Last week, Shaggy spent several hours with our youth pastor talking about the options he considering for life after graduation. {Ack, I can barely type that.} I haven't talked about it here but trust me when I say, it's been a long, long season in our life, working through the ideas of future plans, education, careers, and callings with this boy. He's such a thinker and processor and all the paths stretched out before him, all new to him and in many ways to us, have been overwhelming for him to tackle. We've been patient, trying to guide when asked and trying to stay silent when he's not asking. It was so good for him to talk with someone else, get another perspective, and hear his own thoughts echoed back to him. Frankly, it's been hard to strike the right balance with him, letting him seek out the information that he's most interested in and placing the right opportunities or conversation starters into the mix without overwhelming him further. The last thing we want to do is take advantage of his desire to please us, by guiding him toward what we want these first few years after high school to look like. (It's tempting but it's so wrong, oh so wrong. Right? Right?)
We know this kid, how he is wired. It's surprising him, actually, how well we know him. (He thought he was harder to peg! Heh...) We know he needs to research and gather information and weigh it out for himself. We know his struggle to take steps forward without knowing where those steps might lead. We know how hard it is for him to trust without seeing exactly what it is he is trusting. This boy of mine, he has a tendency toward suspicion (I'm not telling tales, he freely admits that about himself!) and that checking facts (and history and reputation and references and recommendations and word of mouth and, and, and.....) is a huge part of his decision-making process. Let me tell you, this boy is so far from impulsive and spontaneous it almost makes me giggle into fits to think about what sweet, lovely young lady God has waiting in the wings for my Shaggy. (Someday, a long, long, long, loooong while from now, are we clear about that?)
Early this past fall, we were talking about college planning. It occurred to me that Shaggy didn't know that while we certainly expect him to earn a four-year degree, we are open to other options in addition to heading straight to college. He had been so "in the mode" of seeking out some good four-year schools to which he could transfer from the local community college, that he was, literally, flabbergasted that we would offer the opportunity to take some time off and pursue a ministry experience before college. He has a friend who, at that time, was preparing for a 7 month stint with YWAM. When we offered that same kind of time away as perfectly acceptable, he just did not know what to do with that. It was kind of amusing, but that conversation made me realize how lightly we'd need to tread with this boy and his process of tracking down what it was God has for him this coming year. And lightly we've tread, for sure. In fact, we left the conversation alone for a while so that he could research and pray. But then we found that we had to give him some parameters for his incessant researching and fact-gathering process: we asked him to please have a community college application ready to submit, along with an application to his chosen ministry experience in process, by the end of February.
Last week's conversation with the youth pastor sparked some great thoughts and helped solidify what Shaggy has been sensing from the Lord. Focusing on ministry experiences has delayed the application to community college a wee bit, which is okay with us. We're not telling him, but the deadlines were pretty soft in our minds. So the ministry experience application is in process right now. He feels settled with his plans and is starting to think about the "when" of what is coming next. So much so, that after Tuesday's appointment, he came home and wrapped his arms around me. He just stood there hugging me for several minutes.
"What's up? What did I do to deserve this?" I asked him. (Man, this kid gives the best hugs. He is so like his dad that way.)
"Nothing in particular. I was just wondering if you'd given any thought to what it's going to be like when I'm gone for 7 or 8 months."
And there it was.
The elephant that has been sitting
in every room of this house
since the day that senior year started.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I think about it all the time. ALL.THE. TIME. EVERY DAY. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what it will be like NOT to have you here every day!" I was rather proud of myself. I said all that, without crying. Small miracle.
And can I just tell you? I canNOT get away from that elephant,
no matter where I go. It's not just in the rooms of the house anymore.
It's following me - to the grocery store, to the library, to church,
to the local K*hl's, everywhere I go.
It's there. Tiptoeing behind me,
shaking my very ground with its heavy tread.
"Really? You've already thought about it? Are you okay with it?" he sounded so surprised.
"Am I okay with it? Noooooo. I'm not okay with it. But it's not about me. This is about you. And what God is leading you to do. Cuz face it, Shaggy. If this was all about me and what I want?! You'd be home for two years at community college and then you'd transfer to XYZ college (literally in the next town over from us) and live here at home for that too! No, I'm not okay with it. But you aren't the only one trying to hear from God and follow His plan for you. This is me, trying to follow God's plan for you, too."
Yes, my friends, I was almost shouting at this point. And there might have been a tear or two. Or ten. Maybe.
I could almost hear the elephant's offended sniff.
It's been outed. Acknowledged.
And it stinks.
I'm just sayin'....
