Thursday, July 24, 2008

Fun With Words

My sister sent me this a few months ago, knowing how much I love words. Most of the one-liners are groaners for sure, but they make me giggle all the same. Enjoy a laugh, or a groan, on me!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

6 comments:

Doreen said...

Major groaners! Loved them!

Doreen in Montreal mom to Faith-Jiangxi & Mia-Sichuan

Trish said...

Very cute, and congrats on winning the planner on 5MFM! I saw your name and said - hey I know her!!

Kat said...

Too funny! These remind me of the jokes my childhood dentist used to tell me when I was good and dopey on laughing gas - "Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip It." "Did you hear the one abu the bed? I just made it up."

Kate said...

I am completely off topic of our blog post...so sorry! I saw your post on Baoji Babes earlier this week and thought you were so cute! Then I just saw that you left a comment on my firend Margie's blog...so I hopped over to see if you were the same person from Baoji Babes...and you were! And THEN I saw you lived in Southeastern PA.

We brought our daughter Lia home from Baoji Jiangzhang in February 2006 and are currently logged in for our second daughter. We live in southeastern PA, I should mention!!! It really is a small world!

I am in a hurry right now...but I will be back to check in soon! I want to read all about Aidan and your family...and talk some more!

Kate

Kate said...

Okay...I see I have a lot of typos...hope you can make sense of what I typed! My mind is working faster than my fingers!

Kate :-)

ComfyDenim said...

*ROFL*
I love these!!