Tuesday, November 9, 2010

She's Not The Only One . . . Part 2

This is the continuation of yesterday's post . . .
Head HERE to read that one first, please!

In October, we had a conversation that changed all that.  The funny thing, is that we were instant chatting on F@cebook, while he was on the train heading home from work.... Not the most intimate, but it will forever be one of my most memorable conversations. He was sharing some snippets (and by snippets, I mean like our 20-years of quick code and shorthand in instant message form!) of what he'd been wrestling with behind the pressures of the big project at work. Things that he hadn't shared while he was so focused on that big project (which, by the way, went amazingly well and is still being applauded by his management and co-workers as highly successful). Things that he knew God was asking him to consider. So I asked him, "Does that mean I can go ahead and request an application? Does that mean you also sense that we have another daughter waiting for us?"

He said, (and I quote) "Yes. And yes."
I love that man of mine. Cuts right to the chase.
With as few words as possible.

And with the vast amounts of great wisdom and maturity that I'm known 'round here for, I panicked.  Yes. Yes, ma'am I did.

I spent the next week or two having mini-mental melt-downs of doubt and fear. In between the feelings and thoughts of pride at The Boss's journey and excitement at the idea of another sweet little person to love and welcome to our home.  It went something like this in the scary world that is my head:

SIX kids? Am I crazy?

Folks are gonna say we're insane. And bleeding hearts.
And biting off more than we can chew.

What the heck are we thinking?

What, is he crazy?
(You know, cuz it's always so productive
to blame your spouse when you are awake
at 2 a.m. and anxiety-ridden.)

Where are we going to get the money for that?

What will our friends and family think?

How on earth am I going to feed them?

Sheesh, where is everyone going to sleep?

We're gonna need another bathroom!

What are folks gonna think?

Yes, I did. I went there. Not all the time. Not even everyday. Mostly when the house was quiet and I'd fallen exhausted into bed.  When I was really, really tired. When The Boss was working late and the van was doing triple duty as the local taxi. When I was out of bread and peanut butter. AGAIN.

And so I turned to the Psalms.  After all, lots of folks thought David was crazy.  I mean, his own wife questioned his sanity. I particularly pored over the likes of Psalms 61626871, and 92. Reminding myself that HE is my strength. He is my portion. He knows me and my capabilities and my potential in Him better even than I do. HE alone is who I need to be concerned with pleasing. He is my judge.

We are proceeding slowly. Cautiously. We don't have more than a step or two illuminated before us. But that's okay for now. We know The Lamp Lighter. We know He won't lead us astray. And we know He is patient and gentle in the leading. That works really well for us for now. 

I find tremendous comfort and truth in the pages of the Psalms. And I guess if I'm gonna go crazy, I'd like it to be in the company of good folks. Like The Boss. Like King David.  Like Stefanie.


ComfyDenim said...

You know what?
If anyone can do it -- it's you.

Cheering you on from here.

Beverly said...

I am weeping at work...so happy for you.

Faith, Hope, and Love said...

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path" Psalm 119:105 That is the verse that started us on our journey to Liliana.

All the things you wrote...we heard them all. It seems that the bigger are family grows...the less support we get from family.

The only thing that matters is what YOU and HUBBY and The LORD think...and the fact that a little orphan is waiting for you. God will provide all that you NEED. :)

Joan said...

:) I'm excited. I've been thinking of your family and I'm happy that you're coming back!

Christie said...

The application? Will call to you until you complete it. She will call to you.

You can do this. You can.