An Unwelcome House Guest

It's been pretty quiet here in my little corner of the blogosphere. I know. We've been in a hard season with things. This season has been exhausting. Frustrating. Desperate. Isolating. Painful. Exhausting. Draining. The pace of our household has hardly relented in deference to the hard season. It couldn't.

I can tell you exactly when it started.

Let me tell you the story.

In early December, Trauma came to visit. He snuck into the house, bringing Control, Anxiety, and Fear with him. They are the kind of house guest that rolls into your pretty little guest room unannounced. The kind of house guest that brings his unpleasant friends stowed away in his suitcase before you can even process that his suitcase has been tossed on your guest bed. On the good linens no less. They are the kind of house guest the adage speaks of: "Company and fish start to stink after three days."

Let me tell you, it stunk way sooner than three days.

It seems as if Mei Mei's first surgery brought Trauma out of hiding. It's totally understandable and we knew to expect it from lots of previous experiences - Trauma lurks in those hospitals for lots of kids. Kids from great, loving, nurturing beginnings. Kids from hard places. Kids with serious sicknesses. Kids with simple playground accidents. But it really feels like he was waiting for her in that room. Hiding under that oh-so-institutional crib cage. Hovering under the ugly, rough blankets.

Worse, he felt it necessary to follow her home from the hospital. He toyed with her, making a game of randomly waking her. He got his buddy to help. Fear clutched at her throat. Trauma whipped Control into a frenzy of raging tantrums over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that weren't cut "just so." He'd whisper in Anxiety's ear a teensy little musing, thus starting the "Telephone Game" of insecurities repeated and grossly warped beyond recognition by the time they got to my girl's ear. It took us a few weeks of muscling through our own sleep deprivation and the dirty laundry of these unwelcome guests to figure out that they thought they were here to stay.

When the awareness took root that these weren't visitors, but squatters, The Boss and I dug into our bag of spiritual warfare tactics and started making things very uncomfortable for these intruders. It's been hard work, this remediation of the damage they sought to inflict. It's taken all of our energies. Certain Fruits of the Spirit have gotten extra work-outs, through the muddle of sleep deprivation.

{Really, moms, isn't the irregular sort of sleep deprivation the worst kind of all? I think I could probably get used to 4-5 hours of sleep if that was the new norm. But 8 hours, then 4, then 6 then 4 again? Oh.MY.WORD.}

Scripture is being spoken, sung, hummed, and prayed. The new rocking chair is logging many, many miles. Old hymns of Truth and Promise are being called to mind, used as lullabies, even if the verses are mixed up and tunes are badly mangled. The security and anchor of The Word that my folks encouraged me to memorize and sink deeply into my heart as a young believer are pouring out when I'm too tired to coherently put together my own prayer.

Practical things had to be tended to, to aid the eviction of the unwanted tenants. So January was spent re-establishing household routines and my beloved systems. (Gasp! Yes, even I was shocked at how long it took me to get back on that bandwagon I so love!) I grocery shopped multiple times between snow storms. I baked and cooked whenever the snow dumped on us, and we were snowed in. Menu planning, preparation of the daily dinner, and laundry days all were re-instituted. Many days those tasks were literally ALL that I could handle. But handle them I did. Anxiety had no choice but to pipe down in the wake of the loud, proud boasting of permanence and structure that our return to routines gave. I much prefer when Security and Confidence hang out with my gang, don't you?

February was focused on establishing some kind of social schedule for the little extroverted Mei Mei and her extrovert momma. Too many unstructured days staying home all day gave Trauma and Control way too much freedom to wreak their havoc. Play dates here at home and busy mornings out to do our errands made way for Joy, Cooperation, and Peace to hang out with us. It continues to amaze to me just HOW much of an extrovert this little girl is!

And while we aren't certain that Trauma has left the building just yet, we do feel as if he's recognized that his days are numbered. When he slinks off into the darkness and muck from whence he came, he will have no choice but to pack up his traveling mates with him. The foundation upon which we have built our home has made Trauma's stay an uncomfortable one and he's learning that we cannot, WILL NOT co-habitate with him.

Since our name is on the mortgage, he's the one that's got to go.

Special thanks to my lovely friend, Amelia.

Her keen eye for detail, spiritual wisdom,

and excellent writing skills

helped me pull this metaphor

together with far more eloquence

and consistency of voice

than I am capable of in this hard season!

Building a Foundation

My parents came to a personal relationship with the Lord in the mid-70's. At that time and through the majority of the 80's, much of the praise & worship in their circles was Scripture put to music - straight from The Word. Choruses were simple and the quotes were often from The King James version of The Bible. I loved learning new songs: the lyrics were poetic and appealed to my poetry-writing heart. The many repetitions we sang sunk both the songs and the verses from which they came deep into my heart and mind.

It's a gift I treasure, particularly in the hard times of life. I feel His faithfulness and love for me when a song floods my heart, specific to the situation I'm facing, washing my thoughts with The Word. Being able to sing out, and thus stand on the promises and the declarations of His character and His commitment to me, has carried me in some very difficult times. I've shared here before how much I love the old hymns of my faith, for much the same reason. The bedrock that The Word put to music provides in my life is a comfort, a foundation, a keystone.

The other day, as I was rocking Mei Mei to sleep, I was singing and humming my favorite hymn, "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" as we snuggled together. Out of seemingly nowhere, the Lord brought an old chorus to my mind. I can't even say I was really searching for a new song to sing, though the minute I "heard" the tune in my head, I knew HE had just been waiting to give it to me again. I've been singing it all week long. I love the way He quickened it to me, wrapping me in His love and giving me another tool by which to sing her life verse over her day after day. I love that for years now I have had this verse memorized and buried deep into my heart. That I now have the privilege of delivering it to her little heart and mind. This is a bedrock verse for her life and I get to actively build that foundation of His love and His mercy for her each time we sit in my rocking chair to snuggle before bed and nap times.

Isn't He so good? What a gift, to be able to so directly speak to my daughter's heart.

The Steadfast Love Of The Lord

by Robert Davidson

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end.

They are new every morning,

New every morning

Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord!

Great is Thy faithfulness"

The Playlist of My Heart

I've mentioned several times in recent weeks that the Lord has been bringing songs to my heart as I've pressed in to pray for our Mei Mei. It was much the same in our journey to Li'l Empress. There are just songs that connect with my spirit in powerful ways and give me a platform from which to pray. I could never narrow the list down to "just" five when I was waiting for Li'l Empress but I did highlight many of the most meaningful songs in this post and again in this one. To this day, each of those songs brings me right back to the very moments that I keyed in on them - they remain weapons in the praying hands of this momma even now.

This journey to Mei Mei has similarly been shaped. The emerging theme of understanding and accepting HIS unconditional and unfailing love has been both humbling and empowering. Turning my understanding into prayers over my daughter has definitely eased the pain and the myopic focus of the wait for her to join our family. I'm excited to share these songs with you all - maybe when you hear one of them, you'll join me in praying for our girl?

Home by Phillip Phillips - From the moment I first heard this song on the American Idol stage, I knew it was going to be one that resonated with the nation. But I also knew that it was going to be a really important song to me while I waited for Mei Mei. I love this kid's style anyway, but man, oh man! The first couple times I played it on my iPod, I could barely see through my tears. I usually get really annoyed by "saturation" in pop-culture music but this one does.not.get.old. for me. It just keeps me trudging forward, focused on my mission to get Mei Mei "HOME!"

Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture AND by Newsboys - This is the song that led me to Mei Mei's life verse. The first couple times I heard it, on the Newsboys album, I found myself singing it over and over and when I was home, I'd just keep repeating it on the iPod. Then I got the Jesus Culture cd for Christmas and that whole cd became my soundtrack of January's season of prayer and fasting with our church. I soaked in these words like a sponge, praying for my own emerging understanding of His love and commissioning angel ministry to anoint my daughter's spirit with the sense of deep and unfailing love.

On a side note, in the bridge of this song, the words are "You make all things work together for my good." In the interest of being totally honest, I struggled with those words A.LOT. during this delay we've been working through. I didn't want to sing the words because they didn't "feel" true. I couldn't figure out how this whole thing was going to work to ANYONE's good. But as I was praying through it one afternoon, the Lord reminded me that while it's good and right to be singing these words out as a praise for the prior experiences of His good thus far in my life, it is also imperative that I speak them out as a declaration of truth over the current and coming circumstances I face. That I speak them as a statement of faith in His ability to continue to work all things for my good. And you know what? I don't yet understand what good has or will (or honestly could!) come out of getting to our girl six to 8 weeks later than the original time line. But I don't have to. I just have to trust that His Word is true and He is working it out. Simply cuz He says He is. That's your freebie for the day. You can thank me later.

Kicking and Screaming by Third Day - this is the acoustic version and I just love it!!! But it's no secret to those that know me that I love me some Third Day. A day can hardly go wrong when you've  got Mac Powell and friends crooning you through it! This song is from their recent Miracle album and upon first listen, I felt like it was a great word picture for how I was feeling about my girl. Even before we got the news of this paperwork tangle, when we were (not so patiently!) waiting for our very delayed Letter of Approval, this song was resonating with me. I was fighting for my girl and gearing up for whatever I had to do to get her home. Heh. I had no idea that the fight was about to kick into high gear just a few days later. Now, as I listen to it and the mission for my girl has unfolded more and more, I hear it from Jesus' own heart. This is how much HE loves her. And He's already been fighting for her since the day she was created. I can't even tell you how that makes my heart soar!!!!

Your Love Is Like a River also by Third Day - also from the Miracle album. This song has been a point of healing and refreshment for me for many weeks now. This acoustic version is new to me - I actually prefer the studio version on the album but I love that they did this right out on the streets of Atlanta. Proclaiming HIS Word and letting it take flight over the city. This song has soothed my ruffled feathers while acting as a beacon to point me to HIS purposes and HIS plans for this season of the journey. When I've felt wrangled and roughed up by the "process" or misunderstood by those around me, this song has lifted my eyes to the hills and reminded me that my help comes from HIM. Special thanks to my sister-in-law for the Christmas gift, despite my brother's disdain for my taste in music. What does he know anyway?

How Great Thou Art - the version by Carrie Underwood is on my iPod but I'm sharing the live version of her singing it with Vince Gill. It cannot be compared to any.other. live version. Any.Where. Seriously, it's simply amazing. This old hymn of adoration reminds me daily that I must decrease that He can increase in me and through me. I've always loved this hymn but in this season of my life, the comfort I derive from being reminded that it's not about me is astounding.

Similarly, Great Is Thy Faithfulness is a stand-by in my faith walk. I am sharing this version just because I love this guy's voice and heart of worship. No matter who is singing it, the anchor it provides for my heart to worship my God has stood up well in the long journey to Mei Mei. I fully expect that this and "How Great Thou Art" will again be the lullabies my baby girl hears as I rock her to sleep each night. It was and is perfect for settling the wounded and weary heart, isn't it?

These are only a few of the songs that are running on the playlist of my heart as we inch closer and closer to our girl. The Lord has always ministered to me through music, whether it's worship tunes, old hymns, or pop songs one can hear on the radio. And I'm soaking it all in that I might be full to overflow onto the little sponge of Mei Mei's heart when we finally get to hold her in our arms!

Simple Beauty

After a pretty hectic week,

kicked off by a stomach virus responsible for

stealing time away from my dearest friends

and then dominated by juggling skills I didn't know I had, 

a morning walk through my gardens re-adjusted

my heart and my mind.

The simple beauty is soothing and restorative.

This is my Father’s world, and to my listening ears
All nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world: I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
His hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father’s world, the birds their carols raise,
The morning light, the lily white, declare their Maker’s praise.
This is my Father’s world: He shines in all that’s fair;
In the rustling grass I hear Him pass;
He speaks to me everywhere.

Words by Maltbie D. Babcock

Then Sings My Soul!

One of my most cherished memories is of a Sunday service in the teeny tiny 3-car-garage-turned sanctuary of my Dad's first church. We had only been home from my grandfather's funeral services and family time for a week or so but we were all still very tender and bruised over our incredible loss. For the first time in my life, I was dealing with real grief, the permanency of loss, and the awareness that while this was hard for me to grapple with, it was THAT MUCH harder for my dad to process through. He was very close to his dad and enjoyed a very loving, connected relationship with his father. It's one of the first times that I remember being so keenly aware that my dad was in a kind of pain and sadness that wouldn't just "go away" with a sweet card or a sunny day. That my dad had to deal with our collective pain on top of and connected to his own grief.  It was a profound week or two for me, coming to terms with watching his sadness and realizing that my pain was joined to someone else's pain.

On that Sunday morning so long ago, I was full of all kinds of heightened emotions and struggling to connect with the worship time. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I see my dad's arms go up wide and outstretched. Tears were flowing freely down his face and he was singing through his brokenness:

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

I will never forget that picture, as long as I live. To this day, when that song comes up on my iPod rotation or across the airwaves of our local Christian music station, I am instantly transported to that moment. When we stand in church singing these words in our own worship service, I am arrested and can barely sing through my own tears.

I've mentioned before that The Boss and I are in a bit of a tough season right now. Looking for a new career position. Waiting for Brynna's adoption process to come to fruition. Anticipating Shaggy's graduation in less than a month. Trusting HIM for finances for the adoption and for Shaggy's future plans. Walking through lots of new stages with the other kids that aren't bad but are certainly very new. Tough stuff that has had the tendency these last few weeks to distract me and weigh me down.

So yesterday, when our worship team began this song, I knew God was speaking to me.

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

In the peaceful beauty of a starry still night, He is greater.

In the roar of life's greatest storms, He is greater.

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

In my desperate state of heavy burden and ugly sin, He was great.

He is greater.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

In my earthly struggle, bound by the circumstances of my human condition, He is great.

This is all real life stuff. But this is NOT my home.

And He is greater.

I'm so everlastingly grateful for the example of my Dad, for the chance to watch him walk through that great pain and, later as I grew, other painful difficult circumstances. Difficulties that would have broken a lesser man. Grief and hardship that would have distracted a less-intentioned man from the Truth. Instead, my dad let those circumstances drive him into the Truth. In my view, that song is my dad's lifesong.

In these hard times, during these stretching moments which I freely admit are NOTHING to contend with when compared to the pain I've seen my parents walk through in this life, I am choosing for it to be my lifesong also.

I'm lifting my eyes above the job loss. Above the uncertainty. Above the long wait to see my daughter's face. Above changes I know are coming to our home as Shaggy enters adulthood. Above the tensions and stresses of the everyday-ness of a busy life. Above the weariness and the frustration. Above the circumstances. 

I'm choosing to lift my eyes and sing to the heavens, arms up wide and outstretched.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

Sunday Snapshot {oh yes she did}

I've mentioned a time or two around here that I love hymns.

I have them playing in the background

of the busy pace here at The Gang's Home quite frequently.

You know, when I'm not blastin' my country tunes and singing along to those.

Apparently, my hymn lovin' self is rubbing off on my kids. Well, at least on the girls.

Seems that about a year ago, LadyBug taught Li'l Empress the words and the tune

to "Amazing Grace." And last spring, her pre-school teachers
delighted in telling me that during circle time,
they could hear Li'l Empress singing it to her friends.

She even stood up and did a concert for them all.

Yeah, that girl doesn't like the spotlight or anything.

And it seems that, even though WE haven't heard her belting it

out any time in recent memory, she's still preaching the Word

through song to her pre-school buddies.

Below is the daily update I get from her teacher.

She didn't just sing the Word over her classmates.

She made a microphone out of papertowel tubes first.

And then she preached the Word.

And why not? After all, there is a whole new crowd that needs to know the Truth.

Right?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I thought I'd share one of my favorite traditionally Irish hymns with you, in honor of St. Patrick's Day. It's simplicity and beauty never fail to move me. And it's an excellent prayer to meditate upon, no matter the day.

Be Thou My Vision

Mary Byrne, 1905

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Put Down the Coffee. Or the Pepsi! (you know who you are)

A lighter view of the historically reverent and rousing "Hallelujah Chorus" for your listening (and viewing) pleasure. Happy Tuesday to you all!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Friends, thank you so much for praying for this family. Their blog is NOT private any longer and I've been keeping up with Leslie and their story via the blog and emails. The news today is nothing short of miraculous. Take a moment to go there and read the story. It will encourage you and set your heart to dancing. God is so Good. All the times that I was in prayer over them, I kept hearing the old hymn, "Great is Thy Faithfulness," over and over in my heart. I have been singing it over them in my spirit all week. I am so happy to report to you that they are moving forward. Oh, just go read it for yourself. It's too good to read it in her words!

We are off to the TerraCotta Warriors this morning, after a bottle and breakfast. Aidan slept better, as did we, and I think the coughing is less "gaggy" and her breathing is less "snuffly." In fact, I actually got up at 6 to be sure she was still breathing! She was so quiet for so long. (Don't laugh, I know you other mothers and some daddies have done it too!)

If any of you see Baby BlueEyes today (the 21st in the States) please give him a huge shower of hugs and kisses from Mommy and Daddy. Our big boy is 7 today. We are so blessed to have him for our son. He is a light and a joy to all who know him and fills our hearts and our home with much laughter and love.

Happy Birthday, Buddy. We love you and thank God for you every day. We'll call ya later!

Still No Word

The Boss and I were up before 6:45 this morning (not at all normal for either of us on a Saturday!), seeking the Lord and soaking in His Word. I must admit, as the time drags on (while we wait to hear from our agency about yesterday's glitch and what they are able to do to ensure that this child will indeed be ours) it is hard to keep choosing faith and standing on the promises that we feel the Lord has given us over this decision. But peace and faith are a choice and I am choosing to stand in that place, to be still and to know that He is in control. Those verses from Psalm 34, 37, and 46 mean ever so much more this morning than they even did on Thursday morning.

We are waiting expectantly. We are choosing to praise. I am supremely grateful for some particular things that have been happening here with the Gang lately that have prepared us for this vigil.

Ever since his accident, (see my 7/23/07 post) Baby Blue Eyes has struggled on and off with varying degrees of fear. These fears are mostly related to very large vehicles or thunder and lightning storms and do not dominate his life. But when they are triggered, they could easily dominate his day. We've dealt with it differently over the past two years. But recently I had this amazing conversation with him. (I didn't know just how amazing till I remembered our talks last night!)

I shared with him that instead of choosing fear, he could choose some different paths in his heart and mind. For example, when the doctor wanted to cap off his new adult tooth that was chipped in the accident and is now finally erupted, he chose fear. I helped him see how he could have asked the doctor or the nurse a couple questions that would have given him an explanation of what they were doing next. (In his defense, they did just kind of abruptly announce their plans and commence the project with little explanation!)

I also shared with him that he could choose to praise. His name, (his real name!) means "Our God is known through our praise," and is taken from Psalm 76. The psalmist there is proclaiming the glory and might of our majestic God. He's declaring His reign over all the land and his victory over all the enemies. I explained to BBE that when he feels fear fluttering in his chest, upsetting his tummy or messing with his mind, he can choose to worship Jesus. He can sing out loud, he can pray, he can even dance and shout to the Lord.

This morning, I am choosing to praise. I am choosing to worship. I turned my iPod playlist to all my hymns. While I was cutting up fruit for a yummy salad at 7 a.m., I chose to sing. Here's the song that the Lord has stirring in my heart for today. Please, sing with me. Worship with me.

JOYFUL, JOYFUL, WE ADORE THEE
by Henry van Dyke

Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee,
Opening to their sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness,
Drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness, Fill us with the light of day.

All Thy works with joy surround Thee,
Earth and heaven reflect Thy rays,
Stars and angels sing around Thee, Center of unbroken praise:
Field and forest, vale and mountain,
Blooming meadow, flashing sea,
Chanting bird and flowing fountain, Call us to rejoice in Thee.

Thou art giving and forgiving, ever blessing, ever blest,
Well-spring of the joy of living,
Ocean-depth of happy rest!
Thou our Father, Christ our Brother,
All who live in love are Thine:
Teach us how to love each other, Lift us to the Joy Divine.

Mortals join the mighty chorus, which the morning stars began;
Father-love is reigning o'er us,
Brother-love binds man to man.
Ever singing marching onward, Victors in the midst of strife;
Joyful music lifts us sunward, In the triumph song of life.