I'm walking new ground today. Today is the last Sunday that the church bulletin was my "baby" for a good long time. I am also taking a break from the leadership of the Moms' Ministry for this school year. Tuesday, I'm passing the torch of coordinating the Meals Ministry for a season. I have a flyer or two to finalize this week for some upcoming events. But then I'm done with my volunteer work for church. I'm not even doing any volunteer work at the library at school or in the Home & School association.
This is new turf. I don't quite know what to do with myself or how I feel about it all coming off my plate.
Don't get me wrong. I know this is the right thing to do for this season of my life. I know that I'm being called to focus on bonding and attachment with my daughter. To center my prayers, my time and my energies into making her KNOW her place in the Gang. To navigate, with The Boss, the new dynamics that will naturally occur with Aidan's arrival. And to attend to the needs of all 5 of my kids while we grow and flex into a family of 7. I know the Lord has been nudging me in this direction for several months now. I think I even knew it back in June when we were first made aware that a referral would likely be coming our way before fall.
But one thing I've noticed about life. Or at least about MY life. Knowing it might be coming and having it actually BE HERE are two completely different things. Walking out of the church offices Friday morning, turning off the copier and locking the door. It all felt "bigger" than just finishing up the bulletin for the week. It felt like "more" than handing this task to the church secretary. It got me thinking. They've not all been pretty thoughts. Rather, I've been struggling a bit with some of the thoughts; feeling unhappy about what they might be saying about me.
I love doing our bulletin. I love to write, I love to network people and offer information and resources. In my heart of hearts, I see doing the church bulletin (and the sign ups, flyers, inserts, and brochures) as my way of keeping the church family connected and plugged in to church life and the community around us. I get how what I write supports the ministry and vision of our church. That's the pretty part of what I have been thinking. That's what I'll miss, both about the bulletin and about Moms' Ministry and Meals coordination.
The not-so-pretty part is that I am having a hard time relinquishing the control and the position of being so connected and plugged in to what is going on in this capacity. I'm facing being "out of the loop" of upcoming events. I won't be part of the plans for how we put out information to our community. And I don't like it one bit. (Yes, I admitted out loud that I'm having a control issue rear its ugly head!) I'm sure it's no surprise to any of you that have come to know me that I love to be right in the thick of what's going on. It's why I blog. It's why I host big parties. It's why my favorite days are those spent with my family and friends. It's why I have tons of kids :) But as I've been laying the groundwork for handing over this and other responsibilities in this season of my life, the Lord has been putting His finger of correction on this area of my life. Tapping on it and asking me why it's so hard to let it all go. Nudging me to evaluate my motives and intentions. Gently and lovingly pointing, but pointing it out all the same.
I came to a couple conclusions this morning during our worship time. First, I'm completely grateful that the evaluations and purifying of my heart has been happening slowly and gradually. Second, I'm grateful that the evaluations have yielded the necessary attitude ajustments and change. I'm not talking major overhaul here and that tells me I'm making progress in this area of my life. That I'm not as hard-headed as I used to be! Finally, even if these tweaks and stretchings were painful and "yanking at the root" in nature, that finger of correction has been attached all along to a warm and loving hand that has held me close for more years than I care to count. Attached to that hand are strong and sustaining arms that keep me on the path and hold me to His heart.
At the end of the day, that's not a bad way to learn something difficult about myself.
This is new turf. I don't quite know what to do with myself or how I feel about it all coming off my plate.
Don't get me wrong. I know this is the right thing to do for this season of my life. I know that I'm being called to focus on bonding and attachment with my daughter. To center my prayers, my time and my energies into making her KNOW her place in the Gang. To navigate, with The Boss, the new dynamics that will naturally occur with Aidan's arrival. And to attend to the needs of all 5 of my kids while we grow and flex into a family of 7. I know the Lord has been nudging me in this direction for several months now. I think I even knew it back in June when we were first made aware that a referral would likely be coming our way before fall.
But one thing I've noticed about life. Or at least about MY life. Knowing it might be coming and having it actually BE HERE are two completely different things. Walking out of the church offices Friday morning, turning off the copier and locking the door. It all felt "bigger" than just finishing up the bulletin for the week. It felt like "more" than handing this task to the church secretary. It got me thinking. They've not all been pretty thoughts. Rather, I've been struggling a bit with some of the thoughts; feeling unhappy about what they might be saying about me.
I love doing our bulletin. I love to write, I love to network people and offer information and resources. In my heart of hearts, I see doing the church bulletin (and the sign ups, flyers, inserts, and brochures) as my way of keeping the church family connected and plugged in to church life and the community around us. I get how what I write supports the ministry and vision of our church. That's the pretty part of what I have been thinking. That's what I'll miss, both about the bulletin and about Moms' Ministry and Meals coordination.
The not-so-pretty part is that I am having a hard time relinquishing the control and the position of being so connected and plugged in to what is going on in this capacity. I'm facing being "out of the loop" of upcoming events. I won't be part of the plans for how we put out information to our community. And I don't like it one bit. (Yes, I admitted out loud that I'm having a control issue rear its ugly head!) I'm sure it's no surprise to any of you that have come to know me that I love to be right in the thick of what's going on. It's why I blog. It's why I host big parties. It's why my favorite days are those spent with my family and friends. It's why I have tons of kids :) But as I've been laying the groundwork for handing over this and other responsibilities in this season of my life, the Lord has been putting His finger of correction on this area of my life. Tapping on it and asking me why it's so hard to let it all go. Nudging me to evaluate my motives and intentions. Gently and lovingly pointing, but pointing it out all the same.
I came to a couple conclusions this morning during our worship time. First, I'm completely grateful that the evaluations and purifying of my heart has been happening slowly and gradually. Second, I'm grateful that the evaluations have yielded the necessary attitude ajustments and change. I'm not talking major overhaul here and that tells me I'm making progress in this area of my life. That I'm not as hard-headed as I used to be! Finally, even if these tweaks and stretchings were painful and "yanking at the root" in nature, that finger of correction has been attached all along to a warm and loving hand that has held me close for more years than I care to count. Attached to that hand are strong and sustaining arms that keep me on the path and hold me to His heart.
At the end of the day, that's not a bad way to learn something difficult about myself.
Besides, I've also got a beautiful little girl coming
home that makes it all worth it!
home that makes it all worth it!
5 comments:
My goodness. You are so mature. You have the heart I would like to have. Bless you in this new season, this new feeling and this new adventure that the Father has for you!
I know our Heavenly Father has big plans for you during this season.
By the way, after reading this I realize we are VERY much alike. Letting go is hard, but necessary sometimes.
I think it is only natural to have some qualms about letting someone take over something that you put so much hard work into. And certainly, it is fun to be in the loop.
But you will also have so much fun being with your new little girl and your whole family.
Great, though-provoking post.
Yeah - you should hear the nasty things we're saying about you - you know - being all responsible and everything - putting down the extras to focus on your family - I can't believe you!
I can totally relate! My transition was a little different, but I went from a very demanding job to staying home with Lily, and I had the control withdrawals, BIG TIME!! There's nothing like an adorable, busy, transitioning one-year-old to remind you that you have NO control over your life! But what a great reminder that it isn't me or my adorable toddler who is in control, but our merciful heavenly father!
Congrats on your CA and travel dates-- this is such an exciting time! You will be in China exactly 6 months after us and I can't wait to follow along!
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