This is new turf. I don't quite know what to do with myself or how I feel about it all coming off my plate.
Don't get me wrong. I know this is the right thing to do for this season of my life. I know that I'm being called to focus on bonding and attachment with my daughter. To center my prayers, my time and my energies into making her KNOW her place in the Gang. To navigate, with The Boss, the new dynamics that will naturally occur with Aidan's arrival. And to attend to the needs of all 5 of my kids while we grow and flex into a family of 7. I know the Lord has been nudging me in this direction for several months now. I think I even knew it back in June when we were first made aware that a referral would likely be coming our way before fall.
But one thing I've noticed about life. Or at least about MY life. Knowing it might be coming and having it actually BE HERE are two completely different things. Walking out of the church offices Friday morning, turning off the copier and locking the door. It all felt "bigger" than just finishing up the bulletin for the week. It felt like "more" than handing this task to the church secretary. It got me thinking. They've not all been pretty thoughts. Rather, I've been struggling a bit with some of the thoughts; feeling unhappy about what they might be saying about me.
I love doing our bulletin. I love to write, I love to network people and offer information and resources. In my heart of hearts, I see doing the church bulletin (and the sign ups, flyers, inserts, and brochures) as my way of keeping the church family connected and plugged in to church life and the community around us. I get how what I write supports the ministry and vision of our church. That's the pretty part of what I have been thinking. That's what I'll miss, both about the bulletin and about Moms' Ministry and Meals coordination.
The not-so-pretty part is that I am having a hard time relinquishing the control and the position of being so connected and plugged in to what is going on in this capacity. I'm facing being "out of the loop" of upcoming events. I won't be part of the plans for how we put out information to our community. And I don't like it one bit. (Yes, I admitted out loud that I'm having a control issue rear its ugly head!) I'm sure it's no surprise to any of you that have come to know me that I love to be right in the thick of what's going on. It's why I blog. It's why I host big parties. It's why my favorite days are those spent with my family and friends. It's why I have tons of kids :) But as I've been laying the groundwork for handing over this and other responsibilities in this season of my life, the Lord has been putting His finger of correction on this area of my life. Tapping on it and asking me why it's so hard to let it all go. Nudging me to evaluate my motives and intentions. Gently and lovingly pointing, but pointing it out all the same.
I came to a couple conclusions this morning during our worship time. First, I'm completely grateful that the evaluations and purifying of my heart has been happening slowly and gradually. Second, I'm grateful that the evaluations have yielded the necessary attitude ajustments and change. I'm not talking major overhaul here and that tells me I'm making progress in this area of my life. That I'm not as hard-headed as I used to be! Finally, even if these tweaks and stretchings were painful and "yanking at the root" in nature, that finger of correction has been attached all along to a warm and loving hand that has held me close for more years than I care to count. Attached to that hand are strong and sustaining arms that keep me on the path and hold me to His heart.
At the end of the day, that's not a bad way to learn something difficult about myself.
home that makes it all worth it!