Wednesday, December 19, 2012

In Which I Try To Balance Brutal Honesty With Holiday Cheer

Tuesday morning's update about our anticipated LOA dispersal was basically a "no new news update." Which I know is as frustrating to my agency as it is to us.

I'm trying to be okay with that for now. It's not easy. With the crazy pace of school concerts, parties, shopping, wrapping, and baking we've been keeping, I'm trying to keep my heart and mind occupied. On the one hand, it feels like a giant holding pattern hovering over the days. On the other, I find myself creating a tightly planned schedule of events during the days and then crashing at night to wonder what I accomplished and where the day went. The contrast of it all is exhausting.

I know I'm not alone in feeling this but last week's tragic events are weighing so very heavy on my heart, in addition to what seems like an already hard holiday season for our gang. I'm confident in saying that I do NOT recommend that your first holiday for one of your kiddoes spreading his wings away from home is the best holiday season to also be waiting for another of your kiddoes to find her way home after two years of longing and waiting. Not that we could have managed it or planned it otherwise. But maybe it'll help you as your little ones grow. Sigh. (Sorry, my snark slipped out there a bit.)

When I slow down to think about it all, I am overwhelmed by the enormity of it all: the tremendous losses our nation has suffered, the anguish of parents and families all over the country, the unknown and even danger that Shaggy is facing, the remoteness and the intensity of his mission, the cold hard winter of Beijing, the fragility of Mei Mei's heart and mind... Oh my... I have to throw out a great big STOP sign and make myself change course. Change focus. Immediately.

I know you'll understand when I say that no new news" was not the message I wanted to hear from my agency yesterday. I'm grateful that they understand that, too. On top of all of the other "stuff" these last two weeks have brought, now this delay represents now weeks "lost" as we approach closures for the holidays here in the States. Which will be  followed by closures in China for their upcoming holidays. Waiting through the resolution of this "clerical error" has forced a conscious choice to keep trusting, to keep confessing that HE is sovereign and HE has not forgotten us. Any of us. HE has not. And on that I am standing.

Each time we sit down to the dinner table together in these last five days, I've found myself almost at a loss for words. Choking up at the privilege of having my kids around my table. Praying for my two that aren't home with us and begging God to grant them safety and health while we are apart. Thanking HIM for the honor of even getting to do a dinner together. I've been amazed at the gratitude I am feeling, even in the midst of the frustration and pain. May I be so humble and thankful moving forward when "normal" returns.

And so I pray. I cry, like I'm sure so many of you are doing this week. I sing Christmas hymns and replay over and over my iPod rotation of silly Christmas songs for Li'l Empress to sing along to. And now I'm off to cook and wrap and shop some more. The good news is that in my need to keep busy and NOT focus on Shaggy's absence, the delays to our process, and now the horrific sadness of the Sandy Hook tragedy, I am almost done our holiday preparations. Here's hoping that my Christmas Eve day can be spent relaxing and hanging out with my gang. We could all use the down time of jammies, cheesey Christmas movies, and free-flowing popcorn.


Amy said...

so sorry

Aus said...

Not surprisingly - I get all that. It's never easy having one out of the nest - and I don't know how many more holidays we'll be able to get them all together even for a day - and so - yeah...I feel you - ya know?

hugs - comfort and joy of the season!

aus and co.