I'm a pretty organized woman. Sure, I have junk drawers that need my attention. Yes, I have a never-ending pile of paperwork generated by my local elementary school. And my mailbox contributes to the creeping slide across my counter that the never-ending pile does on a semi-regular basis. But on the whole, I'm pretty organized. I'm very intentional in the manner by which I accomplish this in our home.
Over the years, I've found that consistent attention to the smaller, daily details of keeping things in their place is my best tool in the war against clutter. You know, "a place for everything, and everything in its place," kind of thinking and living. Additionally, training my little Gang members to take individual responsibility for their "stuff" really helps the overall atmosphere of organization here. Soooo much of my time over the years has been spent focusing on that training. "Take responsibility for your stuff," is a constant refrain around here. And by stuff, I rarely mean just their material belongings!
However, I've found more recently that I really need to step up the training of the "we" mentality here to balance out the individual responsibility message. For example, when we're all packing for a trip, just taking out MY coat and putting it in the van serves no one but me. If I know that all 7 of us need a coat for said trip, then taking out all 7 coats isn't just efficient. It's thoughtful and serving of the others. Another example I know you moms will gimme a strong "Amen!" for: when you go upstairs and see a pile on the stairs of belongings, don't just root through and take your stuff. See if you can drop off your brother's stuff on the way. It's team work.
There's a lot of emphasis in our culture on individuality. On taking personal responsibility for our thoughts, our actions, our behaviors. And in these years of training our kids, it's a good emphasis. But I'm starting to think we're missing a whole chunk of the picture.
I think we spend too much time training ourselves
and our children for individual independence.
I know. That's a tough one to think about. I've been thinking about it for a long time, so it's a little easier for me to say it now.
So much of what we have learned as a family over this last year, in our journey to help Li'l Empress attach and bond in a healthy, forward-motion manner has frankly been quite counter-intuitive to those around us who are parenting children of similar ages. I mean, really. By the time your toddler is 2 1/2, you likely have reached many milestones of independence. And likely, you are enjoying a bit of the freedom that you both gain from that. Instead, we
intentionally took away a lot of the "developmentally appropriate" independences.
(Yes, I made that word up. I can do that, this is my blog!) You can read about it in my series on attachment if you start
here and move through the next three or four posts . . .
But over this past year, I've begun to notice many many areas of our life in which too much individual independence has been rooted in my home. Granted, with a house full of teens and tweens, some of it is natural and must be allowed. But it's showing up in a couple areas that concern me.
The first is in the attitude of service toward one another. Like the coat example. Or like this morning. One of my little Gang members got out cereal for themselves, got out one spoon and one bowl. That doesn't work for me. There are 5 other bodies in the morning who all have to eat too. Get out all 6 bowls and spoons at one time. SERVE one another.
Another area which I've got my eye on is in the "work" part of team work. We all have regularly assigned chores, on a neat and spiffy chore chart. However, among my oldest four Gang members, there has developed an attitude that says, "Well, this week, that's not
my job." And the mess gets left. It's been showing up a LOT in the realm of dishes. And in the mess left in the bathroom after all the kids have finished their morning toilette. I'm really going after it lately. If you use the bathroom and there's a mess on the counter
(Four kids generate a lot of hair, toothpaste drops, and other lovely ick in a bathroom sink!), then just clean it up, even if you didn't make it all by yourself. I don't really care if it's not your week to clean upstairs bathrooms. If you make yourself a snack and there are crumbs on the counter, clean them up. I don't care if the kitchen isn't your job till tomorrow.
I'm not angry about this. Well, right now I'm not. I admit to being really frustrated by it when I come upon the mess and "It's not my day," is the reason given for leaving a mess behind. I might even cop to hollering and screeching about it. But I am convinced that it's a natural progression of my focus on the "Take responsibilty for your own stuff," mentality. At least in part.
Finally, the third area which I'm keying in on is the isolation that comes with successfully having taken care of one's own stuff. By that I mean this: when LadyBug finishes all her jobs and fills out her daily checklist of tasks and practices, she often disappears into her room to read. Alone. When Dr. D
(Really, I gotta get this kid a new blog name. He's sooo over that one!) finishes school and gets his physical fitness minutes in for the day, he disappears to his room to listen to his music. With his headphones on. Shaggy buries his nose in a book somewhere around the house, also with his headphones on. You get the picture.
On the one hand, it's kinda nice. After a long busy day, I'm almost always garunteed a bit of peaceful quiet in the hour before The Boss walks in. But I get a little antsy when it continues too long. When it's been 2 or 3 hours since I've seen LadyBug playing with Li'l Empress's hair. Or when I haven't heard Baby BlueEyes giggles as he wrestles with Dr. D. Or when I walk around upstairs while Li'l Empress takes in some B@rney time, only to find all four of the older kids in their rooms. Individually. Plugged into headphones or building L*go houses in solitude. It doesn't often sit right with me.
Please don't hear what I am NOT saying. And please don't assume that I have the answer to the questions that are raised by these observations. I am still searching for the balance of it. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this tendency towards individual isolation is NOT how I want my gang to know their teen years. I don't want this pulling away to be the sole goal of their downtime, the reward of their free time. I do know that it's healthy to have solitude. I'm not talking about that kind of isolation. I agree that it's useful for refreshing and recharging, for all of us.
But put ALL THREE of these elements together (cuz that's how I think!) and I am restless with the status quo. I am sensing another bit of "counter-culture" coming on. I'm seeking God's balance for this issue. For me and for my Gang.
There's no I in Team. And there's no I in Gang either.