Sunday, June 29, 2008

He Is Holy

This morning was the first chance all weekend that I allowed the emotions of Friday's terrible news to manifest. The Boss was away with the two older boys when I got the sad news on Friday morning and I was literally knee deep in a crowd of yard-salers in my front yard. I just took it all in as best I could and tried to find a way to deal with the issues at hand. The flurry of bargains and negotiations. The feeding and care of my two little ones. Sharing the news with my in-laws. Saying good-bye to my in-laws. Cleaning up Part One of the yard sale. Trying to find the words to explain it all to my kids and my immediate family. Hosting my niece's pizza/swim party for her birthday. All the while, what I really wanted was to climb into my bed and drag the covers over my head for a good cry. I wanted to rant and scream at the heavens and catch the next plane to Hunan province, as if I could take matters into my own hands. I wanted to crumple into myself and wallow.

The Lord knows what I wanted. But He also knows what I needed. And I needed to not do any of those things. I needed to stick to my plan. To walk in the path laid before me for the day. And do it all again on Saturday. I needed to think and pray. I needed to not sin in my anger and frustration. But this morning, in the fellowship of my church family who has been loving and supportive of every step of this journey, I let my heart open before the Lord. The theme of worship was purity and the holiness of God. It was tied into today's sermon, part of a series that my brother-in-law is preaching that addresses some of the big questions of the faith that we must all walk out in our daily lives. The combination of the songs, the flow of the service, and the choice I made to open my heart to the hurt all came together at once and I could barely hold myself together. I kept just choosing to worship. Choosing to let the tears come (I ABHOR crying in front of most people.). Choosing to let the hurt all bubble up and reveal itself to my Father. He knew it was there and He met me there in the middle of the ugliness of it all. He took it and held it and I felt Him cry with me. I felt Him in a way I've not felt in many years. In fact, I think the last time I felt Him "feeling my sorrow with me" in this particular way was when my Grandpa Sam went to be with Him in heaven.

I didn't come out of this time in His presence with any answers. I don't even think I came out with any greater degree of hope or restored joy. I did come out with a new definition of His comfort. With a cleansing that's been needed for a couple days. With a renewed gratefulness for what I KNOW. With a confidence that what I KNOW has not changed. Last night, I dropped a note to my folks, thanking them for their prayers, and for the years of making us memorize Scripture as kids. For teaching us, by their words and their examples, to run to the Word and to base our lives on His Truths. Because in these past two days, and in my tears this morning, the Word of the Lord has been running through my mind. All those things that I KNOW about my God, those things that I KNOW about His nature and His plans have been working their way from their place in my memory and down into my heart. They've been washing the hurt, binding up the wounds, holding together the frayed edges. His promises for me and for my family have not changed. He is still good. He is still loving. His mercies are new for the journey of each day. He is Holy.

I don't have any answers, save that He is in control and He is Holy. I rest in that for today.

7 comments:

Special K said...

Wishing you peace at this time. I know it's hard to have faith in the face of adversity.

TBG Happenings said...

peace and comfort friend.....

Heidi @ GGIP said...

Thank you for sharing this hard part of your journey with us. I am still thinking and praying for you often.

Salzwedel Family said...

Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
Romans 15:4

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

Chapter Two Manmi said...

I'm so sorry to read this news. Prayers for peace and joy despite it are offered up for you. And sending hugs,
manmi at Chapter2

Carol said...

I've been away from the computer....I'm so sorry to hear this.....hugs....

Kateri said...

T,
I just finished reading my first Karen Kingsbury novel. I know, what took me so long to discover her. Am I the only one?
Any way, I was reading the letter that she wrote the readers at the end of the book. As I'm reading, your name comes into my mind. "Scripture tells us that God has good plans for us, and so He does. But sometimes it's a matter of holding onto that truth when the clouds come, when the sky is so dark that it's hard to believe there could really be sunshine on the other side. But there is, especially for those who believe." "Remember, sometimes His greatest messages come to us while we wait for the clouds to clear."
He loves you, my friend! There is sunshine, just beyond the clouds.
Still praying,
K