If You Can't Say Something Nice. . .

Recently several folks whom I really love or admire have been experiencing nasty attacks of gossip and mean-spirited words.  I've also noticed what seems to be an upswing of nasty comments or hurtful interactions on some of my favorite blogs lately. I've even read several blogs and forums in which the participants are considering shutting down their sites or their part of the activities.  All because of hateful words that one or two folks can't seem to keep to themselves. I must be living with my head in the clouds or something, because I can.NOT. believe some of the things that folks feel free to say to, or about, others. I am shocked at the decidedly ugly things commenters write to bloggers.

I have to admit, it's been really hard for me to remain supportive and encouraging to my friends or loved ones without becoming bitter or angry at those who are causing such hurt. I'm a loyal person by nature. I'm also a fairly positive person.  I love and trust easily and (I hope!) freely. But when a friend is attacked, I get riled and  . . . if you go after a family member?  Well, fuggedaboudit.  Just. Step. Away. From. The. Angry. Momma.

However, in my own journey as a Christian woman, I've found that I must also maintain a constant state of alert to the criticism and judgments that I feel rising up within me. When a discussion becomes a debate, when comments become personal attacks and topics get "too close for comfort,"  I find myself fighting to rein in my own criticisms and disagreements. I have to try to edit myself in a more positive and constructive manner that will allow the conversation to continue and maybe even be productive. More often than not, I advise myself of the old adage "when you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." 

It's a constant battle, and likely more so for me because I love to talk. I love to share my thoughts. I'm not immune to the shock of reading something with which I strongly disagree. In fact, it has happened quite recently. I reacted in the privacy of my own home, ranted really. And then I sought counsel. I tempered my response and offered A. thought. Just one. Then I stopped. I just stopped. Because IF I had let myself really say all that my critical, judgmental self wanted to say, I'd have offended a sister in Christ. A believer who is muddling along, trying to find her way in a new situation, just like me. Just like you. Aren't we all trying to figure it out?!

When things get really heated and a conversation turns into a debate, I start to feel frantic, fighting the NEED to share my thoughts. To make my point and gain understanding. If that cannot happen, I usually shut down. Sometimes, I MAKE myself shut down to avoid crossing my own lines of temptation to unleash my barrage of anger, criticism, judgment or hurt. I disengage from the cycle. Hopefully, at this stage of my life, I'm disengaging earlier and pulling away with more wisdom and discernment than in earlier years. Hopefully, I've learned SOMETHING about the power of my tongue (or my words and my writing).

 

As I've been hearing the pain of my friends and loved ones, and reading the stories of bloggers who have felt attacked or misunderstood, I've been grieved. My heart has ached for the pain inflicted. But a sense of anger and frustration has also lingered. I am angry at the way we conduct ourselves in our various communities. I have asked myself countless times what I can be and should be doing differently. In my personal relationships. In my blogging interactions. Normally, I completely avoid talking about controversial subjects here on this blog.  I just couldn't avoid this particular frustration any longer.

At the risk of sounding hopelessly idealistic and naive, I want to ask, "Why can't we all just get along?"  Can we at least try to change our own reactions? Temper how we connect with each other? Respect that we come at these conversations and experiences from different angles? That we might actually be able to learn from another if we can keep our tongues leashed long enough to really listen? We instead often sound like discordant, clanging cymbals that make unbearable noise. Our words, written or spoken, can create chaos in the ears and the mind and the heart.

As a Christian, I believe that the Creator made us all with unique talents and gifts. That these talents and gifts combine with our life experiences to be used to honor God. To be used to show the world around us a better way to live. To be used to show someone the beauty, the freedom, and the redemption of becoming "like Christ."  If we allow ourselves to be used as instruments in HIS HANDS, if we work harder at speaking with restraint and with love, we can be a beautiful masterpiece that blends together to make a symphony.  We can let our voices be heard in a harmony, that encourages one another and lifts up the arms of those around us.

 

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

~ St. Francis of Assisi  ~