mutually participated. But that's all I knew of her.

Turns out, in her note, she indicated that she wanted to "invest" in our adoption journey but didn't need or want to buy any of the items being sold at the Open House. She wondered if I'd be okay with sending her my address so that she could send me a monetary gift directly. Before I even could respond to that with a yay or nay, she popped another message right back into my inbox and said something like, "Never mind, I want to buy that ELMO TMX toy for $100.You can send it to this address and I'll send you the check when I get the toy." Apparently, she'd been paging through the whole on-line yard sale album and found the furry little guy. She was convinced he'd be perfect for a little friend of hers, so I packaged him up and sent him off the next morning.

Frankly, that morning I made a conscious choice to keep my expectations of this transaction really low. It was certainly nothing personal to her or her promise, but I know how life gets and I know that sometimes things don't work out the way we think they will. So when I sent Elmo out the door and on his way in his snug little box, I did so with a prayer and a release. I was determined to be okay with whatever came of this interaction with this virtual stranger.

Cut to this past weekend. I hopped on the forum to check up on any new news. I was heart-broken to read that this same gal had recently experienced a very difficult situation in her own quest to build her family. I had no words, beyond a simple apology and prayer for comfort. I prayed for her right then and there while I was logging out. I moved on to preparing for our Holiday Open House and frankly forgot all about Elmo or the stranger for the time being.

Tuesday afternoon, I opened the mail to find a check from this virtual stranger. Only, it wasn't for $100.

No. Friends, instead, God showed up in a Holy SWOOP of love and generosity.

The check was for $200.

Ya'll.

You did not read that wrong. This total stranger, who loves adoption and loves God, sent our family TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

That, my friends, is GOD.

I mean, who else would tell a total stranger to send TWO STINKIN' HUNDRED DOLLARS for a furry, red, crazy noisy toy to another total stranger?? And a SECOND-HAND toy to boot!

Certainly NOT anyone I know. Or rather, any human I know. It reminds me of the verse in I Corinthians:

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." I Corinthians 1:27

I can't think of much that is more foolish than a crazy, slightly freaky Elmo TMX. And I am totally okay with being "shamed" by my very low expectations of the transaction. Cuz it ended up show-casing a kind of glory and love that few of us really fully know without events such as this happening to get our attention.

That, my friends, is God. And only God.

You see, the other piece to this amazing crazy story is that just Tuesday morning, I was sharing with a friend that God had been showing me how important it is for me to keep my focus on Him. To keep my heart and mind pure of negativity; to flee from vain imaginations that only become distractions to the purposes to which He has called me. To rise above the "human" element of things like our adoption journey and parenting, and keep my eyes trained on HIM and His heart for my family. I had been at our denomination's annual women's retreat on Friday and Saturday. While the event was amazing and refreshing and re-charging in many, many ways, the big take-away that I had was that I was coming into that retreat "battle weary." And that I was there to be reminded just how INTENTIONALLY He pursues me. How DETAILED and EXPLICIT He is in His desire for ME and for relationship with ME. It was like I got a re-charge of "He Loves Me" down to my tippy toes. I was sharing that with my sweet friend on that same morning, as we encouraged each other by phone on this long journey to our little ones.

And then in the afternoon, this check arrived in the mailbox. A gift from a stranger. But make no mistake about it. That gift was from God. And as long as I have breath in my body, I will give HIM the glory and honor and credit for reminding me of His love in such a sweet, and tangible way. I am incredibly grateful to this stranger who listened to His voice and obeyed, even in the midst of her own painful circumstances. It is humbling in all the best possible ways.

Only God knew when Elmo left the building just what his trip across the country would come to mean for this momma.

Get Beautiful And Give Back {Correcting The Error}

My deepest apologies to anyone and everyone that has been trying to vote for me in the 2012 Mary Kay Makeover contest to "Get Beautiful and Give Back."

If you click on this link HERE, it should take you right to my gallery. Yeah, I'm the one with the splotchy red skin and red nose. And no, I was not drinking. Sigh. It's just me. And my rosacea.

Please be clear, you will be asked for your email address and to enter a verification code. Even if the instructions might say to leave a space between the "two words" in the verification codes, there is only one word, do not leave spaces.

I am so very, very sorry for the inconvenience. I've contact Mary Kay and my consultant and we are trying to track down the source of the other post's technical problems but this should be the fix you need for now.

Don't forget, you can vote 5 times a day, per personal email address. And you can share this post and the one I did earlier with folks to help them understand what I am doing. I'm working on making sure all the links work.

Thursday, I'll tell you about the charity I will be giving the winnings to, should I win. I think you will all agree it's worth fighting through the link failures to get to vote!

Again, my apologies. This is the link you need:

Get Beautiful and Give Back.

In Which I Humble Myself and Beg... Among Other Humiliating Activities

Those of you who are fortunate enough to know me in real life (ha, I'm feeling cheeky today!) know that I'm not really a glamour, diva, high-fashion kinda gal. I stick to a fairly simple routine of drying and pasting up the hair, medicating the rosacea (ugh), brushing a little bit of color on my eyelashes. I throw on my jeans and a tee, slide into my Nike flip-flops and I'm a happy gal. A happy gal with a minimalist's attitude about skin and make-up routine. But recently a bit of an opportunity dropped into my lap and I just have to share it with you.

Remember me telling you about the F@cebook yard-saling that I've been doing? Well, a gal saw some of my stuff and came over to purchase things for herself and her sister. We just clicked. She was intrigued by our adoption journey. When she heard about our "actual" yard sale, she donated a bunch of baked goods to the efforts. Man, did she make the baked goods! They sold out by the middle of Saturday morning, and I think Shaggy and Dr. D were her biggest customers.... as if I never feed them around here or something.

She contacted me to see if I'd be interested in a somewhat humbling creative opportunity to raise  funds for our adoption expenses. Seems that she is a Mary Kay consultant and thought I might enjoy entering their "Get Beautiful and Give Back" Annual Make-Over Contest.

Heh. See, she's a new friend and didn't really know about my aversion to a make-up routine.  But you know what? I did something pretty out of character. I said, "YES."

I said "Yes" to a make-over. I know. What on earth? I almost NEVER wear more than a touch of mascara. Occasionally I add a little eye-liner. But always, always, I stick to the browns and olives. Simple. No fuss. No muss. Matches everything. So I said yes.

THEN she gave me the rules. (She's a smart cookie, this new friend.) Allow her to photograph my "Before" look and my "After" look for the contest and write out a little description of why I enjoyed the Mary Kay make-over session. Then spread the word to win the most votes.

So. Now, I'm entered into the contest.

And now you have to vote for me.


Vote 5 times using your email address.
Then vote five more with another email address.
Or your mother's email address
(Kidding, I'm kidding... I used my husband's!)
Voting runs from noon (CST) on Tuesday, June 5th
through June 15th at noon (CST).


You can vote up to 5x per person, per day.
Click away, my friends, click away!

It's amazing to me the things we will do for our kids. I actually agreed to allow my completely-naked-of-any-products face appear on a nation-wide website. On the internet. All for the chance to win $2500 for our adoption journey. And $5000 for our favorite charity. Wow. What can I say? I love that little girl God is picking for us.

You have to help make the unveiling of my splotchy red embarrassed face and invisible eyelashes count for something. You have to. Please. I'm begging. Yes, that's right. BEGG.ING. I ain't too proud to beg. For heaven's sake, I've already bared my nekked face to the whole interwebby world. There's nothing left to be proud about.

Go. Vote. Tell others to vote, too. Just don't look too closely. Please?! Thankyouverymuch.

A Teensy Favor, If You Please?

We are coming close to the one-month countdown on our Wild Olive Tees fundraiser to help us raise our remaining adoption travel expenses. I've been greatly restraining myself from a twice-weekly check in with the gals over there at the Wild Olive headquarters. I've been hustling to share the information in the creative and appropriate ways. I created a snazzy flyer to hand out. I've included links to it in my on-line yard sale. I'm pushing The Boss to hustle and share away, too. And as we get down to the line on this effort, I'm wondering if you'd consider helping us out with a teensy favor?

Would you consider sharing about our fundraiser on your blog? Or on your F@cebook feed? Or tweet out about what we are doing? Give them the link to our blog and tell them about the snazzy button on the sidebar that will bring them right.to.the.sale.sight? Tell them our family code is WHITNEY407? That the tees are really beautiful and created by some really beautiful women who are trying to change the world, one tee at a time?

Look at the beautiful F@cebook pic that they created for Fundraising Families, after I mentioned that a cover pic for the new Timeline format would be awesome and another great way to get the word out. I love it and can't believe they used my suggestion. They really rock that way, ya know?

How gorgeous is that picture? I asked. And because they believe in what they are doing and in what we are doing, they found a way to do it. I love that!

It's so humbling to me that folks in this adoption community all work so hard, in such a united manner, to help build families. To help build our family. I don't take that lightly. NOR do I take it for granted. It's not how I pictured this adoption progressing, but I'm learning that God knows better than me about these things. (Heh, I knew that. But I'm learning it anew. And in new ways. Know what I mean?!) Cuz truly, nothing about these last three months have been how I pictured them. I'm being as real as I can about this season. And I'm bein' really real when I tell you it's been hard. H.A.R.D. But God is proving Himself over and over and the kindness and generosity of the Body around us has been His proving tool. Beautifully.

So, I'm asking. It's a teensy favor, really. Just a link to a friend. A post. A tweet. A status update. And remember, it IS my blogoversary.  I'm just sayin'......

I Am Wrecked

This video clip was the opening to the final session of the Financial Peace University classes that The Boss and I have been taking at our home church.  Though I had seen it before, this time around, it had quite a different effect on me.

It wrecked me for the rest of the night.

Heck, it's Friday and I still feel wrecked.

There is a lot that The Boss and I feel in our hearts that God has for us and for our commitment to live debt-free.  It's been a long road and we've made some great progress.  It's been very humbling to see the freedom that our healthy choices are affording us now. But, being very honest, in the course of the 13-week classes, it's also been very discouraging at times. Thinking about the foolish things we did that landed us in this position. See, before we moved to our current community, we were almost debt-free. We had been living on a strict budget, we were choosing wisely how to spend and it was working well for us. When we moved, we lost our focus. We lost our motivation. It only took a few years of living mindlessly to create the mess.

We've been working (mostly) diligently to fix the mess and restore our finances to integrity for almost 4 years now. It's been a long four years and many times during these 13 weeks, I felt like the topics didn't connect to our current situation. Like we would never "get there." Hanging in there till the end of the series was an act of obedience for me and the last session totally framed, for both The Boss and I, just WHY we needed to take the class (even though we were already living most of the principles of the program).  It was just the shot in the arm that I needed to keep living with the strict guidelines and a plan in place.

Cuz, guys?  The last session was basically this:

It's All HIS.

I am just a manager.

When I hold it all loosely in my hand,

I am free to do with it what HE wants me to do.

Nothing terribly new or revelatory in that. Nothing we haven't known for these past four years. In fact, these past four years, we've worked hard on our finances and re-ordered our home to live according to that very principle. But again, with that video clip opening the whole summation of the series, it hit me differently when I I heard it this time.

See, that couple in the video that received the trampoline and the very large check to pay off debt?  I'm not gonna lie - in this particular stage of my life, while waiting and waiting for mei-mei and longing for the day that I can start throwing around all the acronyms and initials of adoption again? I would LOVE to be the recipient of a gift like that. Of an investment by another godly couple into my family.

But really?  Far beyond the addition of our family by the next adoption that we are waiting on God to engineer  in His timing and plan?  Far beyond the "knowing" when our family is complete and resting in that sense of being "done"?  In my heart of hearts, I want to us be that couple that gave. I want to be such an excellent manager of HIS resources in our home that I can hear His voice prompting us to come alongside another family who is waiting for their own mei-mei. I want to share the blessings from His hand with my neighbors. I want to be a giver who invests in other families freely, generously, and without thought to "how I might afford it." I want to live in such a way that His resources flow through my hands, in ways that will build His people. That will build His kingdom.

Yeah, that video wrecked me. But the wrecking has been going on for a while now. And I am praying that it keeps on wrecking me - till His work for me is done.

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears." ~ Philippians 1:3-6 (emphasis mine)

She's Got Skillz - Part 5

This is it. I promise. This is the last rambling of how we (I?) worked through the process of deciding to send Li'l Empress to pre-school at the tender age of three . . .  Not to say that I won't post a follow-up or two detailing just how she's handling the changes. Or how I'm handling the changes, too.  :) Cuz I know you are all dying to know how marshmallow Mommy is going to handle dropping of her little princess. . .  The blogs are FULL of teary mommas and grinning, back-pack clad kiddoes. Why be any different?!  :)

I was telling you about the issues I've been able to identify that make Li'l Empress's separation anxiety different than, say, my four older bio kids' experiences. While this list is not exhaustive, and might not even be true for any other family going through similar pangs, it's what I am working through and feeling as I'm praying through the journey and ministering to my daughter. I'd love to hear what you guys who have struggled with these kinds of anxieties have experienced... I'm sure your journey and process will help me think and improve my skills at attending to my daughter's heart.

First, I have to continually remember that the noise levels and changes of environments are NO. SMALL. ISSUE. for her. Or for any other child with any degree of hearing loss. For now, while she's on this tremendous learning curve about her environment, changing those environments is a big deal to her. Her Hearing Support teacher and the Speech therapist have been telling me this from the get-go, and seeing it play out in her ever-expanding world is proving their words to be very true.

Second, I need to remember that, while adoption does not DEFINE her, it certainly cannot be discounted when discussed in the context of her sense of security and confidence. Most of the three year-olds with whom she is interacting have had three full years to build trust and confidence that Mommy will come back. That Daddy is a safe place for me to land. That home is permanent.  Li'l Empress has yet to reach the two year mark of that journey. And it IS a journey.

Finally, I regularly remind myself that I didn't push the separation from Mommy with the other kids when they were this age. Baby BlueEyes and Dr. D both really struggled to stay for a full morning in their respective classes, even up through Kindergarten. And sometimes, I'd have to leave Baby BlueEyes in the nursery of our local co-op to teach my American Literature class while he was screaming as if a limb was being torn off one layer at a time. In fact, many times, I would show up early to his room just to give us both time to settle in and calm ourselves before my class. I've always tried to be of the mindset that the more my kids handle these developmental milestones at their pace and their comfort level, the more confident they would feel. And the more confident they would feel, the better it would "take."

However, in the midst of all of these factors, I'm also seeing that on many levels, Li'l E might need a nudge or two stronger than Dr. D or BBE needed. I have to figure out when it is okay to assure her of my love and my return and then walk away. I have to get a balance of when to "push her" to the next level of getting "off the edge" of her emotions and when to let her feel it all and be comforted in the settling. In fact, this recognition of that necessary nudge is one of the biggest reasons that I was able to come to the decision to send Li'l E to pre-school this fall. I don't really know yet what exactly tipped the scales for The Boss. But when I have spent those times thinking and praying and researching, I just kept coming back to one big factor. While I could work really hard to provide and supply all the same things that pre-school will provide for her academically and therapuetically (in terms of listening skills), this "nudge" could only be accomplished in this season in this way.

It's a humbling thing, to come to the recognition that your three-year old needs something you can't give her. I mean, I've had this revelation many times, over the years of parenting the five kids God has given us. I've learned it in many different forms. But each time I learn it, I'm still humbled. And not just a little startled. Startled at the degree to which I must have somehow thought I could handle this one on my own. Startled that I haven't fully learned yet just how much I need Him for wisdom on this journey. Startled at how slow I must be, how dense I am to think that the last time I learned the lesson wasn't enough.

Conversely, or maybe in tandem, I am also grateful to learn that I can't do this all for her. I'm grateful that she has the opportunity to learn from others, along-side others. I'm grateful that there are resources out there to help us with these "necessary nudges."

But most of all, I'm so humbled and grateful that the Lord is her best parent. Her ultimate parent. I get to be the vessel through which He parents her, when I'm cognizant of my proper role and status in His eyes, that is! It takes the burden off my frail shoulders and keeps it where it belongs. His shoulders are big enough to bear it all and when I keep this mindset, I remember that the outcome lies in His hands. He knows the process I've been through to come to this point and He's using it to better equip me to parent her.

Hopefully in that process, I'm also learning skills that will help me parent the other four more effectively. And maybe even help me to be a better, more supportive friend to the moms around me who might be struggling with a part of their journey.

He created her. He loves her even more than The Boss and I ever possibly could, and He will work out in her the things which He needs to do for her growth and maturity. He has a plan for her life, and I'm grateful I can be a part of it. Even if I'm a little slow on the uptake and tend to over-think every step of the way. He knows that about me, just as He knows how scary it is for Li'l E to see me walk away from her. He will cover it. I'm counting on it.

So, on Wednesday, Li'l Empress will start pre-school at the tender age of (JUST NEWLY) three.  Sigh. It still feels incredibly young to start this educational environment. It still makes me tremble to think of dropping her off for 6 hours a week away from me. I think I'd better make sure there's a box of tissues under my driver's seat. I have a feeling I'm going to need them!

If You Can't Say Something Nice. . .

Recently several folks whom I really love or admire have been experiencing nasty attacks of gossip and mean-spirited words.  I've also noticed what seems to be an upswing of nasty comments or hurtful interactions on some of my favorite blogs lately. I've even read several blogs and forums in which the participants are considering shutting down their sites or their part of the activities.  All because of hateful words that one or two folks can't seem to keep to themselves. I must be living with my head in the clouds or something, because I can.NOT. believe some of the things that folks feel free to say to, or about, others. I am shocked at the decidedly ugly things commenters write to bloggers.

I have to admit, it's been really hard for me to remain supportive and encouraging to my friends or loved ones without becoming bitter or angry at those who are causing such hurt. I'm a loyal person by nature. I'm also a fairly positive person.  I love and trust easily and (I hope!) freely. But when a friend is attacked, I get riled and  . . . if you go after a family member?  Well, fuggedaboudit.  Just. Step. Away. From. The. Angry. Momma.

However, in my own journey as a Christian woman, I've found that I must also maintain a constant state of alert to the criticism and judgments that I feel rising up within me. When a discussion becomes a debate, when comments become personal attacks and topics get "too close for comfort,"  I find myself fighting to rein in my own criticisms and disagreements. I have to try to edit myself in a more positive and constructive manner that will allow the conversation to continue and maybe even be productive. More often than not, I advise myself of the old adage "when you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." 

It's a constant battle, and likely more so for me because I love to talk. I love to share my thoughts. I'm not immune to the shock of reading something with which I strongly disagree. In fact, it has happened quite recently. I reacted in the privacy of my own home, ranted really. And then I sought counsel. I tempered my response and offered A. thought. Just one. Then I stopped. I just stopped. Because IF I had let myself really say all that my critical, judgmental self wanted to say, I'd have offended a sister in Christ. A believer who is muddling along, trying to find her way in a new situation, just like me. Just like you. Aren't we all trying to figure it out?!

When things get really heated and a conversation turns into a debate, I start to feel frantic, fighting the NEED to share my thoughts. To make my point and gain understanding. If that cannot happen, I usually shut down. Sometimes, I MAKE myself shut down to avoid crossing my own lines of temptation to unleash my barrage of anger, criticism, judgment or hurt. I disengage from the cycle. Hopefully, at this stage of my life, I'm disengaging earlier and pulling away with more wisdom and discernment than in earlier years. Hopefully, I've learned SOMETHING about the power of my tongue (or my words and my writing).

 

As I've been hearing the pain of my friends and loved ones, and reading the stories of bloggers who have felt attacked or misunderstood, I've been grieved. My heart has ached for the pain inflicted. But a sense of anger and frustration has also lingered. I am angry at the way we conduct ourselves in our various communities. I have asked myself countless times what I can be and should be doing differently. In my personal relationships. In my blogging interactions. Normally, I completely avoid talking about controversial subjects here on this blog.  I just couldn't avoid this particular frustration any longer.

At the risk of sounding hopelessly idealistic and naive, I want to ask, "Why can't we all just get along?"  Can we at least try to change our own reactions? Temper how we connect with each other? Respect that we come at these conversations and experiences from different angles? That we might actually be able to learn from another if we can keep our tongues leashed long enough to really listen? We instead often sound like discordant, clanging cymbals that make unbearable noise. Our words, written or spoken, can create chaos in the ears and the mind and the heart.

As a Christian, I believe that the Creator made us all with unique talents and gifts. That these talents and gifts combine with our life experiences to be used to honor God. To be used to show the world around us a better way to live. To be used to show someone the beauty, the freedom, and the redemption of becoming "like Christ."  If we allow ourselves to be used as instruments in HIS HANDS, if we work harder at speaking with restraint and with love, we can be a beautiful masterpiece that blends together to make a symphony.  We can let our voices be heard in a harmony, that encourages one another and lifts up the arms of those around us.

 

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

~ St. Francis of Assisi  ~

Anything BUT Natural

I had an interesting conversation with my sister the other night. We were discussing the difficulties of raising godly children and sharing thoughts about consistency and laying down of self, specifically for the cause of raising our kids to be "others" focused. And how hard it is, sometimes even within a church community, to stay intentional with those goals. Let's face it, when you are a mom, those to character traits are KEY to getting through the day without losing your mind. But they are so much bigger than surviving a day with teens who know way more about life than Mom does or with toddlers who wake up determined to test every ounce of patience and selflessness you may have gained to this point today. (Not that my kids ever behave in those ways. . . . snort!)

We've been talking a lot in recent months, The Boss and I, with our Gang about this idea of laying down of self. We usually call it teamwork around here.  I have found myself discontent with how easy it has become for all of us to play the blame game. By how quickly we all default to the mode of  looking out for self.  We all do it, it's our flesh's natural inclination. We are bombarded every day with messages to "look out for Number One" and "get your name out there," or "I deserve this . . " and other self-promoting agendas.

I realize that training myself and my children to conscientiously look out for others and intentionally take care of those around us (especially those who cannot speak for themselves) is pretty counter-culture. I get that outside the four walls of our home, and beyond the community of believers with whom we relate, this sounds like the fast track to nowhere. But as I keep chatting with my kids and processing out loud some of the things we feel that the Lord is calling us toward, I keep coming back to an old song that nails it for me, every time.  Some of you will remember this one:

This week, as I've been praying for my kids and for some keys to breaking through these "natural inclinations," I found myself reciting a verse I learned back in high school. If I remember correctly, it was no easier memorizing this section of the Word back then than it is now. And just as hard to put it into practice, then as it is now.

Philippians 2:1-4 (The Message)

"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand."

When you throw in the necessary element of consistency and mix it all up, it seems almost like an impossible mission. I mean, I've been working at this effort of laying down my flesh and trying to be consistently submitted to those around me in a loving and selfless manner since. . . . well, for a long time now.  (Ha, you thought I was gonna type that huge number out loud here, didn't ya?!)  It's hard. It's really hard and it's made harder each time I choose to walk out my doors and interact with the world around me. The pushing and jockeying for position at the express line. The search (and LOSS!) of the perfect parking spot in the rain. The rushed and harried driver who passes on the right, breaking both the speed limit and the sound barrier simultaneously. The warm, soft couch vs. the pile of dishes in the sink. Even if it ISN'T my dish day.  Ouch. It's hard.

A friend reminded me today (as she told me a lovely story about her son's exploration into trying harder to be what God calls us to be . . .) that this is why we need forgiveness. And why GRACE is such a gift. Because our natural inclinations are only too selfish and sinful. And forgiveness and grace help us be more like Jesus every day. And that's anything BUT natural from where I'm sitting.

It Was NOT Pretty

My Wednesday was soooo not pretty. In fact, it was downright ugly. Most of the day. Well, at least until bedtime. Then it got blissfully peaceful. Quiet. And oh, so pretty again.

The day actually started out fairly nicely. It had all the marks of a potentially pretty day. It got ugly fast.

The middle kids had a 2-hour snow cover delay. So we started the day in my favorite way - sleeping PAST 7 a.m.

(Somehow, any thing before 7 a.m. feels
so ridiculously early to my body clock.)

I got a shower BEFORE Li'l Empress woke up and started bellowing, I mean calling, for me.

(Seriously, she calls my name in, like,
12 different voices and
12 different volumes until
she hears my hand on the doorknob.
Then she's all, like,
"Hi, Mommy! Beep wew?")

Somehow, it all fell apart from there. One son logged in to school and began a lengthy quiz before finishing his morning routine. Before looking around at the snow and pitching in to clear a path for the middles. One son decided to clear some paths, only in ridiculous patterns and zig-zags that would make a hamster dizzy. One son forgot that we own several working clocks, strategically planted all over the house. AND that he has hair on top of his head: he attempted to leave the house sportin' a lovely bed-head nest of blond locks. One daughter spent the whole morning following the biggun's around, repeating everything 100x and yelling "TOP!" whenever one of them would speak to her. Or look at her. Or breathe. One daughter decided that wearing her favorite jeans 3 times in one week wasn't enough. That "one more time oughtta do it!" Yeah, it did it. To my sanity and my tolerance for repetitive denim-wearing. It was not pretty.

And that's all before the middle buggers even left on the bus. Before Li'l Empress, the big boys and I even left the house for a long-overdue jaunt to the local library. I gritted my teeth and directed the remaining three to get in the van. At which point, I had a captive audience. Lucky, lucky them. It was not pretty.

But I felt better and that's all that matters.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

With their "reset" buttons re-set, we entered the quiet peaceful library. A poor sweet mom of three REALLY! EXCITED! EXUBERANT! ACTIVE! boys was trying to corral her little ones, check out books, carry on an intelligent (?) conversation, and get back out to the cafe for a little caffeine therapy. Her REALLY! EXCITED! EXUBERANT! ACTIVE! boys were not cooperating with her. At all.

At this point, my heart really went out to her. She looked tired. And in the face of our slightly grumpy and in-tolerant librarian-type lady, she looked just a little embarrassed. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her that it wouldn't last forever and that her boys would someday grow up to be models of godliness and acceptable social behavior. That they would some day sweetly offer to carry the heavy laden burden of picture books for her. That they would some day be able to stand near each other without cries of cooties or exclamations about private body functions.

But I couldn't.

Because at the very same moment that compassion and empathy were welling up in my heart for this obviously stressed mommy . . .

(Now, please remember that at this point,
I felt so much better after my lecture
ON THE EVILS OF NOT WORKING
TOGETHER AS A TEAM
and my diatribe ON THE PERILS OF
ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL
ONE'S SIBLING TO CONFORM
TO ONE'S OWN STANDARDS.)

. . . Li'l Empress was yelling "TOP!" at one son, and "NO!" to some poor innocent library patron who was trying to be sweet and friendly. One son was griping under his breath about the REALLY! EXCITED! EXUBERANT! ACTIVE! boys who were running into and around him. And still another son was shooting muttered, snarky hilarity at his brother in an attempt to get the cheap laugh and make his brother disrupt the relative peace and quiet one has come to expect of a library. It was not pretty.

And until the last one disappeared up the stairs after dinner, skulking quietly away after the EVIL DICTATOR MOMMA banished them all from polite company, it pretty much remained in its ugly state.

Then, as if by magic, the Gang's house became pretty. Peaceful, tidy, quiet. And pretty.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Because of the LORD's great love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

God Knew. He KNEW!

Yesterday, our church began a corporate fast and prayer season. Our ladies' Bible study group is currently reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and it's hitting hard. Good, but hard. Let's just say that I'm not nearly as crazy as I'd like to be. And I certainly don't understand or live like I "get" how truly crazy HE is for me.

Today I began a series of readings called Seeds of Change from Show Hope, the ministry started by Steven and MaryBeth Chapman. It's been sitting in my Bible for a couple years, and I'd peruse it occasionally. But I never actually read through all 30 readings in sequence, as a commitment to acting on what I believe HE has called me to be. What HE has put in me, fanning and sparking faithfully no matter how unfaithful or complacent or un-crazy I've been in my daily living of my (or is it our collective?) version of American Christianity. Putting this series of readings together with my study group's walk through Crazy Love might just be a tad dangerous.

Imagine my delight and my surprise when I opened the devotional today and saw one of my all-time favorite verses, smack-center on the inside cover of the book. Like I said, I've skimmed through this devotional book a couple times off and on (more "on" during our long wait for Li'l Empress, more "off" since I became Momma to five little Gang members). Until today, I never saw this verse printed on the inside cover.

Ephesians 2:8-10
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,

which God prepared in advance
for us to do."
(italics and bolding mine)

God knew. HE KNEW!

Bear with me, please. This is not a new revelation to me, and likely not to you either. But it hit me quite differently today than in all my years of reading the book of Ephesians.

In the past, I've always camped on the "not by works" segment of the verse. As a "do-er" and a gal who struggles with perfectionist, people-pleasing tendencies, I've had a hard time "getting" that my salvation, and the "working it out in fear and trembling" daily commitment of that salvation, is a gift. With no strings attached. Given with unconditional love. The old acronym, God's Riches At Christ's Expense, has always been a hard one for me to embrace. I get stuck on the working part. The "doing stuff" part. I'm not inviting suggestions or judgment for this; it's the journey that keeps me searching and keeps me seeking Him above my understanding. I am guessing that there are plenty of you, my dear readers, that also struggle to understand this great mystery with me!

Today, I stopped and stared at the "which God prepared in advance for us (me) to do," part. (I try to personalize my readings in the Word by adding my name or personal pronouns when ever applicable.) I have no idea why I stopped and stared. I mean, when I went to my Bible just several moments earlier to read it in greater context to the verses around it, it didn't jump out at me that way. Maybe it did so today because of the way it was printed on the devotional's cover page. That phrase sitting at the bottom of the paragraph all by itself. Kinda like I have it typed above. Maybe because today I needed to see it differently. Maybe because today, I am different.

To be honest, the last time I spent any amount of time really immersed in the book of Ephesians was at the beginning of our adoption journey. Before I felt the call to adopt a child shift to a call to advocate for orphan care & adoption. Before I knew that God was asking me to speak up on behalf of the little ones who can't speak for themselves. Before I knew that this community of those who are passionate about orphan care, and particularly special needs adoption, is infectious, contagious, and addictive. Downright dangerous, one might say.

But today? I've learned a lot along the way. I know more about myself. I know more about what can be done (and should be done!) on behalf of these little ones. I know more about how ONE person can change a life. I know more of the ONE who changed my life. I know more about how He created me and wired me to care about sharing that change with others. I know that HE knit me this way. And to knit me, He had to know me. He had to know that this passion to live a life that would effect change for even just one orphan would ignite in my heart. And burn in a way that I never would have predicted or even welcomed before this season of my life.

All the while, God knew. He KNEW.

How crazy and dangerous is THAT?

Are You Following Me?

Last Sunday, my dad preached a sermon about 7 things that hold believers back or hinder their growth in Christ. I missed the last half of the sermon because Li'l Empress had a runny nose and we ran out of tissues to staunch the flow. But something that he said really stuck with me and I'll be brewing on it (and the rest of the sermon when and if his sound team gets is up on their website!) for quite a while.

"Are you safe to follow?"

It wasn't really the main point of the sermon, but it drove into my spirit as an arrow. Am I living my life in a manner that makes me a safe sister in Christ for others to watch and imitate my faith? Am I living my life in such a way that I WANT my kids to follow me as I am following Christ?

I'm not one for making big resolutions every year. I regularly fail at my attempts on my own to eat healthier, exercise more, forgive more easily, extend more grace readily, and so on. In fact, I'm convinced that, unless the LORD gives me a goal and a plan for a particular area in my life which needs improvement and unless I surrender my Self to His workings and His power, any efforts of self-will or self-control on my part to "be better" are as filthy rags. And believe you me, I need no more dirty laundry around here.

However, I believe that for the year 2010, I am going to seek the Lord for just how HE wants me to become a safe believer to follow. I am going to commit to prayer and seek HIS wisdom on the areas that HE desires to pare out of my heart and the cleansing that HE wants to make in my spirit and my mind. I desire to be a safe believer, for anyone to follow. I want my kids to be able to trust the footsteps they see me walking. I want younger moms to know that they can rely on me for direction and wisdom that comes from the Lord. I want other adoptive moms to know that they can follow me as I follow Christ's hearts for our little ones as they grow into and attach to our families. I want what comes out of my mouth and out of my heart to be HIS words. HIS WORD.

I want 2010 to be the year that
I KNOW I became a safe believer to follow.

Hand Picked

Today is the One Year Anniversary of Li'l Empress's referral date. I've spent a lot of time in recent weeks re-reading archived posts related to our adoption journey around this time last year. Many of you may remember the tumultuous times we went through in June and early July of last year. The highs of thinking that we'd found our Li'l Empress (here) and the lows of the failed first referral (here). In between those extremes, we tried to live life as normally as possible. We tried to keep our hearts and minds stayed on HIM and HIS plan for our family. It was an excruciatingly painful journey, and often times felt like a miscarriage. (I say this because I had one many years ago, filled with similar extremes, questions and unknowns over the three weeks of waiting to know the final outcome.)

We had so many questions during that season. So many tears. We took strength from the prayers of our friends and family, including many of you. I spent many early morning hours sitting at the front window, Bible open on my lap, coffee cup at my side, seeking wisdom and peace. Through it all, we hung on to the promises of the Lord. We clung to the verses that you all sent us. And we clung to the words that our wonderful agency director shared with us, as he and his staff walked through this uncharted territory. (To our knowledge, there weren't very many other such referral failures happening with the then-new special needs program of "locking in" a child's file.) Here is a quote from a post on July 3rd, last year:

Here's where we are now: apparently, there was some mistake made in the SN offices at the CCAA that resulted in the failure of this referral being definitively matched to our family. When pressed by our beloved director at Living Hope to make things right (we thank God for him!), they (the CCAA) agreed to hand-pick a child for us based on our Special Needs application that Miss Ashley has on file.(bold and italics added today for this post)

As a family, we stood on those words, "hand-pick" and began that day interceding for THE LORD to be the one to hand-pick our daughter. That the plan of the LORD for our family, and for the little girl that HE had hand-picked from the beginning of time, would NOT be thwarted by the enemy. We filled the house with music that would keep our hearts and minds focused on our mission. (Thank you, Lord, for Steven Curtis Chapman's cd This Moment. It was an integral part of our healing process and our journey toward our Li'l Empress in that season.) We posted verses and quotes all over the windows, mirrors, and the fridge that would aim our prayers like arrows into the offices of the CCAA. We honed in on the concept of Li'l Empress being hand-picked by the Lord for our family. We went after it. Looking back on it now, it's amazing to me that all this happened over a four week time frame. It felt like MOOOOOONTHS while we were in it. But God was faithful. He met us in a powerful way. He taught us valuable things about Himself. And about our own hearts. He moved mountains with our prayers. He bonded hearts in unity over the hand-picking of our daughter. He used our story to move the hearts of many who read or heard about it.

On Monday, July 14th at 8:17 a.m. we got a phone call that changed our lives. It was the moment for which we had been praying. Our adoption agency called to say that a referral had been delivered for a little girl that they believed was our "hand-picked" daughter. (You can read about the phone call here.) It was the first day of a joyful, exuberant, exciting journey (most of which is chronicled in our archives if you are interested in reading more).

Now, one year later, how do I know how much God loves me? How much does my Father love to remind me of the beauty and joy that He has brought into my life? Well, on a recent trip to my local K@hl'$, look at what I found waiting for me on the racks.

No matter that this daughter of mine has plenty of jammies to get through the summer and fall season. Never mind that these particular jammies are just about the cutest ones I've ever seen. And please, who even cared that they were 40% off with a 15% coupon? This little kiss from My Abba Daddy was the perfect touch-stone by which to remember all that He has done for us. And all that He has in store for Li'l Empress.

I'm just so blessed that He has allowed me to join the fun!

These two pictures are of Li'l Empress at about 6 months old, when she was entered into the Waiting Child program of the Chinese International Adoption program. The same month that we filed the paperwork with our adoption agency to pursue a waiting child (special needs.) How cool is God?!

I'm a Loyal Commenter!

Thanks to the gals over at 5 Minutes for Moms for their very kind and effusive words in today's featured "Say It Forward"(today's post). I am honored to be chosen as a Loyal Commenter; and I'm so happy to be included in the fun here at 5 Minutes for Moms. It's been a great experience to connect with so many moms and learn from many of them on such a broad array of topics. How exciting to be part of a community that seeks to honor the Father through equipping moms and encouraging them to use their skills and gifts in their marriages, their parenting, and their local communities!

This week, as my part in the "Say It Forward" fun, I want to publicly thank Heidi at God's Grace In Practice. I've had the pleasure of meeting her in person now, as we are both "CHOP Moms" - our little ones see the same ENT and audiologists. She's as sweet and kind in person as she always is in her comments to my posts. We share a deep faith in Jesus Christ and I have always appreciated her honesty and her thoughtful perspective, both in her comments and in her own blog.

Her blog is a great mix of practical parenting, frugal living, and journeying through the mazes of parenting a special needs child. In the months since her "Little Boy Blue" was born, she's also become an active voice in the world of parents who blog about their experiences with Cornelia de Lange Syndrome. As a fellow mom to a special needs child, I have learned a lot about services, therapies, and advocating for a child. She's also posts some yummy recipes occasionally, and you all know how much I love new recipes! An added bonus for me is that her blog is just down right pretty. I love all the calming colors and patterns. Even though I just met her once in person, I see just how perfectly it matches her temperament.

Please, take a minute to click over to Heidi's blog and tell her that The Gang's Momma sent you. You'll like what you read there, I promise!

The Twisty Turny Tale, Part 2

**This is part 2 in the telling of a series of events that the Lord has recently allowed us to experience, in the journey of the adoption of our Li'l Empress. If you haven't yet read part 1, I encourage you to head back to yesterday's post first. It really does need to be told. For Li'l Empress's benefit as she grows. For my benefit, to remind me of the faithfulness and love of My Father. For your benefit, to read and see that the Lord is good. He cares about you. He is in the details of your life. He wants to weave a tale for you.

Here's where we left off:

My little girl has had far too many
major "good-byes"
in her little life already.

The really exciting thing to me about this statement is that the Lord allowed it to be the primary reaction to this unfolding story for a reason. You see, I found all this out just at the time when I was feeling weary. Tired from the nights of rocking her heavy little body to sleep in my arms, standing droopily by her crib. Tired from not having my regular date nights out with The Boss. Weary from wondering how long adjustment and transition takes for a 15-month old baby girl. I've spoken before of her strong will. That alone is an exhausting adjustment. Add the task of intentionally setting the tones of security, unconditional love and sense of enduring family, and you can see why I was tired. Please understand. I rejoice in this gift we call the Li'l Empress. I am so joyful to have my darling dumpling in my arms at last. But the week that this story began to unfold, I was tired.

Isn't that just like our Father?! He knew I was weary. He knew that for all the joy and excitement we were experiencing, the honeymoon period was over and the work of real life was settling in. And He lovingly orchestrated these events in such a way that I could receive them for what they were: treasures and peeks into my daughter's first year.

As an outstanding and extravagant "ribbon topper" to the amazing gift of insight to Li'l Empress's life, these generous and thoughtful contacts from China Care were able to forward to us a series of photos taken by their staff members as part of their documentations and records of the children to whom they minister. We have 60-70 pictures of our girl, throughout her entire first 13 months! What a gift. What a priceless, precious gift. For us now, and for her as she grows. To see her growth and changes and development. To see her little personality start to emerge as she grows in her awareness of the camera. To see tangible evidence that she was loved and nurtured, and I might add, apparently very well-fed if her chubby cheeks are any evidence at all!

The extravagance didn't end there. They also generously forwarded three (yes, THREE!) videos featuring Li'l Empress in all her cuteness, interacting with the camera and with her foster parents. We are over-flowing with gratitude. We are humbled by the knowledge that this is a rare treasure. We are more humbled by the fact that this is rare treasure that most adoptive families never get to experience. We went into this adoption knowing that we may never have more than a cursory medical report or two on our child. We knew we were okay with that and knew that God could and would cover what we were missing, both in our knowledge of her past and in the journey to becoming a family. He has. And He will continue to.

Now, thanks to this twisty turny tale of events that we couldn't have made up if we tried, we have more of our daughter's story - with its own tale of twists and turns that carried her to us. And we give thanks.

The Twisty Turny Tale, Part 1

Several weeks ago, a reader I didn't know I had (thanks Sandi!) left me a comment regarding a picture she had seen of The Boss, Li'l Empress and I on our Adoption Day. The picture was posted over at Found Cameras and Orphan Pictures. It's a website dedicated to uniting lost cameras, memory sticks, and pictures with their rightful owners. Apparently, the owner of the site also posts pictures of orphans and/or their new families occasionally in an effort to help adoptive families gather more information and pictures of their children or their trip, etc.

Well, gather information we did!

After a series of email exchanges and connections all over the world, we have learned some great background on our precious girl. Stick with me, the story isn't that complicated, but it's still all new to us and we're praying and processing through what it all means for our family.

Apparently, the orphanage to which Li'l Empress was brought at her finding is one that is largely supported by a not-for-profit organization called China Care. In a nutshell, and in my own words, China Care exists to support and provide resources to orphanages across China. Some of these resources include, but are not limited to, formula, medical supplies, foster parent training and group home staffing. Li'l Empress lived in the orphanage from August '07 until November '07, at which time she was placed in the group home run by China Care under the orphanage's jurisdiction. Now, we knew that she was very blessed to be at her particular orphanage, as our research had shown it to be a very well-run, clean and pleasant orphanage. As orphanages go, of course. But to know that she was able to be in a smaller home environment, with a maximum of 10 babies and more individualized care, attention, and stimulation has been a priceless gift for this Momma's heart.

Further, we learned that China Care later placed Li'l Empress in an individual foster home in April '08 while she waited for her forever family. We have known about the foster parents since July; we even have pictures of her in their home and in her foster mother's arms. But to know that it was under the covering of this reputable and caring organization that trains their foster parents and provides them with resources is another treasure. I've said here before that we are so grateful to her foster parents - it's obvious that they prepared her well for her new family by loving her and modeling family relationships for her. She is well on her way to attaching deeply and firmly to us all and we know that they had a part to play in that. It's why we began praying for them as soon as we knew about them.

The new piece of the puzzle for us is that these foster parents actually had petitioned to formally adopt Li'l Empress themselves. My heart aches for the pain that they must have felt when they were denied. She was already "tagged" for the international adoption program. In their generous and loving relationship with her, they gave our daughter a firm foundation of confidence and security. Knowing that they loved her enough to want to make her their own forever-girl makes my gratitude and respect for them go even deeper.

However, at this point, I must point out that our instincts to parent her according to the attachment parenting philosophies that we dabbled in with our biological kids were spot on. (thanks, Teresa J, for sharing that awesome Dr. Sears book so many years ago! Who knew the journey we'd take with it on our nightstand all these years?!) Actually, it was far more than instinct. It was the divine hand of God, leading us to a resource that would benefit our whole family and provide a great foundation for understanding the needs of an adopted child. You see, with all this new information that I've been gathering and processing about Li'l Empress's first 13 months of life "before us," one major thing has jumped out at me over and over again.

My little girl has had far too many
major "good-byes"
in her little life already.

Come back tomorrow
for the conclusion
to the twisty turny tale . . .

Thank God It's Friday!

I can't remember the last time I so longed for Friday. I love the feeling of wrapping up my weekly chores. Bustling around the house to finish laundry. Checking the calendar for the coming week's events. Folding that last load of laundry till Monday (for the sake of my sanity and a break in the "scenery" we have a "no laundry on the weekends" policy!). Squeezing in a baking project. Planning meals for the the next few days ahead. Typically, these are all the things that make up my perfect Friday.

I think I may have mentioned in the last few posts that my weeks have been anything but typical as of late. In fact, it's been a rough and rocky road here lately. I hinted at it in my last post: beyond the broken arms, viruses and infections, there's been some other things going on here. Things that weigh a mom down. Things that make the day-to-day difficult to navigate. Things that make adjusting to a "new normal" even harder than it should be. Things that have long-term implications for our health and well-being as The Gang.

None of these other things are any different than what stuff other families deal with, but after much prayer and talking with The Boss, I've come to the realization that these things are all being dealt with wrongly. We've all been looking at these "things" and reacting to them. We've been weighed under by them, allowing them to press us to the mat. And when we've been pressed, frustration, anger and selfishness has been leaking out all over. We've been attacking each other. We've each been looking at what we need to do to make it through the day for our own needs. We've been tearing each other down. We've been feeling defeated and continuing to act out of that defeat.

After a rocky and frustrating start to our day, after I allowed my selfish expectations and angry feelings spill out all over my beloved family, I stood in my kitchen and felt sick to my stomach. Recognizing the feeling for what it was, I quickly repented to My Jesus and then to my hubby. The Boss and I made a plan to have a family meeting tonight, to share with The Gang our observations and our (re-newed) perspective of the activities around here. During this re-focus and our re-connection with The Gang tonight, we hope to re-establish who we are as a family. Who we are In Christ. And where we are going. Together. Re-draw the battle lines, if you will. It's time. Frankly, it's way past time and I'm sorry that it took me this long to see it.

So, I've got a pot of soup simmering in the crock pot. There's a loaf of bread rising in the bread maker and some peanut-butter cookie bars cooling on the counter. I picked up a fun family movie we've all been dying to see. And around our great big family dinner table, we're gonna have that talk. We're going to repent to each other and to the Lord and we're gonna start fresh.

Mmmm, maybe I'll frost those cookie bars. Can't have a deep, intimate conversation about intentionality, team building, and self-less loving without chocolate frosting on peanut butter bars. Now, can we?

Redefining

Li'l Empress is strong-willed. In fact, she is very strong-willed. She does not like to be crossed. Or corrected. She despises being thwarted when she's moving toward something that she wants. The Boss and I have agreed over these recent weeks that she is likely going to be THE little Gang member that redefines the Gang's definition of a strong-willed child.

I'm okay with that. As I've said before, the Lord gave me her name many years ago, which means "little fiery one." This fiery temperament is, I believe, what gave her the ability to grow and even thrive in the midst of what were (at best!) difficult circumstances at the start of her little life. I'm okay with the growls and stiffened little torso when I move her away from dangerous scenarios. I'm good with her scowls and screeches when I take away the remote control. I'm even fine with the heated (like melt-plastic-heated!) stares I get when I take food off her tray after she's thrown most of it on the floor in defiance.

So, I've been very, very busy remembering the tricks and tools I used on the other little Gang members when they were 14 mos. old. I'm implementing all my skills of distraction and re-direction that I learned back when. I've even taken out notes from teachings I was blessed to sit under in the early years of my parenting journey. And while I'm doing it, in my heart I'm thanking my personal heroes who were instrumental in my life to teach me those skills necessary to parent a toddler. To parent a very strong-willed toddler.

Mom. Susan. Sheri. Zory. Karna. The list goes on. . .

These are godly women who invested in me, who saw where I was at and came along-side me. Who lent me a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on. Who prayed for me and with me. And who loved my babies almost as much as I love my babies. No matter how snotty or resistant they might have been acting at the moment. These women loved me and did not judge me.

Parenting "a second time around" has given me a greater appreciation for the fact that this season will pass. That at the other side, God will have formed a sweet and strong little warrior for His kingdom. Granted, I have a ton more experience and a great deal more help and support in the form of Li'l Empress's four slaves who arrive home at 3:15 every day to give me a break. But even so, I have noticed lately that I am picking the battles differently. I'm going after the battles that will make a real difference in the war for my daughter's heart. I'm letting some of the skirmishes go. I'm feeling more relaxed that I'm NOT going to screw up this child by my action or inaction. (At least not too badly!)

And I'm grateful. I am exceedingly grateful - for the help of The Gang. For the investment of those heroes God placed in my life along the way. And for the mercy of the Lord that is all over us while Li'l Empress works daily (hourly?!) at her efforts of redefining "strong-willed."

Last Night In China

As I sit here, open luggage all around me and Aidan playing rambunctiously in her crib, I am feeling humbled and amazed. While the swearing ceremony was indeed quite informal, I found myself strangely emotional and exultant. The diplomat that led us in our pledge (that all the information provided to the US gov't during the entirety of our adoption process is true and accurate to the best of our knowledge) was very kind and touching in her opening remarks. That started the water works, and by the time we were done and everyone around me was cheering, I was working really hard to gain some composure.

I am humbled, as I said in today's earlier post, at the tremendous honor and privilege that the US gov't, the Chinese republic, and ultimately my Father has given our family. One of my fellow bloggers called these children "China's national treasures," and I couldn't agree more. As the saying among adoptive parents goes, though she was not formed and knit together under my heart she surely grew in my heart over the course of these two and a half years of the journey.

I'm amazed at the ferocity of my love for her.

Sitting in that nondescript American consulate office, I'm amazed at the emotion and joy that flooded my heart just at the sight of the American flag. No breeze waving it majestically in the air, no trumpets blaring or fanfare at all. Just the beautiful red, white and blue standing like a sentry at the door to the consulate's office.

I am humbled and amazed.

This is my last post from China. The next time I check in with you all, its will to be from the comfort of my own living room, as I sit cradling a hot coffee with sugar-free hazelnut creamer in my Tigger mug. But not until I've got all the hugs and kisses that the rest of the Gang can stand from me.

Until then, thanks for the support and encouragement in the form of comments, emails and prayers. The Boss and I both have felt carried and covered for the entirety of the journey.

Just one more prayer request?

Please pray for safe travel and a sleepy, happy baby. The other passengers will thank you!

A Good, Good Sunday

Except for the extraordinarily early waking that seems to have taken over my normal non-morning self, this was a Good, Good Sunday.

The Boss woke at 5 a.m. After tossing and turning for 45 minutes he got up. Well, that woke me and I bolted right up out of bed after him, thinking that he could only be up so ridiculously early on a cool cozy Sunday morning for what must be a very important reason. Like the sump pump failing after last night's final rain storms. (It's happened before, that's not just my crazy, before-coffee insanity in action!)

I padded down the stairs to find him on the couch watching CNN. I mumbled something about the basement and sump pump. He replied, "No, I just couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about things we still need to pack." Humph. Grumble. Well, welcome to my life. For. The. Past. THREE. WEEKS!

I curled up on the couch and dozed off between NFL analysis of the upcoming season, weather reports about the courting dance on which Hanna seems to be leading Ike, and in-depth interviews with Ob*m*'s closest campaign staff. Finally, at 8 a.m. I roused myself to take a shower and get the gang moving toward Sunday services.

At church, the atmosphere was celebratory. After spotty crowds during the whole month of August, it was great to see everyone back and getting into the swing of things. It was sweet fellowship, both connecting with church family who have been out of town and worshiping together with my four kids. (The Boss worships too, he just joined us late as he was ushering.)

Pastor Brother-in-law called The Gang forward as a family so that he, my Li'l Sis, and our church elder could lay hands on us and send us out with their blessing and prayer coverage. He said some beautiful things about choosing to open our hearts to follow God's plan for building our family through adoption. He read James 1:27:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Then he spoke briefly about the way the world could defile our pure religion in this adoption journey. The thoughts he spoke are all things we've heard over and over through this whole experience:

"You already have four children, what could you possibly want with more?"
"How on earth are you going to support 5 children?"
"You already got your girl, why do you need another?"
"How on earth will you pay for college for 5 kids?"

Yup, we've heard it all. And then some. I'll never forget the day, early in the paper-chase of this journey, when an older, obviously hurting and angry man stopped by our first yard sale. All over the place the kids had plastered signs indicating that the proceeds of this sale would be help to fund our journey to China. Such hate and racism spewed from his mouth that I actually sent the younger kids inside to shield them from his words. I thanked him for coming and wished him well on his other yard-sale stops. Kind of a "thanks for coming, thanks for going. NOW" thing. Nicely as I could muster.

But Pastor Brother-in-law was right. This is our calling. This is the daughter of our hearts, the one the Lord has led us to. The child He has given us to love, nurture, and train to follow Him. The daughter He created for The Gang. This is our journey to walk out the faith that the Lord has called us to. It was overwhelming and inspiring to know that our church family is standing behind us, covering us in prayer and anxiously awaiting the day they all get to meet her and welcome her to her big extended family. We felt really blessed by the joy and support.

After service, we came home to big cheese-y strombolis (it now takes 3 or 4 to feed this gang!) and a sound trouncing of the Rams by our beloved Eagles. Over half-time, I gave Shaggy his blogging lesson (see below!), complete with how to post pictures if I can't do it in China. The little ones finished their day with a dip in the chilly pool while the big boys went to youth group. I've been plugging through my To Do list and am finally making head way on it. It's actually getting shorter instead of longer!

All in all, it was a Good, Good Sunday.

At the left here is Aidan's first Eagles hoodie. Is it not THE CUTEST thing you've ever seen? It was a very special gift from a friend who knows how much my family loves our Eagles.