Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Wait

We knew when we started this journey to our Brynna girl (seriously, still taking suggestions for a bloggy name for this girl!) that it was going to be a long haul. I'm not sure when we sent off that application that we thought it would be quite this long,(Remember this post?! Yes, that date does read 2010. Sad, but true.)

We were okay with the idea of the long wait After all, we'd done it before. We knew we could do it again.

Even in the midst of the delays we couldn't avoid (Remember the bathroom project? The one from the upstairs toilet overflowing into the relatively newly-done kitchen project?) and the obstacles we have chosen to plow through in the process (re-vamping our finances to further reflect Godly principles of stewardship thanks to Financial Peace University at our church?), I rarely felt myself growing impatient or antsy.

I settled into The Wait kind of like one does a comfy old chair on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I had kind of taken on a "it'll happen when it is supposed to" kind of perspective. Which, given the frustrations we've faced, has served me well. In fact, I've been able to And believe me, we've already faced our share of difficulties the most frustrating of which occurred only more recently, minor though they may be in retrospect.

Lost a social worker 3 interviews into a 4 interview process
(Resolved very well with a GEM of a new Social Worker
and a partial refund that blessed us beyond words)

The Boss's job loss and subsequent financial changes and stressors,
certainly too numerous and now tedious to enumerate
(Also resolved well but definitely a difficulty
that I don't wish on any paper-chasing family)

Authentication and Sealing snafus both at 
the state level and at two consulate offices
(Resolved, certainly not huge hang-ups but only after a 
three - four week delay we hadn't really counted on)

Four files reviewed and returned
(The first one was a vague inquiry, the next two were sweeties
but older than we can handle. The fourth one was a really
hard choice but definitely the right one for the family.)

And now the wait. Oh. The Wait.

Yes, we are full-fledged into The Wait. And I'm finding something very curious happening in my heart since we got our LID notification. That "it'll happen when it's supposed to" thing has flown right out the window. It's gone. And it took with it any sense of perspective I might have had given that this is our second adoption and I "know" the dealio.

In the last 6 months of this journey, I've talked a couple waiting friends of the ledge of insanity and desperation. :)  LOL.... you know who you are!  I've studiously avoided any "day counting" between milestones for the sake of my sanity. I've only occasionally checked the forums and "rumor" sites, and mostly only to connect with other BTDT mommas over specific needs I've been researching. I've been okay with it all.

Until this week.

I am not sure if it's that I've finally had a relatively quiet week as far as my daily pace is concerned. Or if I've been feeling more pressed in my prayer time to dig in for the wisdom and discernment we need to "know" our Brynna when we see her. Or if it's even a sense of impending-ness that I'm not totally aware of yet. Or what it is. But I am no longer "okay with it all." At all.

(I'm not on the ledge of insanity or desperation or anything. I promise!)

I'm starting to feel an urgency in my heart and mind in the last couple days. I am stalking sites and forums, searching for tidbits of information and details of timelines for other waiting families. I'm paging through pictures of babies, some who are waiting for their mommas and some who are not, and crying at the drop of a hat. I'm fighting a sense of being consumed with the need to find my daughter. To see her face. To start the process of "knowing her" even if it is only via a medical file and occasional updates while we wait.

I'm THERE again. I remember it well. Opening the file that held Li'l Empress's little life story to date. Looking into those eyes, knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life taking JOY in looking into those eyes.

And I'm not okay with The Wait after all.

Your prayers for us as we prepare our hearts and our minds
for the next release of the Shared List would be appreciated.
Estimates put the release at either the 23rd-ish or the 30th-ish.
We'd love this list to be The One on which our Brynna girl waits.
But we want to be ready if it's not.


Christina said...

I cannot begin to tell you what we have been through trying to complete our family but just know it will happen. You will see her face and it will be like a breath of fresh air. You will know and your time is coming. Sending prayers and hugs from TN.

Amy said...

Praying for you that just maybe you will see your newest blessing on the next list (just saw that it is due out on the 24th) and I still stalk the sites just in hopes that my husband comes around to another. :)

Aus said...

Ah GM - ya know we've always been "backwards" adoptors. OK - a part of it was because a lot of what we did was "pre-hague" - but we always found the child we intended to adopt PRIOR to doing much of the paperwork, much less being LID.

We were in.the.wait.mode before we even started the paper chase...We.feel.your.pain!!!

Oh so hard - and no platitudes - you wouldn't believe them anyway! ;)

hugs - aus and co.

Sharon said...

Ah...yes. The wait. I thought it would be "easier" the second time around. Nope. Those 10 months after we found our son on a waiting child list until having him home were hard. Blessings to your family!