Thursday, February 7, 2013

I'm On A Mission, Part 2

I never intended for there to be such a length of time between posts about what God is doing in me through this adoption journey for our Mei Mei.... Life kinda got away from me for a couple days of unexpected happenings. Additionally, I've been struggling with how to put all this into words while still respecting and holding sacred my daughter's story. I've been profoundly affected by conversations like this one over the last few years and I know it's all been in preparations for this beautiful little one God is bringing us.

You see, her "need" is not apparent to the world, as is Li'l Empress's need. The nature of her need is one that we have chosen to only share with folks in person, in the context of relationship "in real life." That has come about both because of all that we've learned about respecting our children's life stories AND through the learning curve of understanding this particular child's need. It's been quite the journey in and of itself, but the balance is one we are still learning and processing, so I'd imagine that it will continue to unfold as we parent these two precious children who have come to us with such divergent history behind them.

But the story of the work God is performing in me as I prepare to parent Mei Mei is also one that continues to unfold while we wait. For those that have been following the details of the paperwork tangle on our way to Immigration approval, hang in there. An update is coming. In the meantime, I am excited (and if I'm being totally honest, a little apprehensive) to share this part of the "mission" I'm experiencing in this adventure to Mei Mei....

As I keyed in on the themes that kept emerging during the fall months, I found my "platform" from which to pray for our girl. Bear with me as I share this, as it's still "raw and uncut" and I'm still grappling with it for myself and NOT just in order to pray for her more effectively.

I mentioned late in January that the Lord had led me to this verse in my prayer time for Mei Mei:


It's been an integral part of the process - understanding and grappling with a new understanding of HIS love for us. For me. For Mei Mei. As my understanding of Mei Mei's difficult beginnings, her current environment and the status of her needs have emerged, I have been struck over and over by a three main thoughts, none of them new to me but somehow so completely new, stark, and painful at the same time:

This child has already, in only 19 months,
experienced the most profound rejections
that a human can experience.

(I still have the hardest time writing that out. It pains me greatly when I dwell on it. Harder still speaking it and accepting it as her current reality. And it's been months of unfolding and processing....)

It is our job, from the moment we accepted her referral,
until we draw our final breath, to point her
to unconditional and everlasting Love.
In our words. In our actions. In our parenting style.
In our prayers over her and for her.
It is our calling. MY calling. My mission.

Finally, I am completely ill-equipped to parent this child.
Really, to parent any of them, if I'm being real.

But that's been the greatest thing about the unfolding of this journey. It's okay that I am ill-equipped. HE is perfectly equipped. HE is the best parent and HE knows exactly what she needs from her parents. HE chose US to parent her. HE planned this path for her and we get to be the ones that walk with her out of the ashes of pain and rejection and abandonment. Because HE chose us.

I don't have to be well-equipped to parent my little Mei Mei.
I just have to let HIM parent her through me.
There's a huge difference between the two ways of parenting.

Heh. "Just."  Yeah, that's the hard part. Isn't it?

But as I've mulled over and over the process through which He is bringing me, I've had to first let HIS acceptance of me wash over my heart. I've had to give myself over (and over and over and over) to HIS view of me. So that I can properly have HIS view of my daughter and the gift that she is. It sounds bane and trite to say it. But given the combination of her needs, her beginning story, her current situation, and my own difficulties and struggles, I've had to press in and accept this cleansing. Let it equip me in a way that I haven't had to yet process with the other five gifts that call me Momma.

This season has been one of humbling and digging deeply into areas of my heart that I haven't really had to examine before, at least not in these ways. I've had to specifically PRAY over my countenance and my responses to my daughter-to-be.

I have begged God to work in me in such a way that when Mei Mei watches me caring for her and for her basic and medical needs she sees nothing but loving acceptance and unconditional care.

I have had to ask God to prepare me and prepare my heart for especially those early first moments of examining her sweet little body and cataloging the details of her need as we learn how to care for her. Again, medical "stuff" has traditionally not been my "forte" and those who know me best are learning just what a leap of faith this adoption has represented to me.

Trust me when I tell you, these have not been easy prayers to pray. It's been a process that both disgusts me for my own squeamishness and selfishness and yet empowers me to GROW! in spite of my irritation with myself.

Through it all, HE has been just as His Word says He is:  He is merciful. Every single morning, in new and amazing ways. He is unchanging. Every single day. He is uncompromising in His love for me. His patience and compassion toward me. That verse has not just been for my girl. Obviously. And He has proven it over and over. Through the conversations and experiences of the recent months in which I've been seeking Him.

And through all the worship ministry that He's brought my way in this season.... That part of the story is coming to you soon. Worship and music has always been part of how the Lord speaks to me (as I'm sure He does with you also) and I'm excited about the "playlist" He has been compiling in this journey to growing me up and preparing me for this mission to which He has called me.

3 comments:

Amy said...

It sounds like you have listened to him. Really been open to his will and done your best to answer and follow. and That is awesome. Such a blessing.

I am struggling daily trying to figure out how to "Listen"

Matthew Lee said...

Hello, I have an adoption fundraising idea I'd like to share with you. Could you please email me at mlee@coupaide.com?

Thanks!

Matthew Lee

Aus said...

Morning GM - listen - as an "outsider" (for lack of a better word) trust me when I say you are "getting it" ok? You ARE hearing the message!

But now - if you are anything like me - your kids are hearing it so much that they aren't "hearing it" any more. I have learned from my youngers that I pray aloud sometimes - didn't even know I was doing it. Ya know - when you are worn out but you got one more thing you need to do for tomorrow - and you think "Lord, just give me a little more strength to finish"? Or when you are trying to get that piece cut "just right" and it's hard and you think "Joseph - a little guidance here would be a good thing - a little help please?"

Well I've been saying it out loud I come to find out. So much so that my kids didn't even hear what I was saying anymore - and then our 10 yo mentioned it to me - and seems surprised to learn that this too - is prayer! It was an "A ha" moment for her - God's smart like that!

Hang in there - you'll come to understand all the rest as the journey continues - you just don't "need" some of it right now! But mostly thanks for seeing His Hand - and living it!

hugs - aus and co.