Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Pain Of Waiting

Aidan's name in Chinese characters. Isn't that pretty?!

A lot of friends have dropped emails or called asking how they can help or how they can pray for us as the adoption draws nearer to really, finally happening. If that describes you, we are asking that you join us in prayer for expedited Travel Approval and, more specifically, that a Consulate Appointment be open and approved for a September adoption.

In order to make our travel plans, our agency must wait for Travel Approval. Once TA is obtained, they must apply for a Consulate Appointment. That is the day on which little Aidan legally becomes our child in the sight of both the Chinese and American governments. It is the last official appointment before we take wing home to become a family of 7, and the most important day after our Gotcha Day.

I must confess, I've been struggling a bit this week with the wait for TA, for several reasons. I know of several families who have had their travel delayed (some by choice, some by circumstance) because Consulate Appointments are filling up for September. There are quite a few large groups traveling together, as many opted not to travel in August. The prices of travel and lodging skyrocketed during the weeks leading up to and during the Olympics, making adoption travel prohibitive for many families. Understandably, those waiting to travel are pushing to get to their babies in September.

Additionally, while I am grateful that our daughter is healthy enough to be living with a foster family, I am concerned that being with them for an extended period of time will make the inevitable separation harder for both Aidan and her foster family. It may be selfish of me to say this, but I want her to transition to bonding & attaching to me as her mommy to occur as smoothly as possible. Sooner than later. I am very grateful that she is being well-loved and cared for. But the bottom line is that it is not being done by me. I am her Mommy and I want my daughter home. (I am just being super honest here, I'm sorry if it sounds controlling or demanding!)

Finally, I am very anxious to get to China and home before the end of September. You see, my Grandmother is turning 90 this winter. My aunts and my mom are hosting a pre-90th birthday bash for her, so none of us have to travel to New England in the middle of winter. The party is slated for Columbus Day weekend. It is my deepest desire to be able to have my daughter in my arms, to introduce her to my Grandma. That my mom's side of the family can finally meet this member of our family that has been growing in their hearts while they prayed. That my aunts can get their hands on her to hug and kiss her like they've been longing to do for months now!

This stage of the waiting has been harder than I imagined it could be. Seeing her face everyday, praying over her temperament, her growth and her attachment process; praying for our transitions; feeling like I am beginning to know her. All of these things have caused a physical ache in my heart that I can't fully describe. I'm quick to tears at the mention of her name. My arms literally feel empty some days, and the baby's room at the top of the stairs is too neat and tidy for my liking. (Please don't tell the other kids I said that!) This has been a hard week, living the classic cliche: "so close and yet so far away. . . . "

Let me be quick to say here that I KNOW God's timing is perfect, I KNOW He is in control of all things, I KNOW He is watching over Aidan. I KNOW all the stuff that we usually say to each other in times of struggle. I've said it over and over to those who are hurting. Maybe I've even said these things to you. And for that, I humbly apologize for trite repetitions of what I am certain you already knew. I'm just feeling especially tender and vulnerable today. . . and anxious to hold my daughter in my arms.


Kim said...

So close but so far away...that would be hard! I will be praying for you as you wait for TA. How exciting that you may have her in your arms so soon!!!

Salzwedel Family said...

Oh girl, know I am giving you a big ol' virtual hug. I know about that ache you are feeling.

I am praying you will have your TA soon & that you will have peace as you wait on God's timing.

Kay Bratt said...

Here's sending a prayer up for you right now.


Just passin' through...

Dinn Family said...

Wow... do I ever remember those achy feelings? Praying for a call very soon and travel in September. The Dinn's

Jonni, John & Sofia said...

I am thinking of you my friend. It is torture waiting after you receive her referral and see those beautiful eyes looking back at you. Aidan will be home soon, I just know it. I am praying for TA quickly.


Jonni, John & Sofia said...

P.S. OMG! i just saw Kay Bratt was on YOUR blog!!!! I am reading Silent Tears right now. How crazy is that? It is an amazing book, get it as soon as you can okay????


Our Journey to Rachel said...

Hi Tracy:
I want you to know that I know what you are feeling and by no means should you apologize for your honesty. I will have you and your family in my heart and prayers as you continue to wait for TA. I promise you, this long wait melts away when you meet your little girl and hold her in your arms for the first time.

I can't wait to meet your family and share our stories.

Blessings to you and your family.
Sherry Crist

Kateri said...

Hey you!
I remember this part of the wait oh so well. I remember saying that the wait for LOA was torture and that I would be able to relax and wait for the TA as long as I knew that she was ours. I was sooooo wrong. The wait for TA was really torture!!! It's like waiting those last few weeks for your bio to be born. You're trying to make plans but you really can't because you just never know when it's going to happen and you feel like you're life it totally on hold and it's the. longest. wait. ever!!!!
You can do this, remember?! You're the one with the incredible momma heart...otherwise He wouldn't have given you 5 of His children to parent and bless with your amazingness!!
You're going to be going soon...and when Elena finally does call you with that TA, you're not going to feel like you have enough time to get ready even with all these weeks to's going to come so fast!!
Love ya,
The Gang stalker!!

Trish said...

Praying that every step of your journey will be in His timing and that He will go before you in every area. Hang in there!

MississippiZen said...

Praying for your TA!!! I WANT you to be in China with me!!!!! I NEED to meet Miss Aidan and that might be my only way for a while :)