Shortly after we accepted Mei Mei's referral, I started sensing the Lord had something quite missional for me in this journey to our girl. Given how I was starting to freak out a little about caring for her need and what I was learning about the medical side of it all, I assumed that it was going to be about growing me up and giving me courage over my fear of "medical" issues. Particularly medical issues that pertain to my kids. See, I've not shared this with a ton of folks but I have long struggled with at times a gripping fear that one of my kids would be victim to a horrible, even fatal, accident. Or diagnosed with a life-threatening illness that would change our whole life forever. While I understand that every parent deals with this to some degree, I also know that my fear is truly an enemy that Satan wishes to wield against me to cripple me and make me parent from a position of fear. So I have chosen over the years to "take captive every thought" and keep my eyes on the ONE who created them and loves them even more than I could imagine. It sounds lofty and holy to say it that way. But it's not. It's gritty and hard. And requires a kind of relinquishing of the facade that I have any control over my children's lives. It's not easy, but it requires me to choose a posture of prayer. Which is actually a great thing when I am choosing well.
As I pressed in and prayed about it more, several things started happening. First, I kept hearing several songs over and over. I mean, not hearing them in the background of my life, but HEARING them. Feeling their essence and their message expand my heart. Gripping me and charging me up with a passion for my daughter. I sensed that the themes underlying these songs was the key to what the Lord had for me.
Second, a friend from church came to me and told me that the Lord had given her a specific urging to pray for the angelic ministry of HOPE over our daughter. That we commission angels to hover over Mei Mei and fill her with hope that her family is coming, that she is loved, that she has a purpose. Another friend later said something about her own daughter that gelled with that perfectly, to the effect that (our waiting children) don't know that they are longing for a family. Or a momma or a daddy. Most of them don't even know what that might be. But they do know that they are waiting for love. Taken together with the other things God was stirring in me, I knew that what He has for me in this adoption journey, and beyond, was going to be something bigger than my battle to keep fear at bay and be a prayer-focused momma.
Just before Thanksgiving, it all started really coming together. Not in any grand revelation, rather in a few snippets and prayer times here and there. Talking and sharing with a couple friends. Again, through hearing a couple songs in a new way. It crystallized as I listened to the exquisite details woven into the love story of Ruth and Boaz by author Liz Curtis Higgs at our denomination's annual Women's Retreat. (Seriously, if you EVER get a chance to hear her speak, RUN, don't walk to the line at the door. Her style, her knowledge of the CONTEXT and the CONTENT of The Word has changed the way I read my Bible. Really. Truly.) Finally, thanks to the worship led by Kim Walker Smith and her husband in that same weekend, I picked out a cd for myself and asked for another for Christmas. Both cd's have had significant roles in directing my prayers and clarifying what God has been speaking.
Stay tuned for the rest of the story..... and I'll even share the playlist that God has woven together of songs that lead me to prayer for Mei Mei.