My Tapestry

See that babe in arms? That's my Uncle Johnny. He passed away yesterday, leaving a legacy of kindness, gentleness, and love of family. He was the last of my grandfather's siblings to pass away, the youngest son in a big, loving, Italian family.

Of course, none of them were perfect, but every single memory I have of these great-uncles and great-aunts is just that: GREAT.

Outbursts of laughter around overloaded tables.

Good-natured teasing and bickering.

Stories of stark but happy childhood.

Bear hugs & kisses until you were gasping for breath.

And yes, food. LOTS and LOTS of food at every single gathering.

OH! THE! FOOD!

Not a bad way to grow up. Not at all.

By now, you all know I'm hopelessly sentimental when it comes to matters of family and legacy. Uncle Johnny's passing has provoked a myriad of memories all rife with emotion today. Anchoring all of those feelings is an overwhelming gratitude, I'm so incredibly grateful for the great big tapestry that both sets of my grandparents' generation wove for me and my generation.

This tapestry has been many things

for many people in our family.

A work of art, giving testament to the family's status and standing in society. A witness, if you will, of that which they have achieved together.

A rich backdrop, giving color, depth, and texture to our collective coming story as new immigrants to this country. Bringing their history to their present.

A thick and stable rug to stand upon, when building a life together. A plush but firm "take your stance" kind of setting point.

A soft landing place, a net of sorts that was wide and secure into which they could fall when hard times rocked them off their feet.

A warm wrap into which they could burrow when life felt cold and brutal.

Today, we mostly think of intricate tapestries as works of art to be hung on a wall. But a true family-woven tapestry wasn't always meant to be just gazed at and admired. Admittedly, we aren't as familiar with the many uses that a hand-woven, artfully crafted tapestry can have in today's world. We don't need one piece to do all those things anymore. We have Wayf@ir for rugs and T@rget for sweaters, right? But if you look back in history, family tapestries had many functions beyond their artisan beauty.

It strikes me that my family tapestry has both beauty and function that is sadly becoming more and more rare in this culture in which we live. I'm proud to declare that I will stay anchored to both families who wove this tapestry before me. I will continue to teach my children well in the art of weaving their rows to grow it strong and beautiful for generations to come.

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Uncle Johnny, say hi to Grandpa Sam for me. Enjoy your reunion and your time to worship Jesus to the strains of heavenly Italian opera with him. You are missed here. All of you.

DIY {Card Catalog Upcycle}

At the end of August, I was out walking in our neighborhood with LadyBug and came across this gem sitting at the end of a drive-way, waiting for the trash service to come by. I hustled back to the house and asked The Boss to heft it home. I had a PLAN!

That afternoon, I posted a picture on my F@ceb00k wall and started a guessing game with my friends to see who might be able to "see" what it could become like I was seeing it in my head.  I guess I drove a couple friends crazy - I even got some private messages IMPLORING me to spill the beans to them! What fun my friends are!!!

The Boss had some sanding and glue-ing to do, as the laminate on the top and back were a little water-damaged. But in short order, he finished that step and turned it over to Baby BlueEyes to remove all the hardware and clean out the drawers. Like how he saved the tedious part for the kid?! Ha!!!

We had some dark primer in the basement. There was some skepticism about whether it was still good because we are pretty sure it was from painting our kitchen beadboard, back in 2010. It went on smoothly enough so I think we're good. All those little drawers standing up with their new primer remind me of little soldiers for some reason.

After The Boss did a TON of reading about creating a faux vintage look, he started by painting a base coat of the milk-chocolatey brown that we used in our dining room back in 2009.  Are you sensing the theme here? Yup. Upcycling on the cheap, using what we have on hand as much as possible. That's the goal!

The next coat was a thinned-out glaze of black with plenty of brush-strokes left to create a washed, worn kind of finish. This part is always hard for The Boss. He's such a perfectionist and the uneven, randomness of this look really stresses him out. NOT enough to hand the paintbrush over to me, but enough to make him doubt himself and second-guess my vision (that he already, admittedly, struggles to see the way I see it). 

I am, oddly, NOT a perfectionist in these kinds of projects. I have a general ballpark in which I want the look to fall but if it's close, it's okay with me. I like the lack of symmetry and the quirks of hand-finished work. It is definitely NOT how I operate in most other areas of my life. Which might add to his stress, now that I think about it. 

Once a couple coats of a polyurethane were applied to seal and protect it from the wear and tear of all our big and little Gang members, it was ready for some after-market add-ons. The Boss spent almost an hour at L0we's the other day, texting pics of various leg styles and lengths to me. We settled on these and he spent his day off (from his part-time job at T@rg3t) finishing the legs to match the cabinet. Pretty impressive work, if you ask me!

He brought it in to the house and added the legs while Mei Mei looked on. Her first response when she saw it standing up was, "Oooooh, WOW!" My thoughts exactly, sweet girl! Look at how perfectly those legs blend in color, shape and size! And being the detail-nerd that I am, I'm also excited about how closely the knobs of the table match the turn-work on the legs. I know, NO ONE would notice that. But I do. And I love it!

What's even more perfect than the spot-on match is that the legs and the hardware to attach them are THE ONLY expenses we incurred to finish this project. I love me some cheap upcycling!!!!

The Boss and Mei Mei sat down and put all the brass hardware back into each drawer. And re-tacked each card-plate in the original holes. Well, to be more accurate, Mei Mei cheered daddy on and sang songs from Frozen while Daddy worked the hardware. Heh. 

The excitement was growing - I started cleaning the spot I planned to put it. Oh, man. There was a lot of dust back there... I think someone needs a re-definition of the chore card labelled "Dust Downstairs." Harumph...

Finally, it is DONE and in its new home. I could NOT possibly love it more. Really. It's so much better than I pictured it. It's absolutely my new favorite piece in the whole house.

Good Bye Kitty

It's a super sad day for The Gang. Today, The Boss took our diva kitty girl, Maggie, to be put to sleep.

It's been a long hard road for her these last 10 months. She started having seizures back in September of last year. Each month they've gotten progressively more intense and more difficult from which to recover. Around January or so, she started losing control of her bladder with almost every seizure. And then in March or April, she started to have lingering temporary paralysis of her hindquarters after almost every one. By May we knew we were looking at having to make a pro-active decision about ending her life humanely. In addition to the sadness of the condition and the unsanitary nature of losing control of her faculties, we knew that the increase in frequency during day time hours likely meant she was having seizures at night and when we weren't around to witness them. That's no way for my girl to live.

This week, she had what seemed to be the "mother" of all seizures to date. It was terrifying for us all to watch. And we said, "enough."

But it made it NO easier to actually pack her up into her crate and send The Boss out the door to the local SPCA to carry out our joint decision. In fact, since Tuesday, she's been so "normal" and affectionate and interactive that we really were second-guessing ourselves right up until he walked out the door this morning.

Please indulge me while I take a look back at my diva kitty girl. She was a gift to our little growing family and tolerated the many changes of 17 years with grace. Such a tolerant kitty - two big moves, four additional kids, and countless bonnets, blankets, and stroller rides. She never understood that she was "too big" to be a lap cat and though she permanently stopped lounging in my lap shortly after I got pregnant with LadyBug, she was a regular on The Boss's lap every night after the gang headed off to bed. These last months, she couldn't always make it up to the couch but settled at our feet or on the low ottoman for some late night foot-warming. She will be missed.

 First days home, in June 1997, at only 8 weeks old.

Her favorite perch when "play time" with Shaggy and Dr. D

(almost 3 and 18 mos at the time)
got to be too much stimulation and she needed a kitty nap.

One of her favorite perches in this past year,

tucked away in a corner but still in the middle

of The Gang's activity.

A tearful good-bye for this momma.

Beautiful girl, you will be missed.

April 26, 1997 - July 11, 2014

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I can't believe this is what jumpstarted my blogging brain again. But at least SOMETHING has. Man, the drought of coherent thought around here has been a drag. Stay tuned, I have some catching up to do in this "family scrap book" of mine and some give-aways coming up soon, too.

When Christmas Shopping at the Mall

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
the $6 shelled out for a Minnie Mouse camera

at our very first-ever visit to the Disney store is absolutely money well-spent!

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
it was kinda amazing that I didn't even BLINK at the idea

of shelling out that $6. Not even once.

I have SERIOUSLY softened with age.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
in order to get anything done on your gargantuan To Do List,
it is vital to have a plan of attack.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
with a feisty two-year old, it is vital
to expect to have that plan shot to you-know-where.
In a matter of minutes.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
it is necessary to have a kind answer
to the inquiries of well-meaning strangers:
"Yes, dear grandmother, I do have my hands full with THIS one.

As I do with all of 5 of her siblings.
Put all 6 of them together and I am happily and insanely overwhelmed."

*sigh*

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
a very petite Chinese girl strutting through the mall

with her hands shoved into the pockets of her purple cargos

is quite possibly the CUTEST! SIGHT! EVER!

(This was validated by the many passers-by who voiced this over and over.)

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
watching that little one dancing to the Christmas music
WITH her hands shoved in her pocket
while singing at the top of her lungs is HI.LARE.EEEE.USSSSS!

And again, I'm shocked at how I've softened with age.
I likely would have totally "sssshhushed" my other kids when I was a younger mom.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
and contrary to popular belief (and by popular, I might just mean mine)

Chik-Fil-A waffle fries do NOT make every thing better
for a hungry, almost-tired two-year old.
Worked pretty good for me though.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
being unsnapped from one's stroller and allowed to walk

with her hands in her pockets again, DOES, apparently, make it all better.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
someone should remind the "mall Santa" to look up to the upper level

above his big fancy Santa couch, to say hello to his constituents.

As opposed to looking up, startled by the raucous shouts of "HI! HI! HI!"

from a certain little curious constituent.

Heh.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
raucous shouts of "HI! HI! HI!" echo quite nicely to the ear

of said little constituent.

Which makes her repeat it. Again. And again. And again.

Through. The. Whole. Mall.

Double Heh.

When Christmas shopping at the mall,
a tired two-year old being forced to "snap back in" to her stroller
for transport out to the car is unpleasant for all to see. And hear.

When Christmas shopping at the mall is all done,
an OVER tired two-year old who drops her dolly
in the car 7 minutes from home has the magical ability
to make that 7 minutes stretch into 77 minutes.

Finally, when Christmas shopping at the mall,
anything productive that you do accomplish from that aforementioned
gargantuan To Do List must be treated as a BIG! HUGE! EXTRA! BONUS!
to the fact that you made it there and back
without losing a shoe, a water cup,
a dolly, a hair bow, or your sanity.

And THAT, my momma friends, deserves a celebration.
Or, if you are old like me, a nap.

Managing the Seasonal Wardrobe Project

I'm so excited that fall is finally here. The smell of pumpkin spice coffee is on the breezes flowing through our house this week, soothing the clutter and mess that changing out the seasonal clothing always ruffles up. It's a several-days process here, what with 6 kids and all. Because of that, I (long ago!) streamlined the job to a twice a year change-out.  We lump Spring/Summer together and Fall/Winter are paired. It means waiting a tad longer into the start of the school year for "new clothes" but with our early years of home-schooling, I never developed the "school shopping" habit of late summer anyway. With this system, I'm only buying clothing as it is needed, and not in one fell swoop unless there's a special occasion like a wedding or such. That change of focus has saved us a ton of money over the years. (aaaand, BONUS! I get to pitch all the "Back to School" flyers that flood the mailbox beginning in mid-July!)

This year, I'm enjoying the fact that at least 2 of the 6 kids are quite capable of pulling out all their summer gear, trying on the prospective fall clothing and making up a list of their "needs" for me without too much coaxing and prodding. Two of them need me to pretty much do the whole project FOR them. And the other 2 tend to wear the same "uniform" of shorts, jeans, and tees all year around. Which in and of itself presents a whole 'nuther project that I'm putting off till, well, when I have to face their closets in search of something for family photos.

Even saying that, "...family photos" is enough to make me cringe... anyone else get that? Coordinating dates for 8 of us plus one photographer friend. Coordinating clothing so that we at least look like we INTENDED to be photographed together. Coordinating the clothing so that we don't clash and maybe even, well, coordinate. OY. Sigh.

Oh, wait. Where was I? Fall clothes. Oh yeah.  I know I'm not the only momma who dreads this project. And I've had enough younger mommas ask how I manage it without breaking the bank each year that I figured it would be blog-worthy. So I'm posting these pics from our fall clothing project and sharing some organizing tips that I've picked up along the way of managing this task for my gang. AND I'm hoping to hold myself a little accountable to get it done and cleared off my To Do list by the end of the week. Anyone with me on that one?!

 There are pockets of the unfinished project all over

the house, upstairs and downstairs.

Normally, this stresses me out. But this year,

I'm drinking my Pumpkin Spice coffee and breathing through it.

Each kid has a Fall/Winter bin in their size, and a Spring/Summer bin. When the weather turns cooler, I have them haul their two bins up from storage and begin the process of weeding out the summer pieces. Generally speaking, we make three piles: return to storage, discard, and donate. In Baby BlueEyes' case, anything that is too small (or will be too small by next summer), immediately goes either to discard or donate. He's our last boy-o and there's no need to return things to storage for him. (YAY!) For the girls and the bigger boys, the "return to storage" pile can only be things that they KNOW they can wear again next year OR things that they know will not go out of "style" by the time the younger sibs get to them. I'm always excited when my "discard" and "donate" piles are big enough to fill a garbage bag or two. Truthfully, if I could pare things down to just one bin per size, holding both seasons of clothing alternately, I would. But these darned kids keep growing and those bigger clothes just don't work that way.

Having a well organized and labeled system for our clothing storage has been a lifesaver for me. I used to store them in whatever plastic bags and/or cardboard boxes that I could salvage but that got messy and pricey, too. Investing in these heavy plastic totes has really allowed us to protect the majority of stored clothing from dry rot, moisture damage, and other environmental issues.Therefore, we're saving money. And I'm all about THAT! Living in three different homes with three different storage spaces, I learned that lesson the hard way one too many times.

At this house, the bins are all stacked and stored in the basement.

An occasional hurricane forces my hand to purge and sort more judiciously than

the twice-yearly projects require.

As you can imagine, as Mei Mei is outgrowing her clothing (yay, she's gained about 4.5 lbs since April!), I'm trying to be pretty quick about passing it on and moving it out. It's a great feeling and I'm surprised at myself - I'm not even feeling sentimental about clearing things out. In fact, by the end of this week, I hope to have nothing smaller than 18 month clothing left in the bins and I'm excited by that!

When the summer clothes are sorted and stored or bagged up and the fall clothing is put away in drawers and closets, I have each kid give me a list of the "needs" and the "wants" they have for rounding out their wardrobes. Again, as they have gotten older the lists are easier to generate and in the boys' case, these lists are shorter and more streamlined. As you can imagine, my fashionista LadyBug has quite a few editions of her list before she hands me her "final copy." I have her help me plan out the list for the little girls, too. It's a great way to help LB think strategically at something she loves. Shhhhh, don't tell her but her artsy self has a hard time with planning and plotting so it's a sneaky way of teaching her some good life skills. She also helps me pare down the wardrobes for the little sisters by pulling out duplicates or past trends that I don't "see" and that "horrify" her. Heh!

I run through my clothing with the same system and check in with The Boss for his needs at this point, too. Then each person's list gets transferred to an index card that I store in my handy dandy envelope system. When I'm out running errands or I see a bargain on my online yard sale sites, I can reference the lists quickly and easily AND have an up-to-the-moment idea of how the clothing cash is holding up. I pretty much take the envelopes with me everywhere I go, especially now that it's just me and Mei Mei all day long. It's so much easier to shop and run errands with just one little sweetie and NO half-day kindergarten routine to work around.

When the needs and even some of the wants on a card are taken care of, I toss it and usually by November I am done rounding out the kids' fall/winter wardrobes. I love it when it happens earlier but it's been a while since I finished before Thanksgiving, between budget constraints and regular crazy-life pace, so I try not to stress and I DON'T give in to the temptation to just do it all and pay the budget back later. A little prioritizing, a little layering, and a lot of patience goes a long way. For all of us!

There you have it. Managing the seasonal wardrobes for 6 kids and 2 adults. It's not nearly as daunting as it sounds and with all the much-appreciated hand-me-downs that the kids recive from friends and family, it's actually kind of festive for the few days it takes to wrap it all up. Well, festive for the girls anyway! To the boys, it's just a project to be endured. And for Momma? It's a chance to clear out, clean up, and re-organize the rooms (including my own!) that got neglected a bit during our lazy hazy days of summer. That alone is reason enough to make me take a big gulp of that Pumpkin Spice goodness and breathe deeply of the fresh crisp air!

How about you? What tips and tricks have you discovered along the way for this big project? 

"Too Many Words"

"Too many words, Li'l Empress. Too many words."

It's an oft-repeated phrase here, particularly in the early morning hours before I've had my coffee. Before my eyes are fully opened and certainly before my brain has caught up to the fact that my body is vertical now. Really the only true morning person in our house, even The Boss has been heard shushing her with this quick reminder to go easy on the rest of The Gang.

Most days, she wakes happy and chatty. Very chatty. From the very moment her eyes flutter open. Chattering to herself quietly in her bed. Singing quietly into her pillow before her feet hit the floor. Thankfully, it's mostly all quiet enough not to disturb Mei Mei. Who does NOT wake quite so talkative. Happy, yes. But quiet. Blissfully quiet and snuggly. But once Li'l E comes down those stairs, it just doesn't stop.

We have to tell her, "too many words, Li'l Empress. Too many words."

When I'm well-caffeinated, awake, and it's a decent hour of the day, I can totally relate to my girl's verbosity. I'm known in my family for being the wordy one. I love words. I love learning and using new ones. I love talking with friends, sharing my thoughts, listening to what's going on in their minds, asking questions about their lives. I enjoy sharing a good story. I get really excited about cheering folks on with my words. I like spirited discussions about lots of topics. I am a verbally expressive person. I love using words to tell folks how I feel about them.

(I don't, however, love repeating the same words

over and over to my children. Ad nauseum.

Can I get an "Amen" from the momma crowd?!)

A while ago, The Boss (semi-jokingly, semi-lovingly) told me that my frustration over a particular conversation, in which I was trying to verbally support that person, likely was because I use "way more words than necessary" to get across my point. That it could have (and in his view maybe should have?) been said far more succinctly (my word, not his!). While I don't disagree with him at all, AND while I know he was sincerely trying to help me see another viewpoint in a loving way, it stung a little. Probably because in this instance, I was attempting to offer my words as a sort of gift. I know now that the gift was not so fitting for the recipient. Although I truly didn't know it so definitively previously and that's why I appreciate The Boss's insight. I've been examining my response to the situation and to his observations for a while now.

I do try to make my words count when speaking with people. I try not to vainly flatter or falsely build them up. I desire my words to be an encouragement. That is likely the reason his summary stung a little. Words aren't the "thing" that this recipient responds to, apparently, and thus my words fell flat. I felt like the gift I had offered was politely accepted as if it was a garish purple and orange sparkly scarf given by that crazy old aunt who shops in her ancient closet for birthday presents. My gift was dismissed.

In examining my feelings about the experience, I've been wondering now. Do I do that to the ones I love? Do I take their gifts and dismiss them without realizing the treasure they represent to the one who gave them? The simple offerings that my gang shares with me come in a variety of sizes, shapes, and colors. Not always words, but often that is how it starts. My gang members all know their way around the words. To varying degrees, they are all well-spoken, conversational, and sometimes down-right chatty. Do I take what they are offering, in the form in which they are offering it, and see it as the gift they are extending? The invitation into their world they are issuing?

Dandelions from the yard clutched in muddy, grubby fingers.

Stories of junior high drama and angst in uncertain voices.

Slightly strange, sometimes bordering on inappropriate, memes gleaned from friends.

"Knock, knock" jokes that really NO ONE understands.

The 999'th "hold me" with reaching arms and clutching fingers.

The random "Hey Mom, listen to this" kind of songs that I don't quite "get."

Sadly, in this recent examination, I'm discovering that it's an area of parenting that I really need to work on with the Lord's help. I need to be more mindful of what is behind what they are saying. They often are attempting to form connection between us and in response, I must throw open my heart more freely and receive those attempts as such. I'm certain that in receiving more openly what my gang is offering, I am creating more safety and security. I am shaping a foundation of love and confidence. I really need the Lord's help in this - to move from examining it into implementing it.

I do think, though, that it is fair to reserve the right to gently tell her "Too many words, Li'l Empress. Too many words." At O'dark Thirty. When the barrage hits me before my big ole Tigger mug full of sugar-free hazelnut creamer-flavored coffee. Right? Right?

What's a Girl to Do?

It's likely because of the cold weather and biting winds we've had lately but this momma has been CUH.RAY.VING. some good old fashioned comfort food. In particular, as I was compiling my grocery list Tuesday night, I was craving a heaping dish of The Pioneer Woman's Chicken Spaghetti. But my frugal side could not bring myself to actually fork over the money at my nearby grocery store for such recipe specific ingredients when I wasn't at my normal "discount" store. It was meant to be a quick run out for just the immediate needs. But the craving would not go away.

**Side note - I've let this month's meal planning and regular grocery shopping slide far too long with the crazy grumpy weather we've had so it's my own darned fault, I know. I'm sorry. Moving on.**

When I got home from the quick run, I took stock of the pantry and left-overs to plan Wednesday's dinner

What's a girl to do when she has a big batch of left-over shredded BBQ Chicken and can't face eating one more sandwich from it?

What's a girl to do when she finds a huge R*bberm@id container of whole wheat spaghetti left from Monday night's family feast? (Shaggy has been gone since September and I'm still making spaghetti portions like his carb lovin' self is at the table every time! Oh well. He's coming home Saturday so why bother adjusting portion sizes now?!)

(Yes! I said Saturday! Shaggy is coming home on SATURDAY!!!!!! 

Yay, Yay, YAY!!!!!)

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. The spaghetti. Lots of left over spaghetti.

Here. Right there. See?

Well, the girl gets inspired and turns on the Phillip Phillip tunes while she creates her own knock-off of a yummy family favorite! Who knows? Maybe the girl is about to stumble upon a brand. spankin'. new. family favorite? Crazier things have happened 'round these parts. Here's how it went down. In case you want to try such craziness in your own kitchen!

I warmed both containers up slightly, to loosen them up and make them easier to mix. Please. DON'T forget to cut up the spaghetti in smaller pieces once it's warmed... it'll be a lot easier to blend in with the other ingredients. NOT that that ever happened here. Heh. I'm just sharin' the benefit of my mistakes, er, wisdom.

I put all the meat and long stringy spaghetti in my largest mixing bowl and started adding the yumminess.

For my-sized crowd, I used about 2 cups of cheddar. 

If I'd had two cans of beans, I would have used both.

But one can, rinsed and drained well, went into the bowl.

Followed quickly by these little green bites of scrumptious,

drained lightly, of course.

It was a little thick and hard to mix thoroughly,

so I added a can of this. Low fat, low sodium.

Cuz that's how I roll with the cass-ah-rollz!

It looked like this while I was adding and mixing.

Poured it all into my trusty P@mpered Ch*f

9x13 deep baking dish.

Well-sprayed to avoid sticking and staining.

I slid it into the oven without covering it.

Voila! Dinner was done before 1:00 in the afternoon!

Do you use your timed cooking and delay start

options on your oven?

If you have them, you should use them.

I LOVE them. They have set me free from the madness

that is 3 p.m. - 6 p.m. 'round these parts.

Homework, lessons, chore charts, meltdowns, you know what I mean.

Back when the older kids were really little,

my mentor-mom-friend called them the "witching hours."

Cuz if a momma isn't careful, 

she can get pretty witchy-like.

Yeah. You know what I'm talkin' about!

Anyhoo..... back to our story.

As the madness subsided, I had Li'l Empress and Baby BlueEyes set the table.

LadyBug made the salad and all the fixin's for it.

All that was left was the eatin'. Mmmm, the eatin'.

Oh. Wait. Can't forget that once it cooked all it's yummy goodness

together for about 45 minutes, I added a little bit more of this on the top.

I cooked it for another 10 minutes or so

till it got to this stage of melty, ooey-goodness.

You can see, we almost forgot to snap a picture before digging in!

YUM!

You're welcome.

I'm On A Mission, Part 2

I never intended for there to be such a length of time between posts about what God is doing in me through this adoption journey for our Mei Mei.... Life kinda got away from me for a couple days of unexpected happenings. Additionally, I've been struggling with how to put all this into words while still respecting and holding sacred my daughter's story. I've been profoundly affected by conversations like this one over the last few years and I know it's all been in preparations for this beautiful little one God is bringing us.

You see, her "need" is not apparent to the world, as is Li'l Empress's need. The nature of her need is one that we have chosen to only share with folks in person, in the context of relationship "in real life." That has come about both because of all that we've learned about respecting our children's life stories AND through the learning curve of understanding this particular child's need. It's been quite the journey in and of itself, but the balance is one we are still learning and processing, so I'd imagine that it will continue to unfold as we parent these two precious children who have come to us with such divergent history behind them.

But the story of the work God is performing in me as I prepare to parent Mei Mei is also one that continues to unfold while we wait. For those that have been following the details of the paperwork tangle on our way to Immigration approval, hang in there. An update is coming. In the meantime, I am excited (and if I'm being totally honest, a little apprehensive) to share this part of the "mission" I'm experiencing in this adventure to Mei Mei....

As I keyed in on the themes that kept emerging during the fall months, I found my "platform" from which to pray for our girl. Bear with me as I share this, as it's still "raw and uncut" and I'm still grappling with it for myself and NOT just in order to pray for her more effectively.

I mentioned late in January that the Lord had led me to this verse in my prayer time for Mei Mei:

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness!"

Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV~1984)

It's been an integral part of the process - understanding and grappling with a new understanding of HIS love for us. For me. For Mei Mei. As my understanding of Mei Mei's difficult beginnings, her current environment and the status of her needs have emerged, I have been struck over and over by a three main thoughts, none of them new to me but somehow so completely new, stark, and painful at the same time:

This child has already, in only 19 months,

experienced the most profound rejections

that a human can experience.

(I still have the hardest time writing that out. It pains me greatly when I dwell on it. Harder still speaking it and accepting it as her current reality. And it's been months of unfolding and processing....)

It is our job, from the moment we accepted her referral,

until we draw our final breath, to point her

to unconditional and everlasting Love.

In our words. In our actions. In our parenting style.

In our prayers over her and for her.

It is our calling. MY calling. My mission.

Finally, I am completely ill-equipped to parent this child.

Really, to parent any of them, if I'm being real.

But that's been the greatest thing about the unfolding of this journey. It's okay that I am ill-equipped. HE is perfectly equipped. HE is the best parent and HE knows exactly what she needs from her parents. HE chose US to parent her. HE planned this path for her and we get to be the ones that walk with her out of the ashes of pain and rejection and abandonment. Because HE chose us.

I don't have to be well-equipped to parent my little Mei Mei.

I just have to let HIM parent her through me.

There's a huge difference between the two ways of parenting.

Heh. "Just."  Yeah, that's the hard part. Isn't it?

But as I've mulled over and over the process through which He is bringing me, I've had to first let HIS acceptance of me wash over my heart. I've had to give myself over (and over and over and over) to HIS view of me. So that I can properly have HIS view of my daughter and the gift that she is. It sounds bane and trite to say it. But given the combination of her needs, her beginning story, her current situation, and my own difficulties and struggles, I've had to press in and accept this cleansing. Let it equip me in a way that I haven't had to yet process with the other five gifts that call me Momma.

This season has been one of humbling and digging deeply into areas of my heart that I haven't really had to examine before, at least not in these ways. I've had to specifically PRAY over my countenance and my responses to my daughter-to-be.

I have begged God to work in me in such a way that when Mei Mei watches me caring for her and for her basic and medical needs she sees nothing but loving acceptance and unconditional care.

I have had to ask God to prepare me and prepare my heart for especially those early first moments of examining her sweet little body and cataloging the details of her need as we learn how to care for her. Again, medical "stuff" has traditionally not been my "forte" and those who know me best are learning just what a leap of faith this adoption has represented to me.

Trust me when I tell you, these have not been easy prayers to pray. It's been a process that both disgusts me for my own squeamishness and selfishness and yet empowers me to GROW! in spite of my irritation with myself.

Through it all, HE has been just as His Word says He is:  He is merciful. Every single morning, in new and amazing ways. He is unchanging. Every single day. He is uncompromising in His love for me. His patience and compassion toward me. That verse has not just been for my girl. Obviously. And He has proven it over and over. Through the conversations and experiences of the recent months in which I've been seeking Him.

And through all the worship ministry that He's brought my way in this season.... That part of the story is coming to you soon. Worship and music has always been part of how the Lord speaks to me (as I'm sure He does with you also) and I'm excited about the "playlist" He has been compiling in this journey to growing me up and preparing me for this mission to which He has called me.

Stand Firm

We had really hoped to have

significant news of movement in our journey to Mei Mei

to share with you all by Christmas Day.

To have an official

Letter Of Approval

of our intent to adopt our Mei Mei

in hand, "signed, sealed and delivered"

as our very best Christmas gift this year.

To finally be able to show her sweet face to you all,

to captivate you as she's captivated us.

But that wasn't how it all played out.

After weeks of glitches and delays,

after weeks of watching the trends

and seeing the "ranges of normal expectations" 

quickly come and then just as quickly go,

we still have "no new news."

Being "outside" the ranges of normal trending

is an uncomfortable place to be

when you know where your girl is

and what her daily life,

what her daily struggle to thrive in the midst of her environment

is likely to be like.

So last Friday, our Social Worker and I agreed

that a stronger intervention was required.

Inquiries coming from someone with bigger clout are in order.

But the office closures for Christmas created yet another delay

in even getting that influential advocacy for our process to happen.

So I am trying to wait patiently.

To trust quietly and steadfastly.

It's not easy.

My heart is raw.

My spirit feels weak and weary.

My momma's heart is working overtime

praying for my girl:

for health, for protection over her spirit and her mind.

For God's plans for her life to be accomplished

regardless of what the enemy might do to thwart those plans.

All while praying for and missing Shaggy.

Praying for my boy:

for health, for protection over his spirit and his mind.

For God's plans to be accomplished in him and through him

while he is off on his God Adventure.

This first Christmas season apart

has not been easy on any of us.

Lamentations 3:21-27

has been a refrain on my heart for many days now.

"Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young."

As my sister shared as an encouragement

with me on Christmas Eve,

I've been holding on to this:

Proverbs 13:12
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

and standing, albeit on wobbly legs on this:

I Corinthians 15:58

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm.

Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord,

because you know that your labor

in the Lord is not in vain."

Don't Squash That Little Nudge

For the last two days, I've really struggled with the wait for our Letter Of Approval.

I mean, I've been bothered by the length of our wait for a while now but I haven't really paid it much mind until last week. Last week, somehow, I had fully convinced myself that our LOA was coming. I knew our agency had a "package on the way" and that we were "due." Over-due if one looks at the current trends on the charts. Which, I was doing. More than I really wanted to and certainly more than I had during waits between milestones previous to this wait for LOA. The last update we had gotten was that we were "in review" and that the next step would be the dispersal of our LOA. PLUS, last week, I was processing the imminent departure of Shaggy to Thailand. And the thoughts of celebrating Christmas without our boy were really hitting home. I think my melt-downs into puddles every couple hours on Thursday and Friday were some kind of internal release valve letting off the steam of it all.

But this struggle, these last two days, has been very different. It was more of a niggling doubt that everything was proceeding normally. An occasional twinge of "something isn't quite right" and not really knowing what to do with it. Frankly, I didn't do well with it. FRANKLY, I've been a bit like a bear with a thorn in her paw for the last two days. (I've made reparations to my family already. They love me and graciously forgive me. I'm so blessed!)

The gals in my DTC group (DTc means "Dossier to China:" this group is a bunch of comrades-in-arms who all sent their dossiers to China in the same season that we did, banded together for information and support) have been looking at our charts, too. A couple of us who are waiting had a chat or two over the last two days about the trends and it seemed apparent to us all that something indeed was not quite right. But I have tried so hard NOT to be a "day counter" or a "chart obsessor" and to trust the process. In doing so, I completely squashed that little nudge I thought I might be sensing. I pushed aside my niggling doubts and occasional twinges. Thus the "release" valve I mentioned. Sigh. One of these days, I will learn. I will!

Last night, I went to bed and fell asleep praying for Shaggy. Early this morning (as in 3:22 a.m. which would have been 4:22 p.m. Beijing time, IF I've calculated correctly. That's regular work-day hours there.) I woke again, praying for Shaggy. As I prayed, I had a sense that I needed to be praying for our LOA. For our dossier. And of course, for Brynna. So I did. I slept quite fitfully for the next couple hours until I finally just got up and started my day.

After I made a cup of coffee and got Li'l Empress settled with her cereal, I jotted off the following note to our sweet Social Worker:

"So, we are on day 75 of our wait from PA (157 from LID).... it's now inching up to the "longer" end of the wait from the DTC group I'm a part of. And when considering that our LOI went in with the request for expedite, we're wondering what's going on. Is there any chance, if you don't get a package today, that you can investigate this for us? I've just seen too many fellow-DTC'ers moving on from LOA even tho their numbers were trending like ours. When it starts to get too "out of the trend" is when these gals start seeing problems or delays with their files. We want to be sure it's not the case with ours."

To which I got an immediate response. This is how I summarized it to our families and some friends this morning, in a request for prayer:

Seems that our trusty SW was already feeling some concern. She had contacted her "on the ground" gal in Beijing on our behalf yesterday. (She was further tipped off when LHAA got a pkg yesterday of documents including one LOA for a family on the EXACT SAME TIMELINE as us.)  Here's what they think is happening: After the Eligibility Review #1 (also called Dept. 1 - which was our last up-date), it looks as  if our dossier was MIS-FILED  into the "Standard Program" (The Non-special needs program... which is currently running on a 6 year wait. Ummm, yeah. RUH ROH!).

If this had NOT been caught this week, we'd likely be waiting indefinitely. When our "on the ground" gal inquired, she was told that the only employee who can rectify that mis-filing is the one who is assigned to our file and that employee is out for the day. So she is going back tonight (our time) to follow up and get it moving.

Our sweet SW is NOTHING if not "ON IT" for our family. When she emailed me back, she had JUST finished getting the scoop from her Beijing gal. JUST! I have spent most of today feeling so humbled and blessed. Really. I mean, I could be feeling totally disgruntled and stressed or even angry at the glitch in the process. Indeed, I was ALL of that last week. And again for the previous two days. But now that we know what we're facing, I am instead feeling so awed that God gave us such a gift in this lovely Social Worker. I'm amazed that He was trying to speak to me all along, nudging me to listen to my gut and trust my instinct that something wasn't right. By the fact that He has given me this fierce momma's heart for my girl before I even know her. And finally by how I know He is going to work on our behalf.

We are expecting an answer of some kind tomorrow. Of course, the best possible answer would be our LOA is in the mail WITH the medical expedite being honored forthwith. But I have to be honest, I'm feeling pretty good about whatever answer we get tomorrow. He is always faithful to move on our behalf, in all the seasons and events of our lives. He's even faithful when I'm trying to squash that little nudge!

ELMO Has Left The Building

Noooo, I'm not referring to the recent disgusting scandal associated with the furry red guy. That's just really coincidental and certainly very bad timing for this story.... In fact, maybe when you read this story, you'll have a far more pleasant association to imprint in your brain. And more importantly, in your heart! Settle in, it's a bit long this time, but I hope you are encouraged and find it worth your time.

Several weeks ago, when I started promoting our Holiday Open House, I added the pretty red invitation as a picture into my Purchase With a Purpose yard-sale album on F@cebook. My thought was to allow folks from my different blogging and on-line communities to access the details since that album is set to "Public." I then shared that particular picture in several of my on-line groups.

The next day, a member of the Creating a Family forum contacted me. I didn't know her personally but had had several pleasant interactions with her on this forum and she usually posted very hope-filled, encouraging things to folks in the discussions in which we mutually participated. But that's all I knew of her.

Turns out, in her note, she indicated that she wanted to "invest" in our adoption journey but didn't need or want to buy any of the items being sold at the Open House. She wondered if I'd be okay with sending her my address so that she could send me a monetary gift directly. Before I even could respond to that with a yay or nay, she popped another message right back into my inbox and said something like, "Never mind, I want to buy that ELMO TMX toy for $100.You can send it to this address and I'll send you the check when I get the toy." Apparently, she'd been paging through the whole on-line yard sale album and found the furry little guy. She was convinced he'd be perfect for a little friend of hers, so I packaged him up and sent him off the next morning.

Frankly, that morning I made a conscious choice to keep my expectations of this transaction really low. It was certainly nothing personal to her or her promise, but I know how life gets and I know that sometimes things don't work out the way we think they will. So when I sent Elmo out the door and on his way in his snug little box, I did so with a prayer and a release. I was determined to be okay with whatever came of this interaction with this virtual stranger.

Cut to this past weekend. I hopped on the forum to check up on any new news. I was heart-broken to read that this same gal had recently experienced a very difficult situation in her own quest to build her family. I had no words, beyond a simple apology and prayer for comfort. I prayed for her right then and there while I was logging out. I moved on to preparing for our Holiday Open House and frankly forgot all about Elmo or the stranger for the time being.

Tuesday afternoon, I opened the mail to find a check from this virtual stranger. Only, it wasn't for $100.

No. Friends, instead, God showed up in a Holy SWOOP of love and generosity.

The check was for $200.

Ya'll.

You did not read that wrong. This total stranger, who loves adoption and loves God, sent our family TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

That, my friends, is GOD.

I mean, who else would tell a total stranger to send TWO STINKIN' HUNDRED DOLLARS for a furry, red, crazy noisy toy to another total stranger?? And a SECOND-HAND toy to boot!

Certainly NOT anyone I know. Or rather, any human I know. It reminds me of the verse in I Corinthians:

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." I Corinthians 1:27

I can't think of much that is more foolish than a crazy, slightly freaky Elmo TMX. And I am totally okay with being "shamed" by my very low expectations of the transaction. Cuz it ended up show-casing a kind of glory and love that few of us really fully know without events such as this happening to get our attention.

That, my friends, is God. And only God.

You see, the other piece to this amazing crazy story is that just Tuesday morning, I was sharing with a friend that God had been showing me how important it is for me to keep my focus on Him. To keep my heart and mind pure of negativity; to flee from vain imaginations that only become distractions to the purposes to which He has called me. To rise above the "human" element of things like our adoption journey and parenting, and keep my eyes trained on HIM and His heart for my family. I had been at our denomination's annual women's retreat on Friday and Saturday. While the event was amazing and refreshing and re-charging in many, many ways, the big take-away that I had was that I was coming into that retreat "battle weary." And that I was there to be reminded just how INTENTIONALLY He pursues me. How DETAILED and EXPLICIT He is in His desire for ME and for relationship with ME. It was like I got a re-charge of "He Loves Me" down to my tippy toes. I was sharing that with my sweet friend on that same morning, as we encouraged each other by phone on this long journey to our little ones.

And then in the afternoon, this check arrived in the mailbox. A gift from a stranger. But make no mistake about it. That gift was from God. And as long as I have breath in my body, I will give HIM the glory and honor and credit for reminding me of His love in such a sweet, and tangible way. I am incredibly grateful to this stranger who listened to His voice and obeyed, even in the midst of her own painful circumstances. It is humbling in all the best possible ways.

Only God knew when Elmo left the building just what his trip across the country would come to mean for this momma.

Surprise...

The other day, I picked Li'l Empress up from Kindergarten and headed over to the church offices to take care of cutting the cards for our Chore Chart. On the secretary's desk there is a little candy bowl, always filled with tempting little packages of sweet minty yumminess. I'm convinced that it is the primary reason any of my gang ever willingly joins me when I head to the office to do work of any kind.

Anyway, as is her custom, Li'l Empress waited oh, about 45 seconds before asking (ever so politely and expectantly) if she could please have a mint. This time, I said "not now, maybe later." I went on to explain that it would be so nice if once in while she DIDN'T ask, but instead thought about waiting for ME to ask HER. Maybe if she would wait once in a while, I would get the pleasure of surprising her or blessing her with OFFERING it to her before she made it known that she wanted it. (Heh. AS IF I ever ever ever wonder if she wants one!). She nodded quickly and gave me a face. But as I had laid the ground rules down earlier about how to behave while Uncle Paul and the others were working, she quietly (and wisely) gave me one last look and turned around to play with the stash of toys.

So, on Friday, we were back at the office to print and fold and stuff the weekly bulletin. I settled her on the floor with her little snacky lunch, the toys and her chocolate milk. I could see her eyeing the candy bowl but just pretended I was too busy with my own tasks to notice. After her lunch was about 3/4 of the way to being done, she became a little more obvious. Looking longer. Getting up to walk over and peer into the dish close up. Really studying it. I was having a hard time keeping my composure.

After she finished, she cleaned up her lunch stuff and started playing on the floor. I was folding and stuffing the bulletin by now and she knew we were going to be leaving soon....

"Ummm, Mommy, ummmm, Mommy?"

"Yes, Li'l Empress?"

"Ummmm, Mommy?"  and she pointed emphatically in the general direction of the candy dish. Silently.

"What, Li'l Empress? Did you need something?"

"Ummmm, Mommy? Ummm, I'm not going to ask you for a ...." pointing even more emphatically, to the point of lifting off her little hiney and stretching her whole body into the point.

"What? What aren't you going to ask me for?" I asked oh, so innocently. Heh.

"I'm not going to ask you for a mint," she shook her head very solemnly.

"Oh, good, Li'l Empress. Thank you for remembering our talk the other day and obeying me about the mints."

"Yeah. I 'membered. And I'm going to wait for you to suhprize me. 'K? You are gonna suhprize me, right?"

Sigh. "Yes, Li'l Empress. Would you like a mint now that we are ready to leave?"

"YEAH! SURE! THANKS! I SO EXCITED! I GOT A MINT! YAY! I GOT A MINT!"

Sigh. ...Surprise...